Shannon's Kitchen

healthy food. inappropriate language. zero fucks given.

NoFoodDickheads

There is some wanky elitism entrenched in healthy eating, and there are more than a few rascals overdoing it on the Internet-Machine. I refer to such toss-bags as “The Kanyes of Healthy Eating”. They have very fixed ideas and are not shy about sharing them: they are friggin’ roosters. Sometimes they are dickheads.


THESE FOOD-DICKHEADS CAN BE RECOGNISED BY THE FOLLOWING RED FLAGS:


– They will regularly feature obnoxious images of themselves looking as hot as fuck. Taunting you. How does get rooted sound, mate? Unless you’re hiding an enema kit and a gram of cocaine in your swimsuit, fuck off out of my Instagram feed, because you’re not going to help me get a flat tummy overnight.

– They don’t seem to grasp that most individuals do not have the time or inclination to dedicate a gargantuan portion of their existence to food preparation. Some people just want to eat a quick, healthy meal and then go pull their dick.

– They ignore the spirit of debate and delete questioning comments. “Your diet can cure autism? Can you explain the mechanism behind this?” DELETED. That’s shithouse.

– They rooster incorrect factoids and disseminate general bullshit. Like the overstatement that “anything you don’t recognise on a food label is bad”. Let’s consider this simple example: ascorbic acid. Ascorbic fucking acid in my food? Yes, mate. Ascorbic acid is nerd-speak for Vitamin C, and it’s fine to eat it. Scientists don’t give things cute, friendly fucking names. They’re jerks like that. But they’re probably smart enough to kill us all, so let’s just leave them be.

– A food-dickhead’s page may be dotted with positive life affirmations that just make regular people want to punch them in their nasolabial folds and/or genitals.

– They don’t seem to realise that normal people don’t drink friggin’ smoothies/juices/any-fucking-beverage out of fucking jars. Normal people use cups like normal fucking people. Those jars are inappropriate receptacles for beverages. They need to stop it.


SO, HOW DO WE IMMUNISE OURSELVES AGAINST THESE TOSS-BAGS? EASY:


– Remember that variety is the key. This concept doesn’t work as well for your sexual health as it could result in your dick falling off or your vagina becoming a cesspool of viral plague.

– Offer to remove the kale that is stuck in their teeth with your fists.

– Remember that everyone is different and different bodies thrive on different foods. Identify your own health needs. Find your sweet spot where your bodies and your tongues are fucking rejoicing. When you find it, be shameless and hold it tighter than a diarrhoea-filled rectum.

– Acknowledge that your body may be a temple, but sometimes it just wants to be Hooters.

Eat healthy shit but don’t be wankers about it.


Yours in health and friggin’ awesomeness,

Shannon x

72 thoughts on “The phenomenon of toss-baggery in healthy eating: how to spot a food-dickhead

  1. Sally says:

    Excellent advice Shannon, put so eloquently! I am pretty open to following ‘food dickheads’ on the internet simply to pinch their good recipes (which I am very grateful for, I pinch yours too) but the many healthy pics of them going about their daily life with hair and makeup done are a red flag for me too! When I’m making breakfast I’m in my pyjamas with leaked breastmilk stains on my tshirt, half my hair clinging onto the elastic and half hanging down and sleep in my eyes… it’s hard for me to relate to them!

    1. Blow me, you idiot. says:

      You’re kidding right? If not, who do you work for? Monsanto? I drink my smoothies out of wine glasses, kale doesn’t stick in my teeth, nor do I eat food produced for profit.

      1. Shannon says:

        Hahaha! Settle down, turbo. It’s a food blog for FUN. The post makes light of people taking themselves and their healthy eating too seriously, and pretentiously pushing it on others.
        Seems like I hit a nerve. Sorry about that 😉

  2. Beck says:

    Thank you yet again, Shannon. Smoothies in jars annoy the fuck out of me, especially if they are overflowing. Don’t even get me started on the Paleo thing. Xb

    1. Shannon says:

      The overflowing smoothies!! How is that acceptable in real life to have oozing fruit on your paws?

  3. melissa manning says:

    As a new subscriber to your blog and emails, can I just say I am LOVING every bit of it! Thank you for sharing your ingenuity and hilariousness with us……you’re putting smiles of the faces of many people (particularly mine and the other Mumma’s I’ve recently shared you with!!

    Big smooch Mel x

    1. Shannon says:

      HOORAY FOR MEL! XXX

  4. Christine says:

    “normal people don’t drink friggin’ smoothies/juices/any-fucking-beverage out of fucking jars” – I hear ya!! what’s with all the jars? !!! ‘Tu meke’ we say in NZ.

  5. jocollins360 says:

    OMG, I love you!! In the most inoffensive way, of course. But if you’re ever in Santa Rosa, California, USA, I’d like to buy you a drink, because carcinogens or some such shit.

    1. Shannon says:

      Haha! If I hit California I’ll be looking you up, partner.

  6. Shan says:

    And seriously, don’t be a hipster healthy jerk and make ALL your recipes with fricken ingredients as obscure as unicorn dust that cost $789/kg. Gweneth Paltrow I’m looking at you.

  7. ha! good shit!!!!
    THE FUCKING JARS!!!! salads in jars!!! smoothies in jars!! overnight oatmeal in jars!!!! crafts made out of jars!!!!! fucking stop with the fucking jars already!!!! seriously i’ve been bitching about that jar shit for a few years. what the fuck is up with hillbilly chic. lost on me apparently.

    1. Sally says:

      The positive life affirmations drive me fucking crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Pleaaaaase Stooopppppppp!

      1. Shannon says:

        Hahaha!
        “I KNOW the power is within me you silly cunt, but so is the power to drink a litre of wine, so back the fuck off with your positive affirmations.”

    2. Shannon says:

      It’s just not ok, Tracie. It’s not ok.

  8. Nigel says:

    Where I come from (Liverpool, UK), “I’m goin out for a few jars luv” has an entirely different meaning..

    1. Shannon says:

      Haha! As it should.
      Where I come from, having a few jars means sinking piss as well, not sucking down an overflowing spinach smoothie.

  9. Ba ha ha ha, I near spat my wine out in laughter; it cost too much and I hate wastage, so I didn’t

  10. pennilamprey says:

    Ba ha ha ha, I nearly spat my wine out in laughter; it’s expensive and I hate wastage, so I didn’t.

  11. marniejn says:

    I fucking love you Shannon. Awesome yo.

  12. Asia says:

    God Damn I needed that this morning. You refreshingly blunt and honest bitch!

  13. anita says:

    I LOVE YOUR STRAIGHT UP ROWDY COMMON SENSE. keeping it real.

  14. Holli says:

    I think we could be best friends. sarcasm and cuss words seem to piss most people I know off, but you get it.

  15. Juha says:

    The Jars, yup I have them… in my fridge. You do not eat or drink from a feckin jar. simples. This really made my evening, Thanks Shannon

  16. Rachel says:

    the jars!!!!! Maybe you could whip up a few smoothies and chuck them in stupid receptacles. Something organic…a hollowed out rock…

  17. Little N says:

    I love you Shannon! Finally someone that swears like me!! Awesome post xxx

  18. louisawellness says:

    This is hilarious! In fact last night I stayed up way too late with tears of laughter streaming down my face as I read through your blog. The fact is I am one of these food dickheads, drinking out of jars, getting kale stuck on my teeth and posting life affirmations. Love laughing at myself though, and have shared your page with my readers because it is just too good not to share.

    1. Shannon says:

      You’re a bloody champion, Louisa 🙂

  19. lybliss says:

    Having just bunny-hopped here from a blog post from some chick feeling victorious because she convinced her 3 yr old to drink a cocoa smoothie made mostly of cauliflower and avocado with some stevia thrown in for shits and giggles , I know who makes more sense. And seems more fun and balanced . . And isn’t totally bat shit crazy hell bent on providing her kid with enough psychologist fodder for the next 20 years

  20. If you don’t recognise the ingredient don’t eat it. That’s such a stupid fucking statement. In skin care, Tocopherol always gets me going too. It’s Vitamin E. ‘Avoid all number’ haha. Again, uneducated ranters handing out totally shitful advice. And my favourite, phenxyethanol is poison. At 1% or less, especially in a wash off, it’s fine for most people. Like you said, if you want to avoid it, fine, but don’t be a scaremongering tosser about it. L O V E your work !!!!

  21. Liz says:

    love it, shannon. sometimes my body DOES just want to be hooters. and we shouldn’t feel bad about that. also, fuck hipsters and their jar drinks.

  22. Yvonne says:

    LOL I use a jar to eat my oatmeal out of LOLOLOL!!! Can I still be in the club?

    1. Shannon says:

      Oh dear, Yvonne. You’re making this difficult..
      😉

  23. Nina says:

    Yeah bitches!

  24. thesuperjason says:

    +1 fucking million.

    Another red flag: abuse of the term “super food”.

    Coconut water is no more a super food that potatoes are.

    Cunts.

  25. thesuperjason says:

    +1 fucking million.

    Another red flag: abuse of the term “super food”.

    Coconut water is no more a super food that potatoes are.

    Cunts.

  26. Lauren @ The Thud says:

    Fuck me I hate people who act like they’re nutritionists or something because they’ve spent an hour or two on Google. Like, ‘I’m not going to ever feed my child sugar because it will change his brain DNA and if you give your child a biscuit you have damned him to a lifetime of obesity, diabetes, autism and rage issues”.
    Fuck off you miserable, hungry food nazi.

  27. mscate says:

    this made me laugh as I drink my evening gin, I did a related post that you might enjoy about food trends? Bloody green smoothies in jars… http://atravellingcook.blogspot.com/2015/02/6-food-trends-i-am-completely-over-and.html

  28. Kirsty Rice says:

    Does this mean I don’t have to sculpture my kids organic, hand harvested strawberries for after school snack?

  29. Emma says:

    Lycra, fucking Mason Jars and Nutri-Bullets. Send them all over a cliff.
    (Actually, keep the Nutri-Bullet -it’ll make food that I can’t be bothered to chew with my own human teeth easier to eat…)

  30. Toni says:

    I have stopped following Pinterest due to the high levels of mother guilt I experienced. My drinks were not in jars, my sandwiches were not shaped into characters, my lunchbox treats were often not lovingly handmade. There were no handwritten notes with tender phrases. If you want me to write a note to my kids at 8 am, it better not be anywhere a teacher might see it.

    1. Shannon says:

      HAHAHAHAHA!! Awesome. I read your comment aloud to my husband it was so good ❤

  31. well you have just called me out big time, Im forever getting told i have something green in my teeth only to haughtily tell people it must be from my green juice, which i of course drink out of a jar…because i am a massive food dickhead! I just showed my husband and we have not stopped taking the piss out of me for about 20 mins, i well and truly deserve it…your blog is absolute GOLD, more fucking gold than unicorn dust from Gweneth Paltrows smoothies!

    1. Shannon says:

      Fiona, you made me laugh SO loud. You’re a legend xx

  32. Jana says:

    Can we add the gluten-free asshats too??? Unless you have bloody fucking Celiac’s could you please jump off the trend train and go fuck yourself? I love your blog!

  33. Janine says:

    Thank god someone has said it. Jars are not for drinking out of! I will not drink out of a jar for anyone. And yes the foodie wankers and just that, wankers.

  34. Dorothy says:

    Geez ! You are kidding right – what’s with all the hate?!
    If you going to bitch about things at least know what the hell you are talking about or are you just an ignorant whinging jealous bitch that can’t commit? How about raiding fat assed stay at home mums that spend their whole day in front of the tv and then feeling sorry for having nothing and that the whole house is a mess and then they have a look at Pinterest or Facebook and then need to blame someone for being fat losers? No guess not.
    Here is some real info on CITRIC ACID – but please eat as much as you can of it – maybe then you’ll get that it is quite shit to eat and your kids will go stupid.
    http://ethicalfoods.com/citric-acid/

    1. Shannon says:

      Good heavens, Dorothy, there must be a twister coming because your knickers are in quite a bunch. I am not jealous, ignorant, nor whinging. I am merely poking fun at those healthy eaters who take themselves far too seriously or disseminate information which has no scientific backing.
      I suggest you go and eat a Mars Bar, Dorothy, because this healthy food commitment you have made is making you bloody mean!
      P.S. Ascorbic acid and citric acid are different substances.

    2. Oh my, not CITRIC ACID?!?!?!

      Uh, you better kill all the cells in your body then. They are all constantly producing citric acid. In fact, without the Citric Acid Cycle and subsequent Electron Transport Chain, you could only produce 6 % of the ATP that you currently produce. So, no citric acid would mean a swift death, as your cells would lack the energy they need to survive.

      Perhaps you should invest in physiology, chemistry, and biology textbooks so that you can learn what you are talking about. Chemicals are not your enemy; they are the basis of everything that exists (except, of course, pure energy such as photons).

      1. Shannon says:

        Heavens above, Dorothy, I think you just got SCHOOLED! Jolly good show.

  35. Kate says:

    YES! Never have I heard of a more “real” or gross healthy eating mantra.

    Love it

    1. Shannon says:

      Ha! Excellent summary. See you at the bowls club! 😉

  36. Jennifer says:

    I love this article and so wish I could send it to my mother in law who just started a 10 day juice cleanse. She’s pretty much done everything in your article. Thank God she lives far, far away from me and my kids.

    1. Shannon says:

      Hahaha!This made me laugh 😀

  37. Penny says:

    I think I’m in love with you. Ramblings from an overweight, middle aged pisshead:
    It’s not enough to merely like cooking and enjoy food, if some of that shit could be described as such, ever since Pete “my food cures autism” Evans and his ilk pranced across our screens and pages, self respecting “foodies” need to be “passionate” about “sourcing” fresh seasonal produce from farmers markets and locally grown sources. Pasteur to plate, heirloom, organic, free range and single origin, the nouvelle lingo that accompanies this cuisine is as obscure and nauseating as some of the ingredients. If you can afford it, you probably don’t have time, if have time, you probably can’t afford it unless you’re married to a merchant banker – yes that’s rhyming slang – and cleanse the conscience with quinoa.
    All teeth and smiles Bill Granger didn’t invent the omelette – my Nana did. It was a delicious, decadent affair that used up the egg yolks that the pavlova didn’t need, served with her famous “Nana B’s Chow Mein” and was created in a plastic bowl that was not pastel pink or from anyone’s “range”, and when she poured oil into the bowl, it was not from 3 feet in the air while waxing lyrical about amusing culinary mishaps at dinner parties. Pepper was (not the name of a child) but something shaken out of a souvenir Big Pineapple shaped shaker on the table and not a grinder the size of an ogre’s dick.

    1. Shannon says:

      Hahahahahaha!! Penny, your ramblings have delighted me!

  38. Pickle me this! says:

    You know what though? I actually make pickles and jelly and shit in my jars. And hot fudge. My pickles, I am told, are the shit.
    Hangs head- and I kinda make soba noodles and put them in jars, because if I slurp this shit out of glass with chopsticks I can almost close my eyes and pretend I am not sucking a pile of carbs marinated in, essentially, MSG juice, in my sad cubicle.
    I do not, however, drink anything- smoothie or otherwise, out of jars. They will NOT fit in my cupholder. 🙂

    1. Shannon says:

      Jars are perfectly acceptable for things that need fucking lids, so don’t you feel ashamed, my dear!

      Now I want fucking hot fudge. I hope you’re happy with yourself!
      xx

  39. Thanks Shannon an awesome start to the day and while your at it can you blog about those Hipster fucs who seem to have monopolised the cafe scene and ooozz food snobbery /pretension. A neck tattoo and bogan beard giveth not the right to know about all shit, amen

  40. Bec says:

    you are quite possibly my favourite human!

  41. anon says:

    I don’t blog which is why I’m really glad that someone out there has taken the words straight from my mouth. Thank you, Shannon, for this great article which made my day! Nothing grinds my gears more than going on social media apps such as Instagram and seeing pictures of food that looks like a dirty nappy or simply overly complex dishes, along with my most favourite hashtags like #cleaneating and #carbthefuckup. Seriously. It’s OK if you put up photos of delicious looking food with recipes etc. but as soon as I see the myriad of ridiculous hashtags and labeled with #whatveganseat #hclf or #rawtill4 my blood instantly boils and hate consumes every fibre of my being. I’ve only recently heard about this thing that vegans do called “going to banana island” – essentially eating 30 bananas a day for a whole month. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE. I’m not targeting people with actual intolerances here. Eat sensibly and exercise regularly. I’m not a fucking doctor but haven’t you heard the simple principle of too much of anything is a bad thing?

    1. god i laughed at your comment!!! those fucking hashtags!!! that shit spins me right out! STOP IT!

      i heard about ”banana island” last year. a friend of a friend was doing that.
      i couldn’t be friends with someone who would buy into such stupid shit.
      i have no idea where that even started but they need a dick punch.

  42. prairienymph says:

    Oh man! I drink out of little jam jars. Mostly because I’m cheap and don’t want to buy actual cups. But now I know this makes me a food douche! I can hold my head up high when other people are condescendingly talking about fancy ingredients that I don’t recognize and couldn’t afford because I am just like them! oh wait…

    1. Shannon says:

      haha! drinking out of jars because you don’t actually own cups excludes you from being a food-dickhead. It’s only douchebaggish if you select a jar when there is a perfectly good cup right bloody there.

  43. You are my hero. Now there are even lawsuits between the jar people. So fucking ridiculous. PS I love your blog!

    1. Shannon says:

      Haha! There are just too many silly sausages in this world.
      Thanks Michele – pumped you’re digging Shannon’s Kitchen 😀 x

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