BALLLLLLLLLLLLs. Human balls are hilarious. I’m a nurse so I have seen an absolute fuckload of balls. They still amaze and amuse me. They’re so friggin’ mobile, as they attend to their own agenda at will with more ferocity than their dopey neighbour (the dong/doodle/skin-flute/peen/whistle/womb-raider). The fastest I have ever seen a ballsack shimmy upward was when I assisted in a catheterisation. It was as though they sensed the tube coming at their defenceless friend and they couldn’t stand to watch so they retreated to the torso with great speed. It was as amusing as it was disturbing. Bless balls, they add so much personality and razzle-dazzle to that whole region. They’re such delightful, funny little spheres. But these balls are no laughing matter, and they will be the tastiest set you will ever have in and around your mouth.
– 10 medjool dates, pitted and halved
– 1 tablespoon coconut oil
– 2 tablespoons almond butter
– 2 tablespoons peanut butter (get a good quality one: the only ingredient should be peanuts and maybe a cheeky little bit of salt)
– 1 tablespoon cacao powder
– 1 teaspoon vanilla extract (or essence)
– 2 tablespoons LSA mix (at the supermarket, it’s a mix of linseeds, sunflower seeds, and almonds in a dusty form packed with nutrients including omega-3 fatty acids) or you can use almond meal
– 1/8 teaspoon nutmeg (highly precise, don’t fuck this up, people)
– 1/4 teaspoon ground rock salt (do not omit the salt, unless you want to lose the respect of me and your tastebuds. Regular salt is fine if you don’t have the rock salt)
– handful of desiccated coconut to roll the balls in at the end. Otherwise when handling these sexy balls you will end up with ball-ooze all over your hands and that just will not do. Unless that’s how you roll, in which case, ball-ooze yourself up).
Let’s play ball:
– put all ingredients except the coconut into a food processor and give it some absolute revving. This mixture is very sticky so don’t freak out
– when the mixture is nice and gooey and blended, roll the mixture into balls. I’m not going to judge the size of the balls you produce – we are all different so don’t be self-conscious. Just roll your balls and be done with it. Then rub them or dip them or drag them through the desiccated coconut so they have a nice little ‘fuzzy’ coating
– they are best served refrigerated so bang your balls in the fridge for 15 or 20 minutes. Don’t worry – they won’t shrink.
– pop one of Shannon’s Chocolate Salty Balls in your mouth, and hey – if you can fit two in your mouth, I salute you.
I know you want one,
PS: A variation on this recipe: Instead of using almond butter, sub in more peanut butter. That’s right. And instead of rolling those little bastards in coconut, rub on some smooshed-up salted, roasted peanuts. Yes, they will look like Barry White’s testes dipped in a bag of grated parmesan, but they sure as shit won’t taste like it