Lobster Rolls Win


(Gorgeous snappy image PINCHED from Skye Jackson Studio – haha! Pinched, I’m funny. Find her on Instagram).

Every now and then, you find yourself with a food boner that cannot be tamed by anything strictly ‘healthy’. It needs something proper-dirty. Something decadent. Something with bloody butter. Something with god damn bread. Something that goes well with a cheeky bottle of wine. Something with mother-fucking lobster. Lobster Rolls is it. They are naughty and satisfying – they’ll do shit to you that healthy food just won’t do, and it’s worth the next day blushing of cheeks and possible visceral damage. The inspiration for these bad boys came from one of my favourite Melbourne restaurants. They leave you with a feeling of fullness, a feeling of excellence… a feeling of having a ginormous food boner in your pants.

Ingredients: Makes 6 sweet little rolls

– 6 small brioche buns (if hurling it at someone’s face would result in splitting their lip, let it go and find some others. They should be light, fluffy and glossy)

– 1 lobster: shell him and slice the meat into about 1cm thickness. Any shitty looking meat, chop up finely (if you can’t get your greasy mitts on a lobster, prawns are a pretty good substitute)

– a bunch of watercress

– a french shallot, very finely sliced

– butter

– lemon juice

The Saucy-Sauce:

– 1/4 cup Kewpie mayonnaise

– 1 teaspoon Dijon mustard

– pinch of salt

Get on a Roll:

– get the ol’ oven going on 180C

– halve your brioche buns and butter both sides, then pop them into the hot oven for about 5 minutes. Keep and eye on them, you want them lightly golden brown

– while they’re in there, mix the Kewpie mayonnaise, salt and Dijon mustard together = the saucy-sauce

– when your dear little buns are out, spread some of the saucy-sauce on both sides

– then layer on the chopped lobster, and then the sliced lobster (add a squeeze of lemon onto the lobster, and little bit more saucy-sauce while you’re at it)

– now layer on just a tiny bit of the shallot and then some of the watercress

– pop the lids on and fucking celebrate

– try to conceal your boners or flaunt them at will


Now, if you want to healthify this, you poor bastard, you’ll have to turn it into a salad. Simply make a dressing from the saucy-sauce, and pour it over some spinach leaves, shallot and watercress, then sprinkle on a little salt. Not nearly as delicious as the Roll, but you can’t win them all.


Shannon x

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