Shannon's Kitchen

healthy food. inappropriate language. zero fucks given.

ShannonsKitchenDontBeADickAboutNuts

There’s quite a few poor bastards getting around with nut allergies these days. While you may quietly and privately think that they resemble Paul Pfieffer from ‘The Wonder Years’, that is irrelevant. Nut allergies are friggin’ serious and if you scoff at them then you are probably a douche.

Nut allergies often involve anaphylaxis. This intense allergic reaction involves your body losing the god damn plot. It doesn’t know whether to shit itself or combust in a frenzy of hives. Ultimately, it decides the best idea is to suffocate itself with its own heaving, swollen tissues. Fabulous work, body, that’s very fucking helpful. I’m not allergic to nuts. Instead, I am a useless fucker who is allergic to ants.

Let me share the shitty feeling of anaphylaxis:


– your eyelids swell, rendering you visionless, and that just ain’t fun without a seeing-eye dog.

– every mucous membrane swells. Even your junk can swell. Truly, it looked as though I had sat on a large pile of ham. That was quite hilarious, but the swelling of precious airways is less humorous and more deadly. It is fucking frightening to be fighting for air.

– your blood pressure drops, you become quite dizzy and likely to fall arse-over-head.

– your central nervous system goes on the fritz and you may end up more confused than Hugh Hefner in an all-womens old-age home.

– oh, and as if that all isn’t bad enough, you truly might shit yourself. And then die.

Having experienced this a few times, I believe ants are jerks, but I respect their tiny, irrepressible militia. I also respect nut allergy sufferers, because living amongst something that can kill you is more disturbing than the purple-library-ghost from Ghostbusters. It’s proper scary.

So, if there is a human in your life who is allergic to nuts (at your kid’s school, at your work, in your family, whatever), there are a few things you can do to avoid being a thoughtless knob:


– possibly making contact with someone with nut allergies later? Don’t feed yourself or your stinking kid anything with nuts, because some people are so allergic that even a trace of oil left on your filthy mitts could set off a deadly reaction.

– don’t be a dick and pack any food that contains nuts. I mean, that’s just fucking obvious.

– always wash your hands after you eat nuts. Wash them harder than if you just touched a scabby doodle.

The most obnoxious protests I have heard on this matter come from parents packing school lunches. “Why should I avoid packing nutritious nuts just because someone else’s kid is allergic?”.

Shannon’s Kitchen has an answer for you on that one, mate: “Because you’re not a cunt.”

Be a thoughtful human and respect nut allergies. Don’t be a dick,

Shannon x


P.S. We all know that shit happens. Maybe you’ll get your nuts out inappropriately and set off a reaction. If you would like to arm yourself with some knowledge on how to spot an anaphylactic reaction and how to respond, check out this first aid resource. Be a fucking champ.

30 thoughts on “Don’t be a ballsucker about nut allergies

  1. echam25 says:

    Glorious as always, Shaz.
    Keep up the fucking good work.

    1. Shannon says:

      😀 thanks champ

  2. Bushwoman says:

    Well said Shannon. No nut allergies here either but our entire school has been a nut free zone for a few years now. I have worked my magic on the morning teas by bringing seeds into the mix with very little complaint from the kids. It’s really not that hard.
    What really brought it home to me was the pep talk from the Mum of my son’s highly allergic friend. We took him out for a day trip with us.
    She said ‘ if he has a reaction – I don’t care if you have to sit on him or even break his arm or leg trying – just get that epipen into him. ‘
    I can’t fucking imagine living with that every day.

    1. Shannon says:

      Exactly – “it’s really not that hard”.
      If only every person had your common sense and kind heart!

  3. such good information!!!!

    i am allergic to kiwi fruit cue the beautiful easter dinner 2013. i had a bite the size of a pencil eraser that’s all it took.
    fuck me i went DOWN. my throat swelled shut and after was sore like i had been deep throating for a week. i don’t ever want to experience that again.
    total respect for peeps with allergies!

    1. Shannon says:

      Oh no! Kiwifruit 😮 Not good. It is seriously a terrifying experience, hey Tracie?!

      “deep throating for a week”…. hahahaha! Why didn’t I think of that one?! 😀
      xxx

      1. if i’m going to feel like i’ve been deep throating there should be a dick involved. fucking kiwifruit!

    2. Tess says:

      Rofl I just spat my drink every where …. “Deep throating for a week” that’s gold!!

  4. Penny Wilcock says:

    You are a frickin’ superstar! My 1-year-old son is ana to nuts, dairy, wheat, eggs & soy. So many people have NO IDEA so thank you thank you thank you xo

    1. Shannon says:

      Oh, Penny, you poor sod! That must be incredibly stressful.
      xxx

  5. Stacee says:

    My 3yr old is ana to peanuts, treenuts, allergic to mustard seed, coriander seed, sesame seeds (Yep DAMNED SEEDS) penicillin, and Mosquitos. It sucks balls. But you’ve cracked me up, hilarious, oh and Tracie your comment is GOLD lol

    1. Shannon says:

      What a plethora of allergies! That STINKS!

    2. sorry about your little one 😦
      yea i’m a bit of a perv!

  6. Fleur Hutchison says:

    true dat! i’m allergic to camel hair. learnt about not rooting on persian rugs the hard way.

    Fleur & Pete Dow Fleur Mobile: 0416 442 997 Pete Mobile: 0400 176 007 Pete Work: (03) 97396077 Joint Email: peterfleur1@bigpond.com Pete Work Email: dow@bearingwholesalers.com.au

    1. Shannon says:

      Hahahahahahaha!!!

  7. Some sweet humour in our allergy day…..

  8. Danielle says:

    Just brilliant!! I cannot believe the amount of ball suckers I have come across in relation to my anaphylactic niece. This is so well written xx

  9. Me says:

    Priceless! We’ve dealt with food allergies in my household and they are not fun to deal with – getting sick etc. But we don’t die. I can appreciate the agony of families who deal with the threat of anaphylaxis, although of course I have no real idea. Just enough appreciation to happily forego nuts on school days. So easy to do even when there is heaps if stuff my son can’t eat (& nuts would make life easier). You know what? Seeds work aswell & there are heaps of other foods that don’t risk the lives of three of his classmates. Great article, love your unabashed kick up the arse of people who just don’t realise that people can die from this.

  10. Wendy says:

    I just hope you can come on Mrs Woogs trip at the end of the year!

  11. Terence Blackburn says:

    I love the flavour of Australian prose. Its so much more descriptive and closer to the heart. Those nuts in Merica wouldn’t write like this. While the cunts like fuckers the fuckers don’t like cunts.

    1. Shannon says:

      Hahaha! Wonderful, Terence 🙂

  12. Maggie says:

    I love your post so much! Especially after reading the horrible post on missguided mama blog 😦 horrible to read as a mom of a child with life threatening peanut allergy.

    1. Shannon says:

      What was the horrible post about??

  13. Suz says:

    OMG Thank You
    U just said what I want to shout at everyone when they roll there eyes over allergies
    ~Son 8 severe peanut allergy ~

  14. So thankful I haven’t come across one of these unsympathetic assholes. My son has an egg allergy which causes severe vomiting. I’m super thankful it doesn’t make his junk swell into a hunk of ham. haha! Will share this on my FB page this weekend. Thanks!

    1. Shannon says:

      Fuck me dead.
      I left a comment for this ‘Missguided’ individual, it is yet to be approved.
      I struggle to comprehend how people can put their kid’s dietary preferences above another kids’s PREFERENCE TO JUST FUCKING CONTINUE TO LIVE.
      Thanks for sharing, Nicole x

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