There’s quite a few poor bastards getting around with nut allergies these days. While you may quietly and privately think that they resemble Paul Pfieffer from ‘The Wonder Years’, that is irrelevant. Nut allergies are friggin’ serious and if you scoff at them then you are probably a douche.
Nut allergies often involve anaphylaxis. This intense allergic reaction involves your body losing the god damn plot. It doesn’t know whether to shit itself or combust in a frenzy of hives. Ultimately, it decides the best idea is to suffocate itself with its own heaving, swollen tissues. Fabulous work, body, that’s very fucking helpful. I’m not allergic to nuts. Instead, I am a useless fucker who is allergic to ants.
Let me share the shitty feeling of anaphylaxis:
– your eyelids swell, rendering you visionless, and that just ain’t fun without a seeing-eye dog.
– every mucous membrane swells. Even your junk can swell. Truly, it looked as though I had sat on a large pile of ham. That was quite hilarious, but the swelling of precious airways is less humorous and more deadly. It is fucking frightening to be fighting for air.
– your blood pressure drops, you become quite dizzy and likely to fall arse-over-head.
– your central nervous system goes on the fritz and you may end up more confused than Hugh Hefner in an all-womens old-age home.
– oh, and as if that all isn’t bad enough, you truly might shit yourself. And then die.
Having experienced this a few times, I believe ants are jerks, but I respect their tiny, irrepressible militia. I also respect nut allergy sufferers, because living amongst something that can kill you is more disturbing than the purple-library-ghost from Ghostbusters. It’s proper scary.
So, if there is a human in your life who is allergic to nuts (at your kid’s school, at your work, in your family, whatever), there are a few things you can do to avoid being a thoughtless knob:
– possibly making contact with someone with nut allergies later? Don’t feed yourself or your stinking kid anything with nuts, because some people are so allergic that even a trace of oil left on your filthy mitts could set off a deadly reaction.
– don’t be a dick and pack any food that contains nuts. I mean, that’s just fucking obvious.
– always wash your hands after you eat nuts. Wash them harder than if you just touched a scabby doodle.
The most obnoxious protests I have heard on this matter come from parents packing school lunches. “Why should I avoid packing nutritious nuts just because someone else’s kid is allergic?”.
Shannon’s Kitchen has an answer for you on that one, mate: “Because you’re not a cunt.”
Be a thoughtful human and respect nut allergies. Don’t be a dick,
P.S. We all know that shit happens. Maybe you’ll get your nuts out inappropriately and set off a reaction. If you would like to arm yourself with some knowledge on how to spot an anaphylactic reaction and how to respond, check out this first aid resource. Be a fucking champ.