The phenomenon of toss-baggery in healthy eating: how to spot a food-dickhead

NoFoodDickheads

There is some wanky elitism entrenched in healthy eating, and there are more than a few rascals overdoing it on the Internet-Machine. I refer to such toss-bags as “The Kanyes of Healthy Eating”. They have very fixed ideas and are not shy about sharing them: they are friggin’ roosters. Sometimes they are dickheads.


THESE FOOD-DICKHEADS CAN BE RECOGNISED BY THE FOLLOWING RED FLAGS:


– They will regularly feature obnoxious images of themselves looking as hot as fuck. Taunting you. How does get rooted sound, mate? Unless you’re hiding an enema kit and a gram of cocaine in your swimsuit, fuck off out of my Instagram feed, because you’re not going to help me get a flat tummy overnight.

– They don’t seem to grasp that most individuals do not have the time or inclination to dedicate a gargantuan portion of their existence to food preparation. Some people just want to eat a quick, healthy meal and then go pull their dick.

– They ignore the spirit of debate and delete questioning comments. “Your diet can cure autism? Can you explain the mechanism behind this?” DELETED. That’s shithouse.

– They rooster incorrect factoids and disseminate general bullshit. Like the overstatement that “anything you don’t recognise on a food label is bad”. Let’s consider this simple example: ascorbic acid. Ascorbic fucking acid in my food? Yes, mate. Ascorbic acid is nerd-speak for Vitamin C, and it’s fine to eat it. Scientists don’t give things cute, friendly fucking names. They’re jerks like that. But they’re probably smart enough to kill us all, so let’s just leave them be.

– A food-dickhead’s page may be dotted with positive life affirmations that just make regular people want to punch them in their nasolabial folds and/or genitals.

– They don’t seem to realise that normal people don’t drink friggin’ smoothies/juices/any-fucking-beverage out of fucking jars. Normal people use cups like normal fucking people. Those jars are inappropriate receptacles for beverages. They need to stop it.


SO, HOW DO WE IMMUNISE OURSELVES AGAINST THESE TOSS-BAGS? EASY:


– Remember that variety is the key. This concept doesn’t work as well for your sexual health as it could result in your dick falling off or your vagina becoming a cesspool of viral plague.

– Offer to remove the kale that is stuck in their teeth with your fists.

– Remember that everyone is different and different bodies thrive on different foods. Identify your own health needs. Find your sweet spot where your bodies and your tongues are fucking rejoicing. When you find it, be shameless and hold it tighter than a diarrhoea-filled rectum.

– Acknowledge that your body may be a temple, but sometimes it just wants to be Hooters.

Eat healthy shit but don’t be wankers about it.


Yours in health and friggin’ awesomeness,

Shannon x

72 thoughts on “The phenomenon of toss-baggery in healthy eating: how to spot a food-dickhead

  1. anon

    I don’t blog which is why I’m really glad that someone out there has taken the words straight from my mouth. Thank you, Shannon, for this great article which made my day! Nothing grinds my gears more than going on social media apps such as Instagram and seeing pictures of food that looks like a dirty nappy or simply overly complex dishes, along with my most favourite hashtags like #cleaneating and #carbthefuckup. Seriously. It’s OK if you put up photos of delicious looking food with recipes etc. but as soon as I see the myriad of ridiculous hashtags and labeled with #whatveganseat #hclf or #rawtill4 my blood instantly boils and hate consumes every fibre of my being. I’ve only recently heard about this thing that vegans do called “going to banana island” – essentially eating 30 bananas a day for a whole month. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE. I’m not targeting people with actual intolerances here. Eat sensibly and exercise regularly. I’m not a fucking doctor but haven’t you heard the simple principle of too much of anything is a bad thing?

    • god i laughed at your comment!!! those fucking hashtags!!! that shit spins me right out! STOP IT!

      i heard about ”banana island” last year. a friend of a friend was doing that.
      i couldn’t be friends with someone who would buy into such stupid shit.
      i have no idea where that even started but they need a dick punch.

  2. Oh man! I drink out of little jam jars. Mostly because I’m cheap and don’t want to buy actual cups. But now I know this makes me a food douche! I can hold my head up high when other people are condescendingly talking about fancy ingredients that I don’t recognize and couldn’t afford because I am just like them! oh wait…

    • haha! drinking out of jars because you don’t actually own cups excludes you from being a food-dickhead. It’s only douchebaggish if you select a jar when there is a perfectly good cup right bloody there.

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