The fear of healthifying a cracker, is the potential for flaccidity. Nobody wants to bite into a cracker that is as limp as a 20-beer dick. Nobody. My crackers are bloody brilliant – crunchy and healthy. They are made from flaxseeds. Fucking seeds, people. How good is that? They are full of omega-3 fatty acids and fibre, so both your heart and your arsehole will be having an excellent day. They have another nutritious ingredient, but it’s far less charming – it’s yeast. Yeast is a tough one to get excited about, really, given that it’s the stuff that can turn a perfectly lovely vagina into a stench-trench, or a delicately soft set of balls into an aged coin-purse that has been dipped in cheese-whizz and left in the sun. But the cheesifying powers of yeast aren’t just for evil – the nutritional variety adds a cheese-like flavour and a ka-boom hit of B vitamins. How grand! Flavour wise, these crackers are very plain – they are merely a munchable receptacle for tasty dips or cheeses (or foie gras for the soulless among us). So, if you demand flavour, take note of the optional additions and make it happen. Please note that after making these crackers, you should wash those dear little hands prior to fondling any genitals, and while I’m dishing out orders: choose a fucking sensible dip that won’t make a mockery of these healthy crackers.

Ingredients: makes a shitload of crackers

– 1 cup flaxseed meal

– 1/2 cup water

– 2 teaspoons of oil (I use macadamia or olive)

– 1 tablespoon nutritional yeast (also called ‘savoury yeast flakes’… how enticing!)

– a sprinkle of salt

– 1 tablespoon of sesame seeds to give them a jazzy and classy appearance (class is no doubt a high priority of yours if you are here at Shannon’s Kitchen)

– optional additions to add flavour: you could try garlic powder; or rosemary; or chilli; or lemon rind; or balsamic vinegar and rock salt; or for actual cheese flavour omit the oil and yeast and add in 1/3 cup grated parmesan; or whatever the fuck you like

Let’s get to the crunch:

– get the oven on 200C

– mix your bits in a bowl until it’s a consistent goo

– I’m not going to lie to you, this dough is a bit of a cunt to roll out. It sticks like shit to a blanket, so I recommend rolling it out between two layers of baking paper so you don’t end up suiciding mid-prep

– roll it thinner than Christian Bale circa ‘The Machinist’ (just a few millimeters thick – for those of you who aren’t working in the metric system, catch the fuck up)

– now, you want to cut that rolled out shit into some crackers, then lay them on a baking-paper-covered tray and bake those bad boys for about 8-10 minutes. They should look lightly golden brown and be super stiff to the touch. Hell yeah, I said super stiff

– when they’re out, give them a short spell on a rack to cool their jets, then dip the little dudes in a wad of your favourite dip, and crunch those healthy fuckers to your heart’s content

Seedily yours,

Shannon x