Shannon's Kitchen

healthy food. inappropriate language. zero fucks given.


These cakes are fucking sneaky. They taste like cake, they look like cake, but they don’t act like cake. These little punks are full of all the good shit: no sugar or flour, just nuts, oats, apples, sultanas and eggs. Oh, and dates. Dates: am I obsessed with them? Yes. Am I sorry about it? Not at all. They look like an amputated teste that has been on the loose for days, but those little buggers add sweetness, fibre and minerals. Magic. When these cakes are introduced as wheat-free and refined sugar-free, you will see the proposed tasters’ lips purse up like a miniature horse’s arsehole. But once that uptight fucker bites into the cake, that anus-like opening will soften and relax, and after one swallow it will be happily agape like a ringpiece that’s had way too much pounding. These cakes are that good. Or you can try the deceptive route and offer no health information to your muffin-eaters. Then you can feel enveloped in your deceitful excellence, like some sort of freshlord food magician. Stealth-Health Apple & Oat Cakes are the ultimate health trick. They are moist and sweet, just like all muffins should be.

Ingredients: (makes about a dozen)

– 4 eggs

– 2 apples, peeled, cored and chopped

– 5 medjool dates, pitted

– 4 tablespoons maple syrup

– 2 teaspoons vanilla extract (or essence)

– 1/3 cup coconut oil

– 1 cup rolled oats

– 2 cups almond meal

– 2 teaspoons baking powder

– 1 teaspoon salt

– 1 cup sultanas

– 1 1/2 teaspoons cinnamon

How to get a moist muffin:

– preheat the oven to 180

– get that trusty food processor out, pat him on the back and tell him he’s got to bring his A-game

– whack the apples, dates, maple syrup, vanilla extract, coconut oil and eggs into the food processor. Then tell that thing to go off its tits. Make it into a sloppy goo

– when everything looks sufficiently smooshed and mixed, add in the oats. Give that a whizz. I like the oats broken up and undetectable to fussy dickheads

– now add in the almond meal, salt, baking powder, cinnamon and give that a bit of a zoom around in that food processor

– transfer this mix into a bowl and add in the sultanas, stir them through nice and evenly

– now spoon that slop into a muffin tray (lined with those cute little muffin papers)

– these puppies will cook in around 20 minutes but keep an eye on them. They’re cheeky

– get that muffin in and around your mouth


Guilt-free cake.. Shit yeah,

Shannon x

24 thoughts on “Stealth-Health Apple & Oat Cakes

  1. Jj says:

    Hi, could I use normal flour or coconut flour so these can be taken to school which is nut free? Love your writting, have bookmarked your site so can read often. Thanks

    1. Shannon says:

      Hello! Absolutely you could try substituting in some wholemeal flour! Great work – we must respect the nut free policy for those poor little fellas with allergies 🙂 Thanks and happy baking!

  2. Alex Long says:

    Thoughts on maple syrup. My old boss was a Canadian (but we won’t hold that against her) and she liked to educate me about things maple. Make sure you check the ingredients list on your bottle because sometimes they like to say it’s got 100% pure maple syrup IN IT but sadly that’s not all it’s got in it. The worst is when there’s added sugar and other nasties. All it should list on the ingredients is 100% pure maple syrup.

    1. Shannon says:

      Excellent advice, Alex! Thanks 🙂
      I’ve even spotted sneaky bottles that say “Maple flavoured syrup”.. and there is zero maple syrup in there. Cheeky pricks!

    1. Shannon says:

      Delighted your little ones loved them! ❤

  3. RandEm says:

    Hey Shannon, Do you think these babies would freeze okay??

    1. Shannon says:

      My mother in law froze them and they were fine! They just lose the crispy top. Also they will mould quickly when they come out of the freezer 🙂

  4. Emily says:

    Hey Shannon
    First things first, you are a fucking legend. Love your blog. Secondly my family is full glutard (yes our entire house is a GLUTEN free zone) This means no oats, could we sub something else to make these healthy motherfucking muffins? Please say yes… I want to make for my massively fussy 2.5 year old son.

    1. Shannon says:

      Booooooooo to a full glutard home (loving that term).
      Instead of the oats, you could substitute in your favourite GF flour or more almond meal.
      My 2 year old LOVES these muffins. I hope your little fella does too!
      Let me know how you go! xx

    2. Shannon says:

      Emily – Someone on the Facebook page suggested swapping the oats for quinoa flakes! They’re stocked in the health aisle of supermarkets xx

  5. Ben says:

    Nice, nice, very nice.

    However, my wife and son believe that sultanas and all things similar are tiny bits of Satan’s poo and will not eat anything with them in.

    So I’m just gonna go ahead and add some chopped up chocolate instead.

    Kinda takes it a step back a bit but fuck it, what can you do with fussy eaters?

    1. Shannon says:

      Besides initiating corporal punishment, I’m not sure what you can do with fussy eaters.
      You could try substituting the sultanas for raspberries?
      P.S. “Tiny bits of Satan’s poo” – wonderful 🙂

  6. Can I be a complete fuckwit and put alph alpha (or satans pubes as I affectionately call the hippy shit) as a garnish on top of these little super models?

    1. Shannon says:

      Not if you want to be a respected member of society.

  7. Clancy says:

    Soooo many heath recipes call for nuts and in such a way that they can’t just be omitted! Can the almond meal be substituted for anything that your aware of? The person I cook most for has a nut allergy but unfortunately nut allergies are totes passe and GF is so in.

    Apparently being unable to eat macarons isn’t bad enough. Poor cunts.

    1. Shannon says:

      Hey Clancy! For this recipe you can sub wholemeal flour in for the almond meal and be happily nut-free 🙂
      Unless they’re GF as well as NF?! Fuck that shit.

  8. Ro says:

    These were fckn amazing!
    That is all.

  9. Buckwheat Bad says:

    I made the mistake of using Buckwheat Flour and adding a carrot (for fun…cause I’m a dick). Bloody awful. Next time I’ll follow the recipe and not waste all my produce.

    1. Shannon says:

      What were you thinking?! 😉

  10. Sarbear says:

    Just about to bake these babies on a health kick! Is there a substitute for Coconut oil? Call me tight but$12 for a small tub out if the Philippines? WTF! I try to buy local.

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