Making faux-rice out of cauliflower seems like a tossbaggish sort of thing to do. And it probably is. But if you need to up your vegetable intake, or you’re desperate to become a trim motherfucker and are cutting calories/carbs, then you may be willing to embrace this tossbaggery for the greater good of a healthy inner-arse and sexuale outer-arse. Let me warn you about something fucking serious, though: you may want to avoid preparing this dish in front of a new lover – when you finely chop the cruciferous ragamuffin that is cauliflower, it stinks so much like farts. So much. The first time I made it, I was so convinced my ring-piece had made a terrible mistake that I kept turning around to sniff my own arse in confusion. I looked like a large, shaggy dog chasing its bloody tail. I wasn’t too self-conscious as my only company was my husband and as if I give a fuck. Regardless, you’ve been warned. Now, let’s talk balls. The recipe for the Sweet Meaty Balls is stolen. But because I’m not a cunt, I will tell you it came from the Can’t Be F*cked Paleo book written by My Food Religion. Let’s not hold that asterisk against her, she’s a top bird. This shit is pretty quick and easy to prepare so you’ll have plenty of time to play x-box or touch your whistle. Or work on world peace or whatever.
Ingredients: serves 3‘ish
Sweet Meaty Balls:
– 500g lamb mince
– 2 tablespoons honey
– 2 tablespoons fresh rosemary, finely chopped
– 2 eggs
– 2 tablespoons coconut flour (or almond meal)
– 1 grated carrot
– salt and pepper to suit your tastebuds (don’t be a fuckhead and over-salt and give your kidneys a hard time – those guys are nice and we need them)
– half a head of cauliflower, pulsed in a food processor so it resembles a sad version of rice
– 1 small onion, chopped
– 1 red capsicum, finely sliced
– 250g sliced mushrooms
– a few giant handfuls of some green shit like spinach or kale
– fair bit of rosemary, finely chopped
– 2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar (or lemon juice if you’re anti-vinegar. But if you’re anti-vinegar you’re fucking missing out)
– 1 tablespoon honey
– 1 teaspoon minced ginger
– 1 teaspoon minced garlic
– a sprinkle of cinnamon
– a bee’s dick portion size of oil
Cook this shit:
– let’s get the balls out of the way. Throw all the ingredients in a bowl and use your paws to smoosh that stuff together. Make it into balls or patties or skewers or whatever the fuck tickles your fancy. They’ll be sticky as all fuck, so don’t be surprised or think you’ve cocked it up
– heat a large frypan over a medium-high heat and bang your chosen oil in there. Cooking time will vary on how you like your meat (and the shape you elected). I made big balls because I’m dirty and excellent, and I cooked them for about 9 minutes with very frequent turning so the little hoohers didn’t burn
– once they’re out, sit them on a plate to calm down
– want to save on dishes? Re-use that friggin’ frypan. Throw the onion, capsicum, garlic and ginger in there and sizzle that shit for 2 minutes
– now get your mushrooms, cinnamon and rosemary in on the action and cook for another 2 minutes
– it’s time to make the situation juicy (like that time my friend Jess showed me the photo of Jamie Foxx with his dingaling out). Pop the honey and vinegar in there and then make it a real party by throwing in the stinky cauliflower. Let that all cook together for about another 3 minutes
– that’s it. Make a Cauliflower Rice-Shit bed and bang the Sweet Meaty Balls on top and you have yourself a pretty flash, healthy, quick dinner. Serving it with red wine seems like a fucking sensible thing to do because what’s the point in being a grown-up if you don’t seize these opportunities?
Who the fuck farted?
P.S. I’m not a paleo-dudette. I’m pretty sure if ancient humans had wandered out of their snug little caves and saw a mother-fucking bag of M&Ms on the terrain, their seasonal vegetables would have hit the ground faster than a drunk girl in stilettos.