Is coconut oil just for rubbing on your titties, or is it truly a ‘superfood’?

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Coconut oil. So many people are balls deep in this shit, banging it in smoothies and what-not, and touting it as a ‘superfood’. Should they be?

Let’s get one of the most important points out of the way: it tastes fucking delicious. Obscenely delicious. Like, crazy, fucking delicious. That’s pretty much why I use it. End point.

But coconut oil isn’t anything that special, it’s just a fat, and mostly saturated fat, which has about as good a rap as Biebs (although modern research is suggesting saturated fat is not a fucking villain after all, so you can cool your jets over that. Meanwhile, Biebs continues to prove he’s a complete toss-bag). Studies are showing that although it contains mostly saturated fats, coconut oil has a positive effect on blood cholesterol by increasing HDL levels. HDLs remove excess cholesterol from the tissues and carry it to that legendary liver, who then converts the cholesterol into bile salts (which enter your digestive tract, help break down fats, and then get shat out). That’s why they’re winners. LDLs do the opposite thing – they transport cholesterol to tissues where they can be used to synthesise cell membranes and steroids and what-not. That’s all great, but when levels of LDLs are excessive, the LDLs start bogging the cholesterol any old fucking place – like your precious arteries. This makes the arteries narrow and gooey, increasing your risk of heart disease (or your heart completely shitting itself and you being very sick or very dead). Not good. That’s why LDLs are generally considered cunts.

So besides being ok for the heart, coconut oil contains mostly medium chain fatty acids which are easy for the body to utilise as energy. Some of those are called lauric acid, and these are the chums which have some anti-viral, anti-bacterial and anti-fungal effects. Excellent. But eating arseloads of lauric acid in coconut form is not going to fucking cure AIDS or TB or chronic, oozing vaginal thrush on their own, so calm the fuck down.

Also, coconut oil is simply shithouse when it comes to essential fatty acids. It contains only small amounts of linoleic acid (omega-6 fatty acids) and zero linolenic acid (omega-3 fatty acids). So that is the opposite of excellent. But if it is part of a varied diet containing other fats that contain omega-3 fatty acids, then it’s no biggie.

I sound like I’m being a bit of a jerk to coconut oil. Sorry coconut oil, you’re not a loser, but you’re not a superfood so take off that ridiculous gold star badge, you are embarrassing yourself. Be consoled though, dear coco, that there are no oils that are perfect. Olive has little omega-3 and is unstable (not like Lindsay Lohan unstable, I mean it chemically. Oh wait.. that still kind of works for poor old Linds). Palm oil is out, as its trade kills fucking orangutans like some sort of unstoppable, cuntful rebel force, and man those little orange dudes are cute, so we simply cannot have that. It’s also associated with heart disease – fuck that. Canola oil is no saint either, despite the promises on its packaging – it’s extraction uses heat resulting in a processed, partially oxidised (ie. rancid) oil which increases inflammation. Damn you greasy kings of the tastebuds, damn you all.

So, in summary, coconut is not a superfood, but it’s not a syphilitic cock either. It’s a welcome PART of your diet. Having a salad? Don’t be silly, don’t use coconut oil like a fuck-knuckle. Use a liquid oil like macadamia or olive. But if you’re making Shannon’s Chocolate Salty Balls, well then, for fuck’s sake, get the coconut oil out. Coconut oil has some excellent properties, but let’s not be silly sausages – we must also give a respective nod to avocado, oily fish, nuts, and flaxseeds.

The more I research nutrition, the more I realise, it comes down to simple bloody variety.

Greasily yours,

Shannon x

P.S. It’s also grouse for rubbing on titties.


REFERENCES: For any rad nerds out there.

Chowdhury, R., Warnakula, S., Kunutsor, S., Crowe, F., Ward, H., Johnson, L., Franco, O., Butterworth, A., Forouhi, N., Thompson, S., Khaw, K., Mozaffarian, D., Danesh, J. & Di Angelantonio, E. (2014). ‘Association of dietary, circulating, and supplement fatty acids with coronary risk: a systematic review and meta-analysis’, Annals of Internal Medicine, Vol 160 Iss 9, p.658. Available at http://wphna.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/2014-03_Annals_of_Int_Med_Chowdhury_et_al_Fat_and_CHD_+_responses.pdf

Intahphuak, S., Khonsung, P. & Panthong, A. (2010) ‘Anti-inflammatory, analgesic, and antipyretic activities of virgin coconut oil’, Pharmaceutical Biology, Vol 48 Iss 2, pp.151-157. Available at http://informahealthcare.com/doi/abs/10.3109/13880200903062614

Marina, A., Che Man, Y. & Amin, I. (2009) ‘Virgin coconut oil: emerging functional food oil’, Trends in Food Science & Technology. Vol 20 Iss 10, pp.481-487. Available at http://www.researchgate.net/publication/223558266_Virgin_coconut_oil_emerging_functional_food_oil

Marina, A., Che Man, Y., Nazimah, S. & Amin, I. (2009) ‘Antioxidant capacity and phenolic acids of virgin coconut oil’, International Journal of Food Sciences and Nutrition. Vol 60 Iss 2 pp.114-123. Available at http://informahealthcare.com/doi/abs/10.1080/09637480802549127

Nevin, K. & Rajamohan, T. (2006) ‘Virgin coconut oil supplemented diet increases the antioxidant status in rats’, Food Chemistry, Vol 99 Iss 2, pp.260-266. Available at http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0308814605006412

Ng, C., Leong, X., Masbah, N., Adam, S., Kamisah, Y. & Jaarin, K. (2014) ‘Heated vegetable oils and cardiovascular disease risk factors’, Vascular Pharmacology. Iss 61 Vol 1, pp.1-9. Available at http://www.pubfacts.com/detail/24632108/Heated-vegetable-oils-and-cardiovascular-disease-risk-factors.

Nurul-Iman, B., Kamisah, Y., Jaarin, K. & Qodriyah, H. (2013) ‘Virgin coconut oil prevents bloody pressure elevation and improves endothelial functions in rats fed with repeatedly heated palm oil’, Evidence-Based Complementary and Alternative Medicine. Vol 2013. Available at http://www.hindawi.com/journals/ecam/2013/629329/

361 thoughts on “Is coconut oil just for rubbing on your titties, or is it truly a ‘superfood’?

  1. how very, very refreshing. Love it. Love it. Love. Cannot stop laughing whilst taking in the absolute feeling of integrity of your no BS writings. A great big lung full of the fresh stuff

  2. june

    Awsomely put Shannon 😆 lmfao … Titties hey ? One for the boyfriend me thinks oh and perhaps some for him too … Yeah i like that idea 😉

  3. Nik

    Amy, in the light of the conclusion of the article which does not sway strongly in either direction, I think we the people now deserve to witness a culmination of this wonderful study in which coconut oil is being used expressly for the purpose it was intended from the start – rubbing on titties.

  4. Shannon someone who reads my blog forwarded on your stuff because apparently you swear more than I do. And you do. You also write beautifully and I think I may be a bit in love with you. Is that weird? I hope so.
    Greasily yours from England
    Eeh Bah Mum

    • I just snort-laughed reading your Beginners Guide to Entertaining a Baby.
      Too good!
      Your love is not weird anymore because it’s mutual which removes any creep factor. Shall we celebrate with a good ol’ tittie-greasing?

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