Shannon's Kitchen

healthy food. inappropriate language. zero fucks given.

letsgocrackersdirtycloseup

The fear of healthifying a cracker, is the potential for flaccidity. Nobody wants to bite into a cracker that is as limp as a 20-beer dick. Nobody. My crackers are bloody brilliant – crunchy and healthy. They are made from flaxseeds. Fucking seeds, people. How good is that? They are full of omega-3 fatty acids and fibre, so both your heart and your arsehole will be having an excellent day. They have another nutritious ingredient, but it’s far less charming – it’s yeast. Yeast is a tough one to get excited about, really, given that it’s the stuff that can turn a perfectly lovely vagina into a stench-trench, or a delicately soft set of balls into an aged coin-purse that has been dipped in cheese-whizz and left in the sun. But the cheesifying powers of yeast aren’t just for evil – the nutritional variety adds a cheese-like flavour and a ka-boom hit of B vitamins. How grand! Flavour wise, these crackers are very plain – they are merely a munchable receptacle for tasty dips or cheeses (or foie gras for the soulless among us). So, if you demand flavour, take note of the optional additions and make it happen. Please note that after making these crackers, you should wash those dear little hands prior to fondling any genitals, and while I’m dishing out orders: choose a fucking sensible dip that won’t make a mockery of these healthy crackers.


Ingredients: makes a shitload of crackers

– 1 cup flaxseed meal

– 1/2 cup water

– 2 teaspoons of oil (I use macadamia or olive)

– 1 tablespoon nutritional yeast (also called ‘savoury yeast flakes’… how enticing!)

– a sprinkle of salt

– 1 tablespoon of sesame seeds to give them a jazzy and classy appearance (class is no doubt a high priority of yours if you are here at Shannon’s Kitchen)

– optional additions to add flavour: you could try garlic powder; or rosemary; or chilli; or lemon rind; or balsamic vinegar and rock salt; or for actual cheese flavour omit the oil and yeast and add in 1/3 cup grated parmesan; or whatever the fuck you like


Let’s get to the crunch:

– get the oven on 200C

– mix your bits in a bowl until it’s a consistent goo

– I’m not going to lie to you, this dough is a bit of a cunt to roll out. It sticks like shit to a blanket, so I recommend rolling it out between two layers of baking paper so you don’t end up suiciding mid-prep

– roll it thinner than Christian Bale circa ‘The Machinist’ (just a few millimeters thick – for those of you who aren’t working in the metric system, catch the fuck up)

– now, you want to cut that rolled out shit into some crackers, then lay them on a baking-paper-covered tray and bake those bad boys for about 8-10 minutes. They should look lightly golden brown and be super stiff to the touch. Hell yeah, I said super stiff

– when they’re out, give them a short spell on a rack to cool their jets, then dip the little dudes in a wad of your favourite dip, and crunch those healthy fuckers to your heart’s content


letsgocrackersmate

Seedily yours,

Shannon x

42 thoughts on “Let’s go crackers

  1. Bec Cavalôt says:

    I love the thought of my heart AND arsehole having an excellent day. That’s a truly rare and special kind of day. Great post Shannon.

  2. Kristina McGeehan-Hall says:

    Classic!

  3. Shan says:

    A true wordsmith. I’d totally ale these except I hate bitch-arse dough and that’s what that sounds like. I don’t need to be having a rage blackout in the kitchen when all I want is a vehicle for getting that fois gras in my gob. I’ll just use my finger.

    1. Shannon says:

      Haha! If you use the baking paper sandwich system, then no rage will occur.
      Use two fingers you frigid fuck.
      Heart you x

  4. Rachael says:

    Going to try this weekend – what do think the shelf life is like – not that I think that they will last long if they taste as good as they look 🙂

    1. Shannon says:

      I have kept them in an air-tight container for over a week and no loss of crunch 😉
      Enjoy! x

  5. JB says:

    Awesome. I’ve just been googling bullshit paleo thermomix crackers. Of course I’m going to make them with LSA instead of flaxseed and totally blame you when they don’t work out. Cheers!

    1. Shannon says:

      Haha! And when you do I will cyber-punch you in the larynx 🙂

  6. excited to give these a go! thanks for the recipe! i will report back!

  7. Natalie says:

    I believe I love you. Firstly, you speak my language. You blew me away with your article on coconut oil. You are one of a kind my friend. Fuck yeah. Secondly, you have managed to inspire this flatulent lay-about to walk, as opposed to dragging her knuckles, to the kitchen and actually cook! You will never truly understand the level of difficulty of such a behemoth achievement. So I’m off to get seedy in the kitchen. Well done you inspirational beautiful bad ass xx

    1. Shannon says:

      What a delightful comment 😀 Cook on, my homie! COOK ON!
      xxx

  8. Cindy says:

    Haha! Do you eat with that mouth! Funniest heathy food bog I’ve ever seen! So glad I got a share! Been looking for some crackers. I lost mine some time ago. Thanks for the recipe and the laugh!

    1. Shannon says:

      😀
      Yep, and I even kiss my pretend-Grandma with this mouth.

  9. Fleur Hutchison says:

    i’m technically a writer by trade but you my friend. you are a brilliant comedic writer. my husband just asked me what foodstuffs he could make his sister for her upcoming bday and THIS popped into my inbox. So that was handy!! stay classy guttersnipe!

    Fleur & Pete Dow Fleur Mobile: 0416 442 997 Pete Mobile: 0400 176 007 Pete Work: (03) 97396077 Joint Email: peterfleur1@bigpond.com Pete Work Email: dow@bearingwholesalers.com.au

    1. Shannon says:

      Heart you, Fleurby! xoxo

  10. Nigel says:

    Shannon, you rock – if you were a man (and I was a woman) I would want to have your babies.

    1. Shannon says:

      I’m sure I can strap something on to make at least half of your dream come true ❤

  11. Holly says:

    This is my favourite food blog. Ever. Making health food rock ‘n’ roll and making me scream with laughter. My kids are wondering what I’m laughing at. “Crackers, dear. Just crackers.”

    1. Shannon says:

      Haha! Hooray for Holly! x

  12. Three Letter Acronym says:

    yes yes yes this is all well and good but what the fuck is the difference between nutritional yeast and the yeast I use to make bread and the Brewers yeast I use to make breastfeeding cookies? Could I use Brewers yeast here and have bonus scads of boobjuice to give my kid along with their usual foie gras??

    1. Shannon says:

      There are some differences between the yeasts! Nutritional yeast is less bitter than brewers yeast, and has more B vitamins. But maybe give your titties a boost and give these crackers a go with the brewers yeast and see what happens?!
      Here’s a link with more info: http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-the-difference-between-nutritional-yeast-and-brewers-yeast.htm

      1. Three Letter Acronym says:

        Nice one!

  13. universecentre says:

    Flaps seeds and sesame seeds are 2 favorites but I have never seen or tried this combo in this type of cracker! I feel with our hearts and arse holes being treated my last comment of as refreshing as “an alcohol wipe on my bumhole without the sting” might have inspired you but this really does look like a seedy colonic without the analysis intrusion! Thanks genital linguistic health guru.

  14. Carla says:

    So the flax seed are whole or ground?

    Really enjoying your blog.

    1. Shannon says:

      Ground 🙂
      (Flaxseed meal)

  15. Oh my! I think I love you, and your filthy, yet informative mouth! I have come away from this post with an arsenal (not to be confused with arsehole) of new phrases like, “sticks like shit to a blanket”. And I love a woman who can use the word cunt.
    You are my new hero…

  16. Jess says:

    Is it 200 F or C? Thanks for the great idea!

  17. Shazzer B says:

    Gunna slip me something a tad naughty in mine… ;-)) xx

  18. Elizabeth Liptak says:

    Dang girl! Virgin fan here, compliments of Robb Wolf. You may now claim ownership of my mind, heart, stomach and funny bone. My arsehole belongs to Jim. Can’t wait for more…best, Lizzie

  19. could not read this without going red in the face. In a good way…I almost forgot about the crackers…
    Love your work Shannon.
    Ax

  20. Amy St Lawrence says:

    Here’s the latest post from that sassy woman. Don’t short change yourself on the baking instructions. They are just as vulgar.

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

  21. Amy St Lawrence says:

    Haha. That was not meant for you. Passing your witty posts on for others to enjoy

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

  22. Woelfe says:

    Wow, these sound awesome! I’m new to following your naughty blog, and loving it. I hate to ask, but do you have a link to the nutrition stats? I’m one of those anal bastards counting all the bits in it, rather than just cramming my pie hole full of deliciousness. Thanks!

    1. Shannon says:

      I’m afraid I have not calculated the nutritional values of my recipes.
      Just move over to the dark side and cram it on in! 😉

  23. Anne-Maree Northey says:

    HI Darling,

    I have signed up for this blog. Bit like “tennis is for cunts” but cooking style. Also this is a really good recipe for you to replace your vitawheats. Dont send it to people who are delicate though!

    Anne-Maree xxxx

  24. Anne-Maree Northey says:

    Hi Shannon,

    As you can see I am trying to share your great blog work. Sorry I meant this to go to my Darling at home. Enjoying your blog very much. Now to send the recipe to him indoors.

    Cheers Anne-Maree [?]

    On Mon, Feb 9, 2015 at 11:19 AM, Anne-Maree Northey wrote:

    > HI Darling, > > I have signed up for this blog. Bit like “tennis is for cunts” but cooking > style. Also this is a really good recipe for you to replace your > vitawheats. Dont send it to people who are delicate though! > > Anne-Maree xxxx > > On Thu, Feb 5, 2015 at 3:38 PM, Shannon’s Kitchen <

    1. Shannon says:

      Haha! Gave me a good chuckle, and wise advice to not forward it to any delicate souls 😉
      Chuffed you’re enjoying Shannon’s Kitchen x

  25. Sometimes there is no one to blame but yourself, and the shitty whole flaxseeds you had in your pantry and your cheap big w food processor that couldn’t turn thelittle brown concrete resembling flaxseeds into meal. My crackers aren’t so crack-a-lacking, whole flaxseeds are staring up at me from the tray mocking me with trying to be self sufficient and using what was in my pantry and for benign cheap. Note to self, never buy flaxseeds whole again and roll these fuckers out even thinner next time you make then! I think I can feel the crackers laughing at me on their way down my oesophagus!

    1. Shannon says:

      Oh, good Lord.
      Wake up to your bloody self, Lauren!

  26. Knuckles says:

    So after finding your funny as fuck blog, and reading this post first THE PHENOMENON OF TOSS-BAGGERY IN HEALTHY EATING: HOW TO SPOT A FOOD-DICKHEAD (not fucken yelling, just copy and pastied).
    So then I read this post about goddamn crackers…
    And you pictured them in a fucking jar, wtf? Could’ve put them in a manky old Tupperware container, like the majority of Ausides would!
    Your blog told me food dickheads use jars….(which I have known for a while now 😉)
    But I have always had jar issues, compacted now by the amount of public jar use, IN PUBLIC!
    I just want to smash them in the face with their own jars….

    1. Shannon says:

      Stop yelling.
      Biscuits can go in a jar, ya dickhead.

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