Shannon's Kitchen

healthy food. inappropriate language. zero fucks given.


Ahhhhh, mornings. Some humans love them, and some humans would like to punch the aforementioned morning-lovers in the larynx. For those who don’t pounce out of bed, mornings can be a bit of a bastard. They would prefer to snooze/play Bejewelled Blitz whilst shitting/be a grump-fish than get up and make something nutritious. So this breakfast is for them. It’s made the night before when you’re not feeling or behaving like an arsehole. It is delicious, it tastes just like that comforting Aussie childhood treat, Apple Crumble. But rather than causing diabetes/acne/intestinal distention, it promotes health with fibre, phytonutrients, blood-sugar stabilising ingredients and omega-3 fatty acids. You’re welcome, you grumpy fucks.


The body:

– 1 apple, grated

– 1/3 cup rolled oats

– 1 teaspoon chia seeds

– 1 teaspoon honey 

– 1/8 teaspoon ground cinnamon

– 1/2 cup coconut milk

The crunchy, crumbly topper:

– 1 tablespoon desiccated coconut

– small handful roasted macadamias

– a sprinkle of nutmeg

Do it at night:

– in a bowl combine the grated apple, oats, chia seeds, honey, coconut milk and cinnamon. Give all that shit a bit of a stir and cover it, then bang it in the fridge. That cheeky little brew will sit overnight, and the oats will become creamy and soft. Oats, apples and seeds will merge – just perfect

– now, it’s topper time. You can make this the night before or in the morning, depending on projected grump-fish levels. All you have to do is chop/crush the macadamias and mix those crushed little fuckers with the coconut and nutmeg

Morning has broken, and so has your spirit:

– So it’s morning. Now you have a big decision: do you want it hot or cold? It’s fabulous either way. So make your choice, then sprinkle that crunchy shit on top and enjoy the hell out of that breakfast, it will almost make getting out of bed worth it



This is a keeper, people.

Shannon x


16 thoughts on “Good Morning Apple Crumble

  1. roughly how many grumpy assholes will this feed?

    1. Shannon says:

      Roughly one greedy cunt or two with more petite appetites.

      1. we only have greedy cunts here!

  2. Penny says:

    And this is legitimate JAR with lid food.

  3. Shannon says:

    Is that apple really just grated, ‘cos it kind of looks chunky? Delicious, I’ll grant you, but chunky & glossy – like a cooked apple.

    1. Shannon says:

      You mean those little chunks on the top? They’re chopped up macadamias, ya drongo! The grated apple is nestled underneath that crumbly top 🙂

  4. Gaynor says:

    What could I replace the oats with for a gluten free version that isn’t rice porridge (that shit harder than…..)

    1. Shannon says:

      You could try making it with quinoa flakes (I haven’t tried it, so if it’s shithouse please don’t be cross) xx

  5. Sir Mix a Lot says:

    Is this guaranteed to help clear a constipated shitter?

    1. Shannon says:

      The only thing guaranteed to clear a constipated ringpiece is a tube of lube and a garden hose with good pressure.

  6. Mo from the Isle of Man x says:

    I scoffed my first batch of this today, it was amaze-balls!!

  7. Can I replace the coconut milk with almond milk? I can’t be arsed going back out to Aldi. Thanks Shannon, you’re boss! (Boss = Liverpudlian for grouse)

    1. Shannon says:

      Yes you can! I can’t guarantee that the flavour will be as excellent, but it’ll be pretty boss.

  8. Mega says:

    Legend, my fussy ratbags go crazy for this, I assume it’s good, Devils didnt leave me any

    1. Shannon says:


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