Shannon's Kitchen

healthy food. inappropriate language. zero fucks given.

coconutoildirtycloseup

Coconut oil. So many people are balls deep in this shit, banging it in smoothies and what-not, and touting it as a ‘superfood’. Should they be?

Let’s get one of the most important points out of the way: it tastes fucking delicious. Obscenely delicious. Like, crazy, fucking delicious. That’s pretty much why I use it. End point.

But coconut oil isn’t anything that special, it’s just a fat, and mostly saturated fat, which has about as good a rap as Biebs (although modern research is suggesting saturated fat is not a fucking villain after all, so you can cool your jets over that. Meanwhile, Biebs continues to prove he’s a complete toss-bag). Studies are showing that although it contains mostly saturated fats, coconut oil has a positive effect on blood cholesterol by increasing HDL levels. HDLs remove excess cholesterol from the tissues and carry it to that legendary liver, who then converts the cholesterol into bile salts (which enter your digestive tract, help break down fats, and then get shat out). That’s why they’re winners. LDLs do the opposite thing – they transport cholesterol to tissues where they can be used to synthesise cell membranes and steroids and what-not. That’s all great, but when levels of LDLs are excessive, the LDLs start bogging the cholesterol any old fucking place – like your precious arteries. This makes the arteries narrow and gooey, increasing your risk of heart disease (or your heart completely shitting itself and you being very sick or very dead). Not good. That’s why LDLs are generally considered cunts.

So besides being ok for the heart, coconut oil contains mostly medium chain fatty acids which are easy for the body to utilise as energy. Some of those are called lauric acid, and these are the chums which have some anti-viral, anti-bacterial and anti-fungal effects. Excellent. But eating arseloads of lauric acid in coconut form is not going to fucking cure AIDS or TB or chronic, oozing vaginal thrush on their own, so calm the fuck down.

Also, coconut oil is simply shithouse when it comes to essential fatty acids. It contains only small amounts of linoleic acid (omega-6 fatty acids) and zero linolenic acid (omega-3 fatty acids). So that is the opposite of excellent. But if it is part of a varied diet containing other fats that contain omega-3 fatty acids, then it’s no biggie.

I sound like I’m being a bit of a jerk to coconut oil. Sorry coconut oil, you’re not a loser, but you’re not a superfood so take off that ridiculous gold star badge, you are embarrassing yourself. Be consoled though, dear coco, that there are no oils that are perfect. Olive has little omega-3 and is unstable (not like Lindsay Lohan unstable, I mean it chemically. Oh wait.. that still kind of works for poor old Linds). Palm oil is out, as its trade kills fucking orangutans like some sort of unstoppable, cuntful rebel force, and man those little orange dudes are cute, so we simply cannot have that. It’s also associated with heart disease – fuck that. Canola oil is no saint either, despite the promises on its packaging – it’s extraction uses heat resulting in a processed, partially oxidised (ie. rancid) oil which increases inflammation. Damn you greasy kings of the tastebuds, damn you all.

So, in summary, coconut is not a superfood, but it’s not a syphilitic cock either. It’s a welcome PART of your diet. Having a salad? Don’t be silly, don’t use coconut oil like a fuck-knuckle. Use a liquid oil like macadamia or olive. But if you’re making Shannon’s Chocolate Salty Balls, well then, for fuck’s sake, get the coconut oil out. Coconut oil has some excellent properties, but let’s not be silly sausages – we must also give a respective nod to avocado, oily fish, nuts, and flaxseeds.

The more I research nutrition, the more I realise, it comes down to simple bloody variety.

Greasily yours,

Shannon x

P.S. It’s also grouse for rubbing on titties.


REFERENCES: For any rad nerds out there.

Chowdhury, R., Warnakula, S., Kunutsor, S., Crowe, F., Ward, H., Johnson, L., Franco, O., Butterworth, A., Forouhi, N., Thompson, S., Khaw, K., Mozaffarian, D., Danesh, J. & Di Angelantonio, E. (2014). ‘Association of dietary, circulating, and supplement fatty acids with coronary risk: a systematic review and meta-analysis’, Annals of Internal Medicine, Vol 160 Iss 9, p.658. Available at http://wphna.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/2014-03_Annals_of_Int_Med_Chowdhury_et_al_Fat_and_CHD_+_responses.pdf

Intahphuak, S., Khonsung, P. & Panthong, A. (2010) ‘Anti-inflammatory, analgesic, and antipyretic activities of virgin coconut oil’, Pharmaceutical Biology, Vol 48 Iss 2, pp.151-157. Available at http://informahealthcare.com/doi/abs/10.3109/13880200903062614

Marina, A., Che Man, Y. & Amin, I. (2009) ‘Virgin coconut oil: emerging functional food oil’, Trends in Food Science & Technology. Vol 20 Iss 10, pp.481-487. Available at http://www.researchgate.net/publication/223558266_Virgin_coconut_oil_emerging_functional_food_oil

Marina, A., Che Man, Y., Nazimah, S. & Amin, I. (2009) ‘Antioxidant capacity and phenolic acids of virgin coconut oil’, International Journal of Food Sciences and Nutrition. Vol 60 Iss 2 pp.114-123. Available at http://informahealthcare.com/doi/abs/10.1080/09637480802549127

Nevin, K. & Rajamohan, T. (2006) ‘Virgin coconut oil supplemented diet increases the antioxidant status in rats’, Food Chemistry, Vol 99 Iss 2, pp.260-266. Available at http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0308814605006412

Ng, C., Leong, X., Masbah, N., Adam, S., Kamisah, Y. & Jaarin, K. (2014) ‘Heated vegetable oils and cardiovascular disease risk factors’, Vascular Pharmacology. Iss 61 Vol 1, pp.1-9. Available at http://www.pubfacts.com/detail/24632108/Heated-vegetable-oils-and-cardiovascular-disease-risk-factors.

Nurul-Iman, B., Kamisah, Y., Jaarin, K. & Qodriyah, H. (2013) ‘Virgin coconut oil prevents bloody pressure elevation and improves endothelial functions in rats fed with repeatedly heated palm oil’, Evidence-Based Complementary and Alternative Medicine. Vol 2013. Available at http://www.hindawi.com/journals/ecam/2013/629329/

355 thoughts on “Is coconut oil just for rubbing on your titties, or is it truly a ‘superfood’?

  1. tebinium says:

    My big sister is a nurse. Nurses are awesome and severely underpaid. Get some decent,subtle advertising on this and make some money out of a WONDERFUL blog.

    1. Pamela says:

      Thanks for that information. Could have done without the disgusting language.

      1. franswami says:

        Shannon eats like she gives a fuck. #thugkitchenforlife

  2. Tom Grimshaw says:

    You make some good points and an excellent summary. Variety is not just the spice of life it is nutritionally at least sound if not vital!

    The other point to add about LDL, the “bad” form of cholesterol, is that those of us old farts with LESS LDL do not put on as much muscle mass when we exercise. Increasing the LDL enables us to add more muscle mass. Which strengthens bones and… …makes your gluteus maximus, pecs and other toned muscles so on look a whole lot better to the opposite gender!

    1. susan obrien says:

      Tom, that is totally cool info! I had no idea. Great! love it.

    2. julianne says:

      Oh cool – do you have a reference for that

  3. Pingback: Flux Comb
  4. April says:

    Wow straight forward, honest, correct and made me laugh. I LOVE your style Shannon!

      1. A says:

        What about this whole coconut water obsession?? I buy at least a can a week.

      2. Shannon says:

        Coconut water does contain quite a few minerals (like potassium) and cytokinins. Studies have shown it can be helpful for some conditions like kidney stones or hypertension (sometimes those studies are funded by manufacturers though). I personally don’t think it is a miracle-drink, but it’s certainly not bad for you.

  5. ZanchoZilla says:

    best fucking article about this shit EVAAAAAAR. “LDL’s are cunts”… LMAO, so youre saying there’s a chance???

  6. yumyum says:

    I agree with all of this. But if we compare it with other oils coconut oil is ruling it in my opinion. (there are many other great ones just coconut is maybe top dog?)

    1. Shannon says:

      I use it frequently, it is probably the top-dog oil in my pantry (not just for tittie rubbing).
      But I wouldn’t chow it down like a ‘superfood’.

  7. Chelle says:

    This just might be the best read EVER!!!

  8. Audrey @ beyondchocolate says:

    so glad you have taken the asterisk out of your cunt and put the rightful u back in! Love your take no prisoners, tell it like it is style! And you make sense too…

    1. Shannon says:

      Losing that asterisk was a tremendous relief.
      ❤ x

      1. cem says:

        a good laugh and a learn ~ good shit..
        and asterisks are for pussies!

  9. Pamela Rollinger says:

    Without a doubt, the best info about coconut oil I have EVER read. I’m pretty bored with the coconut praising (even though I use and love the stuff). This article made me happy. Thanks.

  10. marcosss says:

    Superfood? is there such a thing? I don’t believe there is. Coconut oil is an MCT high in caprilic acid, it has advantages over all other oils when it comes to metabolic health. This is an established fact. Your post is mildly amusing with a handful of useful facts, though it conveys your message poorly, maybe there is no message & its a satirical piece. Don’t quite know, particularly when you comment ” I use it frequently, it is probably the top-dog oil in my pantry (not just for tittie rubbing).”

    1. Shannon says:

      The term superfood is a marketing tool, but even still, it is my opinion that coconut oil does not deserve it. I stated many health benefits of coconut oil so cool your jets, amigo. I use the oil, I love the oil, but it’s not a fucking miracle food.

      1. Marcosss says:

        Cool my jets? Didn’t realise that they were running hot. I thank you for bringing this to my attention, my gutter mouthed amigo.

  11. Aimee says:

    I just discovered your blog…and this post. I am in LOVE with it! I love the delicious turn of phrase and fucking language…I was very entertained and agree fully with your presentation of information.

    1. Shannon says:

      Haha! Thanks Aimee 😀 Welcome to Shannon’s Kitchen xx

  12. Eoin H says:

    Who ever said the cursing was a bad thing! my mother, that’s who.. little does she know it managed to keep me entertained long enough to read a full article about health, which was the best read in a long time.

    1. Alan Hope says:

      What do these people think is going to happen when they post? Shannon’s editors clearly have no problem with her colourful vocabulary. Nor do the majority of readers, judging from responses? So what’s supposed to happen? Some net.nanny calls her “foul-mouthed” and she gets sacked on the spot? Or taken down into hell? Maybe the piece gets pulled for rewriting? Does that ever happen? Isn’t there a commandment against throwing away your life on pointless crusades? Clearly not.

  13. aplayapal says:

    There’s no footnote for your source regarding coconut oil being grouse for rubbing on titties.

  14. “coconut oil is simply shithouse” – If I didn’t know you were Australian, I would think you were mentally retarded. I guess it’s the fluoridated beer.

    1. Shannon says:

      Your misquotation is highly obnoxious. I wrote, “coconut oil is simply shithouse when it comes to essential fatty acids”. Don’t be a dick. Where are your fucking manners?

      1. Julianne says:

        Umm… where are yours? If you want to be considered knowledgeable, try losing the attitude, and the cussing. You can still be witty and followed even more if you do it with a touch more class.

      2. Shannon says:

        I don’t care to be ‘followed even more’ – this blog is a hobby.
        Thanks for taking the time to be negative.

      3. Geebs says:

        Haha, well said. Aussie hey? Me too. Hey, if you’re ever in need of a coconut oil tenacious titty rubber/mindful masseuse/passionate porker/libidinous licker/cranial copulator, I’m definitely available.

  15. rory bevan says:

    top banana ……. brilliant

  16. tmrchpmn says:

    It has totally changed my health, so I disagree. Beyond that I found this article extremely offensive on so many levels, I may not be able to sleep. You’re very disturbed. Get help.

    1. Shannon says:

      If a stranger on the internet writes crassly about food and it causes you to lose sleep, I suggest the possibility that perhaps it is you that needs help. Thanks for taking the time to be negative!

      1. Andrea says:

        Fuck those fucking twats. This blog is perfection. And of course you’re Australian! Man I gotta get to Australia one day.

      2. Cricketye says:

        You fucking rock!!

  17. Jennifer says:

    You are beautiful, you are salty, you are hilarious and I think I’m in love with your blogging style. You are even gracious to your haters out there 😀 Truly crass with class! Can’t wait to read more. (((((HUGS)))))

    1. Shannon says:

      Well, you’ve just gone and made my bloody day ❤ Thank you xx

  18. David Thompson says:

    Still a bit in the dark on the the whole titty rubbing. Is that one of those Aussie things?

  19. Dee says:

    hahahahaha omg i love you.

  20. Jeff says:

    you appear to be deficient in tit rubs. Coconut oil is literally awesome sauce..

    And deficient in EFA, as a bad thing?

    http://raypeat.com/articles/articles/fishoil.shtml

  21. a-bomb says:

    Your assessment is eloquent and well-researched. I’m still a little confused if it’s yay or nay on the titties thing.

  22. R B says:

    It is important to note that palm oil is the most efficient oilseed crop in the world, with an oil yield of about 4T/ha/year, whilst coconut oil (not virgin coconut oil) yields are 1.35T/ha/year. So if the world was to switch to coconut oil we would need to cultivate nearly 3 times more land to do so.

    1. It’s also important to note that research shows several key species including the orangutan will be extinct in 10-15 years. Slash and burn clearing is one of the biggest contributors to global Co2 and the economic impact contributed to the fires in Indonedia alone has been calculated at $47bn/year. How about we leave palm oil well enough alone, hrrmmmm?

  23. Eb says:

    So what the fuck do we do with a vag full of thrush then?
    Good on you for flicking the bird to the haters too. X

    1. You use a 3% H2O2 douche. Something doctors won’t tell you but sex workers know.
      http://drgadol.com/hydrogen-peroxide-h2o2-many-benefits/

  24. Tanya says:

    calling anything a “cunt” as to imply the negativity of said thing makes me and many intelligent women who actually own cunts to question your authority on pretty much anything.

    1. Shannon says:

      I also own a cunt. You’re free to be offended, and we can agree to disagree.

  25. Chihiro says:

    Love it!! This blog is so great! Thank you for taking the time to write it. Kisses

  26. Kat says:

    for a second there i absentmindedly hovered my mouse over ‘not a syphilitic cock’, apparently thinking it was a link. not sure why i wanted to see one.

  27. Shiv says:

    Wait, I missed something about rubbing it on titties… why are we doing that again?

  28. Bob says:

    It’s also THE BEST wank lube in the universe!

  29. Dartigen says:

    For cosmetic use, it absolutely MUST be patch-tested first. Nobody is completely sure why, but for some people, coconut oil severely aggravates acne or causes acne when they previously did not have it. (While most people will be fine with fractionated coconut oil, which is liquid at room temperature due to the removal of the long-chain fats, some people still experience acne while using fractioned coconut oil too.)

    But at least if you patch-test it you’ll only have like 1-2 gross zits to deal with.

  30. Dianne Kelly says:

    Shannon, you rock!!! Love this blog!!! It has everything; information, humour, inappropriate language; what more could anyone ask for??? Keep up the great work, and keep telling the haters to fuck off, if they’re offended why do they keep reading??
    Love you work!!!!

  31. Jason says:

    This only speaks of oral benefits. What about the topical benefits? Besides titty rubs

  32. Sharon Canning says:

    Informative stuff doll… really enjoyed reading it… the style is class and funny kept me reading and interested till the end… take no notice of the haters… keep doing what your doing they ate nothing but a bunch of scunts aka silly cunts 😆

  33. Terence says:

    I really don’t understand why people who get butthurt over rich descriptive language bother to castigate you, Shannon. I have a gut feel that you are not going to do a 180 and stop saying cunt because they assert that you should.

    1. Shannon says:

      What do they want? Shannon to stop swearing.
      When do they want it? CUNT.

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