Shannon's Kitchen

healthy food. inappropriate language. zero fucks given.

coconutoildirtycloseup

Coconut oil. So many people are balls deep in this shit, banging it in smoothies and what-not, and touting it as a ‘superfood’. Should they be?

Let’s get one of the most important points out of the way: it tastes fucking delicious. Obscenely delicious. Like, crazy, fucking delicious. That’s pretty much why I use it. End point.

But coconut oil isn’t anything that special, it’s just a fat, and mostly saturated fat, which has about as good a rap as Biebs (although modern research is suggesting saturated fat is not a fucking villain after all, so you can cool your jets over that. Meanwhile, Biebs continues to prove he’s a complete toss-bag). Studies are showing that although it contains mostly saturated fats, coconut oil has a positive effect on blood cholesterol by increasing HDL levels. HDLs remove excess cholesterol from the tissues and carry it to that legendary liver, who then converts the cholesterol into bile salts (which enter your digestive tract, help break down fats, and then get shat out). That’s why they’re winners. LDLs do the opposite thing – they transport cholesterol to tissues where they can be used to synthesise cell membranes and steroids and what-not. That’s all great, but when levels of LDLs are excessive, the LDLs start bogging the cholesterol any old fucking place – like your precious arteries. This makes the arteries narrow and gooey, increasing your risk of heart disease (or your heart completely shitting itself and you being very sick or very dead). Not good. That’s why LDLs are generally considered cunts.

So besides being ok for the heart, coconut oil contains mostly medium chain fatty acids which are easy for the body to utilise as energy. Some of those are called lauric acid, and these are the chums which have some anti-viral, anti-bacterial and anti-fungal effects. Excellent. But eating arseloads of lauric acid in coconut form is not going to fucking cure AIDS or TB or chronic, oozing vaginal thrush on their own, so calm the fuck down.

Also, coconut oil is simply shithouse when it comes to essential fatty acids. It contains only small amounts of linoleic acid (omega-6 fatty acids) and zero linolenic acid (omega-3 fatty acids). So that is the opposite of excellent. But if it is part of a varied diet containing other fats that contain omega-3 fatty acids, then it’s no biggie.

I sound like I’m being a bit of a jerk to coconut oil. Sorry coconut oil, you’re not a loser, but you’re not a superfood so take off that ridiculous gold star badge, you are embarrassing yourself. Be consoled though, dear coco, that there are no oils that are perfect. Olive has little omega-3 and is unstable (not like Lindsay Lohan unstable, I mean it chemically. Oh wait.. that still kind of works for poor old Linds). Palm oil is out, as its trade kills fucking orangutans like some sort of unstoppable, cuntful rebel force, and man those little orange dudes are cute, so we simply cannot have that. It’s also associated with heart disease – fuck that. Canola oil is no saint either, despite the promises on its packaging – it’s extraction uses heat resulting in a processed, partially oxidised (ie. rancid) oil which increases inflammation. Damn you greasy kings of the tastebuds, damn you all.

So, in summary, coconut is not a superfood, but it’s not a syphilitic cock either. It’s a welcome PART of your diet. Having a salad? Don’t be silly, don’t use coconut oil like a fuck-knuckle. Use a liquid oil like macadamia or olive. But if you’re making Shannon’s Chocolate Salty Balls, well then, for fuck’s sake, get the coconut oil out. Coconut oil has some excellent properties, but let’s not be silly sausages – we must also give a respective nod to avocado, oily fish, nuts, and flaxseeds.

The more I research nutrition, the more I realise, it comes down to simple bloody variety.

Greasily yours,

Shannon x

P.S. It’s also grouse for rubbing on titties.


REFERENCES: For any rad nerds out there.

Chowdhury, R., Warnakula, S., Kunutsor, S., Crowe, F., Ward, H., Johnson, L., Franco, O., Butterworth, A., Forouhi, N., Thompson, S., Khaw, K., Mozaffarian, D., Danesh, J. & Di Angelantonio, E. (2014). ‘Association of dietary, circulating, and supplement fatty acids with coronary risk: a systematic review and meta-analysis’, Annals of Internal Medicine, Vol 160 Iss 9, p.658. Available at http://wphna.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/2014-03_Annals_of_Int_Med_Chowdhury_et_al_Fat_and_CHD_+_responses.pdf

Intahphuak, S., Khonsung, P. & Panthong, A. (2010) ‘Anti-inflammatory, analgesic, and antipyretic activities of virgin coconut oil’, Pharmaceutical Biology, Vol 48 Iss 2, pp.151-157. Available at http://informahealthcare.com/doi/abs/10.3109/13880200903062614

Marina, A., Che Man, Y. & Amin, I. (2009) ‘Virgin coconut oil: emerging functional food oil’, Trends in Food Science & Technology. Vol 20 Iss 10, pp.481-487. Available at http://www.researchgate.net/publication/223558266_Virgin_coconut_oil_emerging_functional_food_oil

Marina, A., Che Man, Y., Nazimah, S. & Amin, I. (2009) ‘Antioxidant capacity and phenolic acids of virgin coconut oil’, International Journal of Food Sciences and Nutrition. Vol 60 Iss 2 pp.114-123. Available at http://informahealthcare.com/doi/abs/10.1080/09637480802549127

Nevin, K. & Rajamohan, T. (2006) ‘Virgin coconut oil supplemented diet increases the antioxidant status in rats’, Food Chemistry, Vol 99 Iss 2, pp.260-266. Available at http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0308814605006412

Ng, C., Leong, X., Masbah, N., Adam, S., Kamisah, Y. & Jaarin, K. (2014) ‘Heated vegetable oils and cardiovascular disease risk factors’, Vascular Pharmacology. Iss 61 Vol 1, pp.1-9. Available at http://www.pubfacts.com/detail/24632108/Heated-vegetable-oils-and-cardiovascular-disease-risk-factors.

Nurul-Iman, B., Kamisah, Y., Jaarin, K. & Qodriyah, H. (2013) ‘Virgin coconut oil prevents bloody pressure elevation and improves endothelial functions in rats fed with repeatedly heated palm oil’, Evidence-Based Complementary and Alternative Medicine. Vol 2013. Available at http://www.hindawi.com/journals/ecam/2013/629329/

355 thoughts on “Is coconut oil just for rubbing on your titties, or is it truly a ‘superfood’?

  1. Dave Edwards says:

    Ok. Done. Im going to follow you. Not in the creepy, stalky, privately exciting way, well, not entirely…. I’ll be here waiting for you next blog, in the same way I look forward to passing by a mirror. Remarkable!

    1. Shannon says:

      Thanks, creep-o! x

    2. Patti says:

      P.S. It’s also grouse for rubbing on titties.

      I can’t find the appropriate definition for ‘grouse’ to understand if you are saying it’s a good thing or a bad thing. is it ‘gross’? not being a dick just seriously what to know if you’re recommending it or not.
      thnx

      1. Shannon says:

        I meant grouse!
        Please see the following link for a definition of the word, ‘grouse’:
        http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=grouse

        To be honest, I never thought anyone outside of my friendship circle, let alone outside of fucking Australia, would ever read this, so the inclusion of this ridiculous word was poorly considered 😉

      2. Eric Ashton says:

        When I was a teenager I joined a group of folks that traveled city to city and sold magazines door to door like underpaid whores. During that time I was introduced to the term grouse. If a house was made up like they had enough money to waste on shitty house decorations (we thought that would be an easy target for our worthless magazine sales) they would be considered ‘grouse’.

        My eyes popped when I saw the reference Shannon. Thanks for the flashback.

      3. macca says:

        Grouse is good. More than good actually. Somewhere between good and fucking great.

  2. Gene says:

    Loved the article Shannon. Colorful, educational. What more could a boy want? Oh, I know. I don’t think I’m using the coconut oil correctly. Could you post some video or pictures or something showing how you rub it on your titties? Thanks. I appreciate you.

    1. Shannon says:

      Hahahahahaha!
      I think I have disappointed my parents enough without succumbing to your wonderful request 😉

      1. Gene says:

        I had to try. You’re the best, Shannon.

      2. SJ says:

        What ARE the benefits of rubbing it on your titties exactly? 🙂

  3. Duck Xu says:

    Miss Shannon darling! This was so much fun! I have a friend who is loco over coco oil. Cant wait to rub this one in! Pun intended:D Do you have a twitter account by any chance?
    Exes n Hoes!
    DuckXu

    1. Shannon says:

      Hahaha! I hope you throughly enjoy rubbing it in 😀
      Yep, twitter account is @shanskitchen. I have no fucking idea what I’m doing on there, however. I’m as useless as an old lady trying to tune in a fucking television when it comes to twitter.

      1. Gary Moore says:

        You speak like a true builder which I love here’s to you Shannon yours truly Gary Moore

      2. Shannon says:

        Haha! A top compliment! Thanks Gary 😀

  4. harrymadden says:

    You forgot to mention coconut oil is the absolute balls when it comes to getting freaky in the bedroom. It feels like having your cock and/clitorus stroked by a divinely fragranced cloud of desire. You’re welcome.

  5. Came here expecting to see titties.

    Fortunately you know how to put a sentence together rather fucking well, so I’m leaving only mildly disappointed 😉

    Good stuff.

  6. Zander D says:

    I just discovered your blog, and fuck me, it’s good. Your writing style is freely expressive and open with equal parts intellect and sass. It’s a fucking fine breath of fresh air. You’ve got another subscriber. Keep that shit up.

    1. Shannon says:

      “Freely expressive” is a very generous way to describe it, thank you kindly 😉
      I won’t let you down x

  7. Ash says:

    Haha this was an awesome read!!! Good on you for sending love to the rangas 😉 being one myself, I appreciate it lol.

    Country peeps represent! (SW QLD raised)

  8. yes but can you brush your teeth with the coconut oil as rumors say? does it cure cavities? And… what does it mean in the end? can I rub this on tits and enjoy it? can I brush my teeth with tits and coconut oil is the real question!?!?!!!!

    1. Shannon says:

      I have no fucking idea about brushing your teeth with the stuff!
      Yes, you can safely rub it on your titties and if you can combine that with your oral hygiene routine, well then, hats off to you.

      1. OK but why rub it on your titties? Is it good for your skin or are you talking about a sex lube?

      2. Shannon says:

        A little from column A, a little from column B.

      3. elynor says:

        i’ve not actually brushed me pearly whites with coconut oil, but i have used it for oil pulling, which does wonders for your mouth. maybe give it a try?

        (i wait in excited anticipation for a wiity remark. i love your article and writing style.

      4. Shannon says:

        Coconut oil would have to be the best flavour option for oil pulling! But as for me, generally if I have something in my mouth, I swallow it 😉
        P.S. The Well Nurse wrote a piece on oil pulling not long ago, if you want to check it out: http://thewellnurse.net/2015/01/oil-pulling/

  9. hardwoodballer says:

    Lmao love the title, anytime you have the opportunity to say titties you need to take full advantage lol.

    http://nbahardwoodclassic.wordpress.com/

  10. lizzy says:

    Not the type to use your words but LOL at your choice.

  11. joe brez says:

    Writing from Amherst, MA SoIwasWonderingaboutTheVERYendWhereITsaysITsGrouse4theTITSthisAintTYPINGrightMYemailIS_brez1212005yahoocom

  12. Renée says:

    Love it! Thanks for the information packaged up with a great laugh!

  13. You cuss almost as much as I do, and that is fucking awesome. Also, if you like popcorn, pop it in coconut oil. That shit is so good you’ll want to slap someone. (Make sure they’re into that first, though, because assault charges are not good.)

    1. St.Ephanie says:

      Most major theaters pop their corn in coconut oil. Hence the heavenlyness.

  14. jayfromri says:

    The headline still has me puzzled…. Of course titties are a super food!

  15. jayfromri says:

    The headline has me a bit confused. Of course titties are a super food!

  16. Eileen says:

    Readable, entertaining, AND a kick-ass bibliography? I’m in love. Your explanation of why palm oil is bad for us is the best ever. I want to run away with you so we can write scientific articles together on some sandy beach whilst sipping adult beverages.
    (Is it wrong of me that I want you to submit this article to a bunch of journals so we can all read the rejection letters?)

    1. Shannon says:

      Hahaha! Ohhhhhh the rejection would be quite firm, I feel.
      😀

  17. Adrian says:

    How good are oily boobies!

    1. Shannon says:

      There’s nothing better than a set of greased-up titties.

  18. Kathy says:

    Makes kick ass home fries too!

  19. Kelsey says:

    I love this! Awesome info. with fucktacular delivery. And thanks to a response of yours to an earlier comment, all I will be able to think of now when calling a patient back with lipid panel results is “Such a d*ck, LDL’s!” Bahahahaha. Fabulous

  20. Rob says:

    I hate the stuff! Ruins the meal as I can taste the coconut, yuk. I don’t like the smell either but I do like coconut itself in its dsssicated form or straight from the shell. Have tried the pure one and the not so pure. Not good on my skin either but I know some who practically bathe in it and love it. 🙂

  21. Kathleen says:

    Good article Shannon. I love coconut oil and have been using it for 4 years when it was only available at markets, it is now available at supermarkets, health food stores and markets. I also love hempseed oil, which is available at health food stores and online. It is high (no pun intended) in Omegas 3, 6 and 9 and a better source of these Omegas than fish oil. And more sustainable, as fish are being wiped out to supply the oil. There is no THC in hempseed or marijuana seed, so there is no psychoactive ingredient in the oil. Australia is the last western country in the world to legalise hemp food for human consumption, due to, not only the backward, ignorant thinking of government and police, but also due to the pharmaceutical industry lobbying government to make natural alternatives illegal because they may interfere with the sales of their pharmaceuticals and profits.

  22. Shannon says:

    You really made me proud of our name. Most other Shannon’s I meet are as cool as us. Thanks for the info.

    1. Shannon says:

      Yessssssssss. Awesome-Shans UNITE! x

  23. Big Red says:

    Any photographic evidence of you applying said super-food to your titties? Quality evidence should not be based on anecdotes… 😉

    1. Shannon says:

      Hahaha! You’re dreamin’.

  24. Gretchen Ann says:

    Its such a same that in our society one must be totally vulgar to attract attention. It make you seem not very smart at best .

    1. Gretchen Ann says:

      Shame*

    2. Shannon says:

      It’s such a shame that one must leave negative comments on others’ work to attract attention! 😛

  25. Hey Shannon, rockin blog! defo gonna follow you! (in a most untoward and creepy fashion) got a minute for a quick question???? 😀 when you say coconut oil, the stuff i have is like a white solid until heat hits it that comes in a jar, (as opposed to fluid ones in bottles e.g olive oil) is that the same stuff you are talking about in this post?

    1. Shannon says:

      That’s the stuff, Dexter!

  26. i’ve only ever used it as body lotion, picked up the habit on the. islands. congeals at room temp outside the equator – is this the same conconut oil … people eat it?

    1. Shannon says:

      Yep! The cold-pressed version is chomped on 🙂

  27. Paul says:

    nice one, thanks. Good info plus some great and some terrible mental images. So, it’s not the Devil’s jism but nor is it the breast milk of fairies.

    Does the same apply to coconut milk (that you get in tins)? I use it in a great salmon laksa recipe that is otherwise healthy.

    Also, what about coconut water? I use it as a base for smoothies.

    BTW the milk is decent for rubbing on titties but the water is not so good.
    Cheers
    Paul

    1. Shannon says:

      Yes, I don’t think the coconut water has quite the right vibe for our titties.
      Coconut milk and water are similar to the oil – have some great qualities but aren’t a complete 100% health-filled option. I use coconut milk in my cooking all the time though. The salmon laksa sounds delicious! 😀

  28. Hacka says:

    Besides all the stuff you posted, it can make the body feel full, which is kind of awesome. Add it to a smoothie and it’s very satisfying, and helps reduce cravings.

    Love your writing…playful and assertive.
    Good stuff.

  29. Ben says:

    Interesting article, love the writing style, a girl with a filthy mouth used eloquently is a rare treat. Not totally accurate and missing some useful stuff that makes it super (ie did you know that the lauric acid in coconut butter breaks down the lipid coating on viruses and bacteria such as HIV and Streptococcus making it easier for your own immune system to fight it), but still super fun.
    Oh and in reference to an earlier comment, TVC’s tune themselves these days so old ladies don’t have too xx

  30. Paul says:

    I was looking forward to reading this post, as I am interested in the content and an advocate of using coconut oil in everything. Unfortunately I decided to stop reading after the second paragraph. Your total overuse of expletives detracts hugely from your point and reads very uncomfortably in a blog about food. I often swear like a trooper, particularly when watching football, but in this context the sheer volume of unnecessary offensive language make you sound like a complete idiot who feels they must bolster their small vocabulary with swearwords to sound clever or funny. You are clearly not an idiot, nor do you have a limited vocabulary, so why swear so much? You’re not talking about the state of the world today, about something that makes you angry, you’re talking about coconut oil. The rest of your writing is very readable; you may extend your readership if you spent less time wearing out your ‘f’ key.

    1. Shannon says:

      I appreciate your concern. I am really not interested in extending my readership. I’m a bit of a loose unit, I will admit, but if people do not appreciate it, then they can just close the Shannon’s Kitchen tab and forget about it.

    2. captainbenno says:

      Paul is clearly a W + Anchor – Shannon you are Ace! the fun police can stick it balls deep in a jar of coconut oil for all I care, looking forward to reading the next one.

    3. Mike says:

      Oh Jeeeeesus. Think Paul could probably use a dab of the good stuff to ease the squeeze and let out whatever foreign object is causing his distress. Health/food articles are boring as shit, for the most part. You use expletives masterfully, as far as I’m concerned. Think you get coco’s revoked gold star. Wear it proudly, good nurse. I’ll be back for more infotainment for sure!

  31. Goodcunt says:

    Enjoyed the post . . Except a bit confused by the cussing . . In my world cunts are good things, no?

  32. Sherane says:

    so, does coconut oil make your boobs grow or something ? i feel somebody already asked but that’s a lot of comments

  33. Snarkin says:

    Wait just a fucking hot second: you’re supposed to be putting it on your ta-tas? Since when? How did I miss that memo? Or is this just needed for post-preggo ladies who have a parasite sucking on their teet?

    1. Shannon says:

      Haha! It’s just a moisturiser for the ta-tas 🙂 (But yes, breastfeeding mammas can use it to ease the nipps).
      Plus an obscene number of people have since recommended it as some sort of sexual slippery slider.

  34. Amber says:

    I am wondering what vaginal thrush is? oh wait never mind…… anyways most epic article on coconut oil. By the way it’s wonderful for your hair…

  35. Rhonda Schneider says:

    Hey, I’m a 58 year old straight woman and I think you’re hilarious! I discovered you by accident but I will keep reading. You make me laugh and also provide a lot of useful information.

    1. Shannon says:

      Hooray! Welcome, Rhonda 😀

  36. Sid Rumpo says:

    Great article. Can I rub on my balls as well? make them smell good at least.

    1. Shannon says:

      You rub that shit wherever you like, Sid.
      Although, just be aware that it degrades latex so it’s not a friend to condoms.
      Shannon’s Kitchen believes in safe sex 😉

  37. Justine says:

    Love how you made the article interesting 🙂

    I am a big believer in coconut oil for topical use. Skin irritations, wounds, etc. I have a farm and it is what I use to promote healing and prevent infection. I have not been let down yet. You should see some of the wounds it has healed.

    As for nutritionally, I will take your word for it. I know it tastes fucking amazing. I especially like to fry our eggs in a little coconut oil. So good.

    1. Shannon says:

      Next time I get a scrape or cut I will try it on myself! Thanks for the tip, Justine x
      PS. I think coco oil is delicious too 🙂

  38. Heather says:

    Ummm, Thug Kitchen is that you? Wow.

  39. Edna says:

    OK. I like you!

  40. NewbDad says:

    I have yet to try eating coconut oil but it is great for my dry skin in the winter and my wife LOVED it for her belly during pregnancy.

    1. Shannon says:

      I have heard mammas say it saved them from stretch marks!

  41. Classic! I loved it. I wish I had written my dissertation in this style.

    1. Shannon says:

      I’m sure it would have been well received.
      x

  42. Daniel Mendez says:

    Real talk, where’s the love on Walnut oil?? Not gonna lie, cooking with coco oil just tastes OK vs cooking with walnut oil. Not because it has any pixie dust or magical flavor imbuing properties, but because of the lack thereof. It intensifies the flavor of the things you cook. Just one caveat, keep the heat low, but your fish fillets will be fucking scrumptious. Omega 3’s? Oh its got the most. Hands down, the best fat profile of any oil ever.

    Get on my level.

    1. Jen says:

      Is it better than Hemp oil? It is loaded with Omegas!

      1. Shannon says:

        I would say no (but depends on levels of heat used etc)

  43. And it makes your beau’s sphincter smell like cookies!

  44. Charlie Ashley Francis says:

    Is Shannon a girls name or a boys name?

    1. Shannon says:

      Well, it can be either. But in this case, it belongs to a girl.

  45. Mark says:

    So my wife likes to put this on her pussy but I don’t like macaroon flavored twat. What to do?

  46. Bee says:

    Shannon, I think I love you. I should probably calm the fuck down, but you are a total hoot. Cannot stop sniggering and snorting. XX

    1. Shannon says:

      Who would want to calm the fuck down, when you can snigger and snort?! x

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