Chocolate: the Shit and the Excellent


When Kate Moss said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”, she was talkin’ shit. If Kate stands by that statement, I suspect that fucker simply hasn’t tasted chocolate. Because that stuff gives you much more joy than an emaciated reflection. It is simply delicious. But when we delve further than the tastebuds, some chocolate is good, and some is shit.

So, what the hell is the difference between good chocolate and shit chocolate? Have a squiz at the ingredients of common chocolate: it will have sugar, various dairy bits, cocoa, artificial emulsifiers and flavours. There’s a couple on that list that we can immediately identify as universal dicks. Sugar, you’re a real jerk, you’ve been pissing us off for years. Artificial emulsifiers and flavours? Y’all are chemical laden pricks, get out of our gobs. Also, shit chocolate usually contains cocoa rather than cacao.

Cocoa.. cacao, what the cock? Basically, cacao is the raw form of the cacao bean, whereas cocoa is the roasted and processed version. Most of us will have heard science dudes rooster on about the health benefits of cacao chocolate. It contains potent antioxidants. Antioxidants are grouse little cats that counteract oxidative damage in the body. Oxidative damage is just a part of living, although it is accelerated by poor diets and environmental contaminants. It damages cells, proteins and DNA within you – just picture all that jazz going brown like a naked apple. No good. We want to fight that hard like we are friggin’ Samurai Pizza Cats.


Other than this pac-man antioxidant gig, flavonoids in cacao also reduce blood pressure by chilling out the blood vessels. This means reduced risk of cardiovascular boo-boos. Totally grouse. Another ripping thing about good chocolate, is it’s impressive magnesium content. Magnesium is an essential mineral that many of us are lacking – muscle twitches, cramps, irritability or difficulty sleeping, anyone? Cacao also stimulates formation of several neurotransmitters (such as serotonin, dopamine and endorphins) that have feel-good properties reminiscent of a post-hump-high (reducing pain and increasing pleasure).

So, other than making you feel like you’ve just given or received an excellent dicking, moderate amounts of cacao can help you relax and sleep, drop your blood pressure, fight internal damage like some sort of unstoppable patriotic force, and build serotonin so you’re not a grumpy fuck. Brilliant. What else is in good chocolate? Not much. Other than cacao, good chocolate contains natural low glycaemic-index sweeteners (like coconut nectar), often coconut and possibly nuts. Good, natural business.

Cool your jets, though, this isn’t a green light to have a block of the stuff every day. It’s not the “superfood” some dickheads have touted it to be. While there are many health benefits from cacao, there are also compounds within cacao which are potentially harmful in high volumes. So it’s best to view it as an indulgence rather than an every day balls-deep affair. Similarly, it ain’t diet food. If you rapaciously devour it you will end up with an arse like a Clydesdale that, when smacked, will shake like a terrified Chihuahua.

Up yours, Kate,

Shannon x

P.S. If you’ve got no idea where to find good chocolate, click here for a peek at my favourite.

7 thoughts on “Chocolate: the Shit and the Excellent

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  4. Sutara Ling

    ‘Shannie’ (you had me at the font stage..! Aesthetics matter!!) But then i read:

    “Similarly, it ain’t diet food. If you rapaciously devour it you will end up with an arse like a Clydesdale that, when smacked, will shake like a terrified Chihuahua.”

    Very nice image…hahahahah!
    Ima posting to Fbook…

    Plus, what i find a tad confusing are the best sweetening alternatives, say for my newfound Hot Maca bevvy…?
    Maca mix-(amazing one from Rainbow Acres)
    Cacao mix…(ditto)
    Cinnamon, Vanilla,
    & I found some maple sugar [pure-yummo!] that i add, bcos i adore ALL things pure maple..

    But is there a better alternative; I dislike Stevia, tastes metallic, Xylitol is a bit gut rumbly if you know what i mean…
    Id love to quit my apparent addiction—I need HELP!!!


    • Ooooh that does sound like a nice drink 🙂
      Have you tried rice malt syrup? However, it still has similar calories to maple syrup.
      I personally believe Stevia is the pick of the bunch for low-cal sweeteners, but I agree that it can leave an unpleasant aftertaste in some circumstances.
      I say – enjoy this treat you have found, as long as you’re not doing it all day every bloody day! x

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  6. Marie Beltran

    I did a Google search for something unrelated after getting into a fierce convo with someone else about chocolate and baking cookies. Stumbled onto this particular post. You made my morning! Love your writing style from this former pastry professional. You tell it like it is. All the best to you!

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