Pimped-Up Prawns


Prawns, y’all are some tasty crustaceans, and because you are furless, have sharp face-pieces and are not very cute, we don’t feel bad about eating you. You try to repel us with your grotesquely visible, at-capacity poo-chutes and your high levels of cholesterol, you little fuckers. But it’s not enough – not when you simultaneously pack some ripping constituents like iodine (which we need for a happy thyroid), sweet-arse friggin’ B vitamins, and zinc (so we can fly-kick germs in the face and/or butthole). So, prawns, we are disemboweling you and eating you. End of story. To keep you fresh, we will add some tropical zest with juicy mango and lime, a touch of chilli to keep things interesting, and quinoa and spinach so our poo-chutes don’t become at-capacity. Prawns: prepare to be pimped the fuck up.


Ingredients: serves 2

– 300g raw prawns

– 1/2 cup uncooked quinoa

– a few giant handfuls of baby spinach, chopped

– 1/2 a tomato, diced

– 1/2 a capsicum, chopped however the hell you like it

– 1/2 an avocado, diced

– 1 mango, diced

– 1/4 of a red onion, finely diced

– 1 jalapeño pepper, finely diced (remove the seeds if you oppose ring-sting)

– 1/2 cup chopped fresh coriander

– a sprinkle of salt

– 2 teaspoons coconut oil for cooking the prawns, and 2 teaspoons for stirring through the quinoa

– juice of 2 limes

– 2 tablespoons of shredded coconut (this is to crust up the prawns. I know, fucking hot)

– reckon you’ll fancy an extra squeeze of zest? If so, cut yourself a couple of lime wedges to garnish that shit

Get Pimpin’:

– righto, soak and cook your quinoa as per its packet’s instructions

– when the quinoa is done, stir the coconut oil and the juice of one lime through it. Then get that green shit (aka spinach) in there and whirl it around. You can serve this part of the dish warm or cold, it’s up to you

– make a salsa by combining the mango, tomato, avocado, onion, jalapeño, coriander, salt and juice of one lime. You can not serve this part of the dish warm or cold, because warm avocado is fucking freaky. Don’t do it

– now it’s time to crust those prawns up. Heat the coconut oil in a fry-pan or wok over high heat, then bang those cheeky crustaceans into the oil and cook them up. They won’t take long, just a few minutes. When they’re almost done, throw in the shredded coconut and toss them like rabid wanker. The coconut will stick to the prawns and give them a little crust, like a crotch that has been wearing the same undergarments for several days. You can serve this part of the dish warm or cold

– so, to serve: lay your dear little prawns on a bed of quinoa and spinach, and let the capsicum nestle in beside like a welcome pup on the bed, and finish it with that sweet, juicy mango salsa. A wedge of lime is optional but excellent


Gird your loins, people, this is some hardcore prawn,

Shannon x

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