Shortbread for a Sexier Santa


Christmas means eating. Eating turkey. Eating fucking grouse roast potatoes. Eating pudding. Eating shortbread. Take a look at Santa, the fat cunt, he is the Christmas poster boy, and you know that awesome fucker is getting his trotters into some tasty gear. But Santa needs to pump the brakes on his ol’ sleigh, because, if you look closely, that rosey hue to his cheeks and nose is, in fact, a ghastly combination of rosacea and broken capillaries, from years of bad culinary behaviour. At least we don’t have to worry about letting our children sit on his lap, because his dick is well smuggled under ample layers of adipose tissue. But child welfare aside, it’s time to pull your boots up, Santa, if you were on the lists rather than making the lists, you might just find yourself in the naughty lineup given these obvious indiscretions. Let’s start Santa on the path to health with some healthified shortbread. But beware, if the ol’ rooster trims down too much, next year you might want to dress your children in some firm fitting heavy denim jeans.

Now, I have to make something clear, this recipe uses butter. Lots of it. Therefore, if consumed in large amounts, it will no longer be healthy. So have some fucking sense. 

Ingredients: makes heaps of grouse shortbreads

– 2 cups almond meal

– 2/3 cup rice flour

– 125 g softened butter cut into cute little chunks

– 1/4 cup coconut oil

– 1/3 cup coconut sugar (they have this at the supermarket so don’t roll your eyes ya dickheads)

– 2 tbs honey or maple syrup

– it needs salt. If you’re a salt lover, put in 1/4 teaspoon. If you’re a salt-avoider, use 1/8 teaspoon

– 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

the sprinkle: 1 teaspoon coconut sugar and 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon and a pinch of salt

– if you want to Christmas that shit up, feel free to throw in some chopped goji berries for a red tinge. I personally consider fruit of any kind an affliction on my shortbread, but whatever

Get Shorty:

– set the oven to 150

– chuck all the ingredients (except the sprinkle) into a food processor. Whizz it good

– flour a board with an absolute fuckload of rice flour. Then plonk your dough on top and roll him out to say, 0.5cm thick. Then use Christmassy cookie cutters or whatever the hell you like to produce something fucking presentable

– next, bang those little fellas on a baking tray that is lined with baking paper

– next, sprinkle on “the sprinkle”

– get them in that oven for 15 minutes, then pop them straight onto a cake rack to cool. Now, do not eat these tasty little fuckers straight out of the oven. They will be flaccid and horrendous. They need to cool down to become firm and ferocious


Merry Fucking Christmas,

Shannon x

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