Shannon's Kitchen

healthy food. inappropriate language. zero fucks given.


Making faux-rice out of cauliflower seems like a tossbaggish sort of thing to do. And it probably is. But if you need to up your vegetable intake, or you are a Colonel-Fatz looking to cut calories/carbs, then you may be willing to embrace this tossbaggery for the greater good of a healthy inner-arse and sexual outer-arse. Let me warn you about something fucking serious, though: you may want to avoid preparing this dish in front of a new lover – when you finely chop the cruciferous ragamuffin that is cauliflower, it stinks so much like farts. So much. The first time I made it, I was so convinced my ring-piece had made a terrible mistake that I kept turning around to sniff my own arse in confusion. I looked like a large, shaggy dog chasing its mother-fucking tail. I wasn’t too self-conscious as my only company was my husband and as if I give a fuck. Regardless, you’ve been warned. Now, let’s talk balls. The recipe for the Sweet Meaty Balls is stolen. But because I’m not a cunt, I will tell you it came from the Can’t Be F*cked Paleo book written by My Food Religion. Let’s not hold that asterisk against her, she’s a top bird. This shit is pretty quick and easy to prepare so you’ll have plenty of time to play x-box or touch your whistle. Or work on world peace or whatever.

Ingredients: serves 3‘ish

Sweet Meaty Balls:

– 500g lamb mince

– 2 tablespoons honey

– 2 tablespoons fresh rosemary, finely chopped

– 2 eggs

– 2 tablespoons coconut flour (or almond meal)

– 1 grated carrot

– salt and pepper to suit your tastebuds (don’t be a fuckhead and over-salt and give your kidneys a hard time – those guys are nice and we need them)

Cauliflower Rice-Shit:

– half a head of cauliflower, pulsed in a food processor so it resembles a sad version of rice

– 1 small onion, chopped

– 1 red capsicum, finely sliced

– 250g sliced mushrooms

– a few giant handfuls of some green shit like spinach or kale

– fair bit of rosemary, finely chopped

– 2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar (or lemon juice if you’re anti-vinegar. But if you’re anti-vinegar you’re fucking missing out)

– 1 tablespoon honey

– 1 teaspoon minced ginger

– 1 teaspoon minced garlic

– a sprinkle of cinnamon

– a bee’s dick portion size of oil

Cook this shit:

– let’s get the balls out of the way. Throw all the ingredients in a bowl and use your paws to smoosh that stuff together. Make it into balls or patties or skewers or whatever the fuck tickles your fancy. They’ll be sticky as all fuck, so don’t be surprised or think you’ve cocked it up

– heat a large frypan over a medium-high heat and bang your chosen oil in there. Cooking time will vary on how you like your meat (and the shape you elected). I made big balls because I’m dirty and excellent, and I cooked them for about 9 minutes with very frequent turning so the little hoohers didn’t burn

– once they’re out, sit them on a plate to calm down

– want to save on dishes? Re-use that friggin’ frypan. Throw the onion, capsicum, garlic and ginger in there and sizzle that shit for 2 minutes

– now get your mushrooms, cinnamon and rosemary in on the action and cook for another 2 minutes

– it’s time to make the situation juicy (like that time my friend Jess showed me the photo of Jamie Foxx with his dingaling out). Pop the honey and vinegar in there and then make it a real party by throwing in the stinky cauliflower. Let that all cook together for about another 3 minutes

– that’s it. Make a Cauliflower Rice-Shit bed and bang the Sweet Meaty Balls on top and you have yourself a pretty flash, healthy, quick dinner. Serving it with red wine seems like a fucking sensible thing to do because what’s the point in being a grown-up if you don’t seize these opportunities?

Who the fuck farted?

Shannon x

P.S. I’m not a paleo-dudette. I’m pretty sure if ancient humans had wandered out of their snug little caves and saw a mother-fucking bag of M&Ms on the terrain, their seasonal vegetables would have hit the ground faster than a drunk girl in stilettos.

17 thoughts on “Sweet Meaty Balls with Cauliflower Rice-Shit

  1. GB says:

    That is hilarious… Reading the title I saw ‘sweat meaty balls’… Giggling…

    1. Shannon says:

      *gasp* You’re FILTHY!!

  2. Veronika Mckevey says:

    Oh! Shannon it’s great and very tasty shit. keep up the good work. xx V

    1. Shannon says:

      Haha! Awww thanks Auntie V! xxx

  3. Meems says:

    Yumfuckinola. I think paleo wankers should get their hand off it generally…but do love the cauli rice thang they do, and this takes it to a whole new level of awesome. Love love love cauli. This would go tops with some chili basil soy/tamari lime juice tossed tofu on top I reckon for us veggos mmmm. Or a poached egg if feeling lazy arse. Thanx Shannon love yer guts xox

    1. Shannon says:

      GROUSE additions! Love it 😀
      PS. I’m finding myself eating more and more plant-based meals so expect to see more inappropriately presented but appropriate meals for you coming up on Shannon’s Kitchen xx

  4. Rachel says:

    I have tried cauliflower rice-shit previously and not loved it. But it WAS cooked by someone other than my good self so who knows, maybe they cocked it up? Anyway since real rice tends to make me feel like an overstuffed cushion I am going to give it another go – with some of your sweaty balls naturally 🙂

  5. Inhal says:

    Finally funny shit about food! Thank faark!

    1. Shannon says:

      Woohoo!! Glad to have you on board 🙂 x

  6. Wendy says:

    just love the honesty – so refreshing!!

  7. Sharon says:

    So I thought you might be all swear words and dick jokes but this recipe was goddamn delicious. Thanks Shannon, great job!

  8. Ben Ager says:

    I find your titles misleading. I just had the vicar and his wife over for supper and so I mixed up cauliflower, rice and actual shit up together and popped my sweet balls on top.

    Talk about embarrassing.

    I’ll read the recipe properly next time.

    1. Shannon says:

      Oh good heavens, Ben.
      I will work on my titles to avoid this misfortune in the future.
      Sincere apologies to you and the vicar,
      Shannon x

  9. Bek says:

    I love this so much, Shannon. Both the recipe and the delivery. Please come to Perth so I can buy you a “thank you for making my day” coffee.

    1. Shannon says:

      😀 I love WA so I will surely be over that way some time soon enough! Pop the kettle on 😉

  10. Kelcie says:

    Brilliant recipe Shannon! After reading this I think I am ready to try this cauliflower rice shit after hearing about it for so long from smug paleo/vegan/fruitarian office a-holes thus making me hate it without trying it. As a side note you are my kind of human. I feel like we could be muthafucking best friends. People don’t use muthafucker enough these days. You’re awesome, keep up the great work!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s