Honey-balsamic salmon with wasabi broccolini


I love fish – those generous, slippery little punks offer us more than just jokes about rotten vaginas. They offer us a few nutrients that are as evasive and desired as a Hemsworth peen-glimpse: like Vitamin D, omega-3 fats and vitamin B12. And just like our Hemsworth friends, you know that salmon is packing some fucking awesome fats. I’m sure I don’t need to sell any health factoids about brocco-friggin-lini to you. I mean, it’s bloody green, so it has to be good. Those little dudes are packed with phytonutrients that help you kick oxidised cells right in their pendulous ballbags. I’m not one to ignore flavour, so broccolini gets the sassy touch up it sorely needs with wasabi. Skin on or off the salmon, you ask? Well, that’s a matter for personal opinion, like the age-old dilemma of ‘bugger it you’ve gone this far, just go for it’ versus ‘hell no, back out of it and get yourself to the nearest sink’ when encountering the aforementioned rotten vagina. Now, let’s cook.

Ingredients: for 2

The glaze: herein known as ‘the glaze’

– 1 teaspoon dijon mustard

– 2 tablespoons honey

– 1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar

– a wee knob of butter, melted (haha – wee knob)

– a tiny little handful of roasted macadmias, finely chopped

Dressing for the broccolini: herein known as ‘the dressing’

– 1/2 teaspoon wasabi paste (if you like more zing, then add more)

– 1/2 teaspoon maple syrup

– 1 teaspoon sesame oil

– 1 teaspoon balsamic vinegar

– 1 teaspoon tamari

The rest:

– 2 fillets of salmon

  • – a big-arse bunch of broccolini (enough for 2)

– fat/oil of your choice for stirfying the broccolini (I chose butter)

– 1 apple, cut it like this:


I’m just fucking with you. Cut him so he makes four nice little flat flat pieces (so you’ll have to either eat or toss the rounded ends), which you arrange lengthwise to make two little beds for the salmon, kind of like this:


Get it on:

– oven, get on the job mate, and get cracking at 200C, this is serious shit

– to make ‘the glaze’, start a party between the dijon mustard, honey and balsamic vinegar, and mix it up good

– to make ‘the dressing’, just stir all that shit together (the wasabi paste, maple syrup, sesame oil, balsamic vinegar and tamari)

– lay your apples out on a baking-paper covered tray, so that they make a suitable receptacle for the salmon. Then glaze those little fuckers with ‘the glaze’. Pop them in the oven for about 5 minutes, so they can get warmed up before the salmon comes in all macho and ready to go

– alright, get the apples out again, and re-coat them with ‘the glaze’. Now tell the salmon to go all missionary on that apple, get him right up on top. Brush those cheeky little fillets with the melted butter and then coat well with ‘the glaze’

– now sprinkle your crushed macadamias on top of the salmon, to give it the sort of crust you would see in excessively worn underpants

– cook for 18 minutes (give or take – if you like it a bit more/less pink then you take charge and get your pink levels right)

– when there is only a matter of minutes to go, heat up a frypan/wok on high heat

– stirfry your dear little broccolinis for a few minutes

– when it is time, get your bedded salmon out of the oven, but let him have a little rest there for a few minutes before banging him and his apple-bum on a plate. Anything that remains of ‘the glaze’, dribble onto the salmon

– now get your broccolini on the plate, and drizzle on ‘the dressing’. Make sure to get a few askew spots on the plate, so it looks MasterChef’ish

– you are done. Fucking easy!


It’s no Hemsworth peen, but it’s pretty fucking satisfying,

Shannon x

8 thoughts on “Honey-balsamic salmon with wasabi broccolini

  1. I wonder how many people will find this recipe by Googling “Hemsworth peen”? (No, I did not get here by Googling that, but I wouldn’t have been disappointed to see it either.) Come for the peen, stay for the salmon!

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