Let’s go crackers


The fear of healthifying a cracker, is the potential for flaccidity. Nobody wants to bite into a cracker that is as limp as a 20-beer dick. Nobody. My crackers are bloody brilliant – crunchy and healthy. They are made from flaxseeds. Fucking seeds, people. How good is that? They are full of omega-3 fatty acids and fibre, so both your heart and your arsehole will be having an excellent day. They have another nutritious ingredient, but it’s far less charming – it’s yeast. Yeast is a tough one to get excited about, really, given that it’s the stuff that can turn a perfectly lovely vagina into a stench-trench, or a delicately soft set of balls into an aged coin-purse that has been dipped in cheese-whizz and left in the sun. But the cheesifying powers of yeast aren’t just for evil – the nutritional variety adds a cheese-like flavour and a ka-boom hit of B vitamins. How grand! Flavour wise, these crackers are very plain – they are merely a munchable receptacle for tasty dips or cheeses (or foie gras for the soulless among us). So, if you demand flavour, take note of the optional additions and make it happen. Please note that after making these crackers, you should wash those dear little hands prior to fondling any genitals, and while I’m dishing out orders: choose a fucking sensible dip that won’t make a mockery of these healthy crackers.

Ingredients: makes a shitload of crackers

– 1 cup flaxseed meal

– 1/2 cup water

– 2 teaspoons of oil (I use macadamia or olive)

– 1 tablespoon nutritional yeast (also called ‘savoury yeast flakes’… how enticing!)

– a sprinkle of salt

– 1 tablespoon of sesame seeds to give them a jazzy and classy appearance (class is no doubt a high priority of yours if you are here at Shannon’s Kitchen)

– optional additions to add flavour: you could try garlic powder; or rosemary; or chilli; or lemon rind; or balsamic vinegar and rock salt; or for actual cheese flavour omit the oil and yeast and add in 1/3 cup grated parmesan; or whatever the fuck you like

Let’s get to the crunch:

– get the oven on 200C

– mix your bits in a bowl until it’s a consistent goo

– I’m not going to lie to you, this dough is a bit of a cunt to roll out. It sticks like shit to a blanket, so I recommend rolling it out between two layers of baking paper so you don’t end up suiciding mid-prep

– roll it thinner than Christian Bale circa ‘The Machinist’ (just a few millimeters thick – for those of you who aren’t working in the metric system, catch the fuck up)

– now, you want to cut that rolled out shit into some crackers, then lay them on a baking-paper-covered tray and bake those bad boys for about 8-10 minutes. They should look lightly golden brown and be super stiff to the touch. Hell yeah, I said super stiff

– when they’re out, give them a short spell on a rack to cool their jets, then dip the little dudes in a wad of your favourite dip, and crunch those healthy fuckers to your heart’s content


Seedily yours,

Shannon x

44 thoughts on “Let’s go crackers

  1. Woelfe

    Wow, these sound awesome! I’m new to following your naughty blog, and loving it. I hate to ask, but do you have a link to the nutrition stats? I’m one of those anal bastards counting all the bits in it, rather than just cramming my pie hole full of deliciousness. Thanks!

  2. Anne-Maree Northey

    HI Darling,

    I have signed up for this blog. Bit like “tennis is for cunts” but cooking style. Also this is a really good recipe for you to replace your vitawheats. Dont send it to people who are delicate though!

    Anne-Maree xxxx

  3. Anne-Maree Northey

    Hi Shannon,

    As you can see I am trying to share your great blog work. Sorry I meant this to go to my Darling at home. Enjoying your blog very much. Now to send the recipe to him indoors.

    Cheers Anne-Maree [?]

    On Mon, Feb 9, 2015 at 11:19 AM, Anne-Maree Northey wrote:

    > HI Darling, > > I have signed up for this blog. Bit like “tennis is for cunts” but cooking > style. Also this is a really good recipe for you to replace your > vitawheats. Dont send it to people who are delicate though! > > Anne-Maree xxxx > > On Thu, Feb 5, 2015 at 3:38 PM, Shannon’s Kitchen <

  4. Sometimes there is no one to blame but yourself, and the shitty whole flaxseeds you had in your pantry and your cheap big w food processor that couldn’t turn thelittle brown concrete resembling flaxseeds into meal. My crackers aren’t so crack-a-lacking, whole flaxseeds are staring up at me from the tray mocking me with trying to be self sufficient and using what was in my pantry and for benign cheap. Note to self, never buy flaxseeds whole again and roll these fuckers out even thinner next time you make then! I think I can feel the crackers laughing at me on their way down my oesophagus!

  5. Knuckles

    So after finding your funny as fuck blog, and reading this post first THE PHENOMENON OF TOSS-BAGGERY IN HEALTHY EATING: HOW TO SPOT A FOOD-DICKHEAD (not fucken yelling, just copy and pastied).
    So then I read this post about goddamn crackers…
    And you pictured them in a fucking jar, wtf? Could’ve put them in a manky old Tupperware container, like the majority of Ausides would!
    Your blog told me food dickheads use jars….(which I have known for a while now 😉)
    But I have always had jar issues, compacted now by the amount of public jar use, IN PUBLIC!
    I just want to smash them in the face with their own jars….

  6. WOW – Fisrt time visitor to your site. Made the crackers…too easy!!! Used LSA, mustard seeds & Cheese….no yeast…dont want my mimsy smelling like an old kipper. Love your writing style, followed you on facebook, cant wait to have time to explore your site further.

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