hello

Welcome to Shannon’s Kitchen, the home of healthy food, inappropriate language and zero fucks given. Healthy eating is some important shit, but so many food blogs feel the same – some scrawny good-looking fuck making fancy looking salads and smoothie-bowls that require a Fine Arts degree to construct. Sure, I give fucks about my health, but not enough for that sort of dick-pullery. I don’t believe in superfoods, organic shit, detoxes or diets. I just want to cook some basic, healthy, tasty, everyday food. So that’s what you’ll find here, along with excessive references to nipple erections and jokes about penises.

My cookbook Shannon’s Kitchen: Healthy Food You’ll Actually F**king Eat is available now.. order it here, you bloody legend. Nipple erections guaranteed.

ORDER THE COOKBOOK

Click here to pre-order the book for April 2018. It has 60 recipes: I’m talkin’ breakfasts, meals, sweets and treats. Did I use the same vulgar, inappropriate language I use on my blog? You fucking know that I did. You didn’t take the photos yourself did you, Shannon? Because your photos are pieces of shit. Ha! … Read More

Honey & Nut Bars

This easy as fuck recipe saved the day for me recently. It was a dark day, a day when I felt as though life was a giant penis desperate to enter me and fuck me. I currently have bulged/torn discs in my spine and am frequently in the mood to punch faces and/or necks. The … Read More

Balls

When I was 16, I was a waitress with my dear friend. A group of middle aged men thought it would be good sport to be sex pests to underage girls. When my friend asked him what he would like for dessert, he replied “for you to sit on my face”. She didn’t flinch, and … Read More

My family

I have two little boys who are hilarious and awesome. I am a stay at home mum and my days are full of duplo, sand, trucks, chasey and trying not to piss myself on trampolines. Shannon’s Kitchen is my hobby where my goal is to make you piss yourself whether you’re near a trampoline or … Read More

My literary dick-punch to the clean eating craze: for Glamour UK

You don’t need to be on a diet to be healthy, and there is nothing dirty about food (unless you eat a donut stuck around someone’s knob, that would be a bit dirty). “Many clean-eating advocates make the nonsensical declaration that ‘it’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle’. Umm, you’re not allowed to eat certain … Read More

Chocolate Goo-Goo Cake

Thigh gaps, you’ve got nothing on cake gaps. Just look at that sexy motherfucker. I want to nestle my face in there and go to town. Chocolate cake is one of life’s winners, but with a fucktonne of sugar, flour and oil, it might pork you up the ring-piece if you overdo it. So, if … Read More

Shit List

I once made the foolish mistake of mentioning my tummy-ache to my then 3 year old son in the middle of the supermarket. “You just need a big poo mum, don’t worry, you’ll do a humongous poo and everything will be ok,” so beautifully empathic but so fucking loud that half a world away my … Read More

Sweet Meaty Balls

I’m not a paleo-dudette. I’m pretty sure if ancient humans had wandered out of their snug little caves and saw a mother-fucking bag of M&Ms on the terrain, their seasonal vegetables would have hit the ground faster than a drunk girl in stilettos. But one thing I really dig about the paleo scene is the … Read More

Most Popular Post

A few years ago coconut oil was fucking everywhere. Got a boil? Get some fucking coconut oil on it, mate. Yellow teeth? Shit, that’s ‘cos you’re not brushing with coconut oil. Oh, no you have the AIDS? Oh, don’t listen to your doctor and start anti-viral meds, I’m sure some coconut oil would sort that … Read More

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