Let’s go crackers


The fear of healthifying a cracker, is the potential for flaccidity. Nobody wants to bite into a cracker that is as limp as a 20-beer dick. Nobody. My crackers are bloody brilliant – crunchy and healthy. They are made from flaxseeds. Fucking seeds, people. How good is that? They are full of omega-3 fatty acids and fibre, so both your heart and your arsehole will be having an excellent day. They have another nutritious ingredient, but it’s far less charming – it’s yeast. Yeast is a tough one to get excited about, really, given that it’s the stuff that can turn a perfectly lovely vagina into a stench-trench, or a delicately soft set of balls into an aged coin-purse that has been dipped in cheese-whizz and left in the sun. But the cheesifying powers of yeast aren’t just for evil – the nutritional variety adds a cheese-like flavour and a ka-boom hit of B vitamins. How grand! Flavour wise, these crackers are very plain – they are merely a munchable receptacle for tasty dips or cheeses (or foie gras for the soulless among us). So, if you demand flavour, take note of the optional additions and make it happen. Please note that after making these crackers, you should wash those dear little hands prior to fondling any genitals, and while I’m dishing out orders: choose a fucking sensible dip that won’t make a mockery of these healthy crackers.

Ingredients: makes a shitload of crackers

– 1 cup flaxseed meal

– 1/2 cup water

– 2 teaspoons of oil (I use macadamia or olive)

– 1 tablespoon nutritional yeast (also called ‘savoury yeast flakes’… how enticing!)

– a sprinkle of salt

– 1 tablespoon of sesame seeds to give them a jazzy and classy appearance (class is no doubt a high priority of yours if you are here at Shannon’s Kitchen)

– optional additions to add flavour: you could try garlic powder; or rosemary; or chilli; or lemon rind; or balsamic vinegar and rock salt; or for actual cheese flavour omit the oil and yeast and add in 1/3 cup grated parmesan; or whatever the fuck you like

Let’s get to the crunch:

– get the oven on 200C

– mix your bits in a bowl until it’s a consistent goo

– I’m not going to lie to you, this dough is a bit of a cunt to roll out. It sticks like shit to a blanket, so I recommend rolling it out between two layers of baking paper so you don’t end up suiciding mid-prep

– roll it thinner than Christian Bale circa ‘The Machinist’ (just a few millimeters thick – for those of you who aren’t working in the metric system, catch the fuck up)

– now, you want to cut that rolled out shit into some crackers, then lay them on a baking-paper-covered tray and bake those bad boys for about 8-10 minutes. They should look lightly golden brown and be super stiff to the touch. Hell yeah, I said super stiff

– when they’re out, give them a short spell on a rack to cool their jets, then dip the little dudes in a wad of your favourite dip, and crunch those healthy fuckers to your heart’s content


Seedily yours,

Shannon x

44 thoughts on “Let’s go crackers

  1. This is my favourite food blog. Ever. Making health food rock ‘n’ roll and making me scream with laughter. My kids are wondering what I’m laughing at. “Crackers, dear. Just crackers.”

  2. Three Letter Acronym

    yes yes yes this is all well and good but what the fuck is the difference between nutritional yeast and the yeast I use to make bread and the Brewers yeast I use to make breastfeeding cookies? Could I use Brewers yeast here and have bonus scads of boobjuice to give my kid along with their usual foie gras??

  3. universecentre

    Flaps seeds and sesame seeds are 2 favorites but I have never seen or tried this combo in this type of cracker! I feel with our hearts and arse holes being treated my last comment of as refreshing as “an alcohol wipe on my bumhole without the sting” might have inspired you but this really does look like a seedy colonic without the analysis intrusion! Thanks genital linguistic health guru.

  4. Oh my! I think I love you, and your filthy, yet informative mouth! I have come away from this post with an arsenal (not to be confused with arsehole) of new phrases like, “sticks like shit to a blanket”. And I love a woman who can use the word cunt.
    You are my new hero…

  5. Elizabeth Liptak

    Dang girl! Virgin fan here, compliments of Robb Wolf. You may now claim ownership of my mind, heart, stomach and funny bone. My arsehole belongs to Jim. Can’t wait for more…best, Lizzie

  6. Amy St Lawrence

    Here’s the latest post from that sassy woman. Don’t short change yourself on the baking instructions. They are just as vulgar.

    Sent from my iPhone


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