Non-shithouse, easy, vegan, gluten-free cupcakes


Vegan, gluten-free cupcakes – this is going to be bloody tough to get people on board. It sounds wanky and reminiscent of eating a dry, old penis (if penises were vegan). Embracing some plant-based food, though, has wonderful benefits (besides not having to eat dick), such as lower cholesterol, healthy blood pressure and lower incidence of heart disease. Plus you will do some amazing shits that leave you with a true sense of triumph. Arseholes and hearts aside, we do not, however, wish to sacrifice our enjoyment of food, which brings us back to cupcakes. There is something about cupcakes that unites us all. Probably their excellence and their connection to our youth when we cared not for sugar-values, thigh-size or longevity. When we ran around nude and pleaded with the drug-lords of sugar (our mothers) for more. A time when figurative and literal dry, old penises were not of concern (hopefully). Yes, every time I bite into a fluffy, sweet little cupcake, I am happy.

Ingredients: makes about 10 little fellas

– 2 ripe (or overripe is better) bananas, peeled

– 1/4 cup coconut oil

– 3 tablespoons coconut milk

– 1/4 cup rice malt syrup (or whatever sweetener you have taken a shine too)

– 1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract

– 1/4 teaspoon salt

– 2 teaspoons baking powder

– 2 cups almond meal (making these for school? Fuck the nuts off and take on some gluten by using wholemeal flour)

– 1 tablespoon flaxseed meal

– 1 tablespoon chia seeds

– 1 tablespoon water


– 1/4 cup stevia icing mix. I can almost hear some douches carrying on with “What the fuck is that?!” Cut it out: I bought it at the supermarket, it’s like icing sugar, but made with stevia (that natural herb that is sweet but is low-calorie and has a negligible effect on blood sugars). Obviously more expensive than the normal sugar version but doesn’t fuck you up as much

– 1 teaspoon lemon juice

– 1 teaspoon coconut oil

– water to mix

Please note this makes a fairly frugal amount. If you are an icing-whore, perhaps double this mixture.

Say no to dry, old peen-cakes:

– bang your oven on 170C

– if you’re a lucky fucker with a food processor, chuck the bananas, coconut oil, vanilla extract, rice syrup and coconut milk in there and whizz that shit. While that’s buzzing away, mix the chia seeds and flaxseed meal in a cup. Add the tablespoon of water as well and stir like fuck for a few seconds. Before it congeals into madness, toss it into the food processor quick-smart and whizz. Then add the rest of the dry shit (the almond meal, salt and baking powder) and re-whizz

– if you’re without a food processor, just mash those bananas by hand and combine with the coconut oil, vanilla extract, rice syrup and coconut milk. Once that’s sufficiently in a sloppy togetherness, grab yourself a cup and mix the chia seeds, flaxseed meal and water. Don’t fuck around, stir if quick and bang it in with the other moist shit and combine it all. It can lump up like a mother-fucker. You’ve been warned. Now add in the almond meal, salt and baking powder and stir the fuck out out of it

– spoon the mixture into a muffin tin (lined with dear little patty-pan wrappers)

– whack the little guys into the oven. They will take around 25-30 minutes. Almond meal can be a bit of a cunt and tends to burn, so keep an eye on these guys. You’ll know they’re cooked when they’re golden brown on the top, but still a little spongey in the middle when you poke them

– while their cooling their jets, make your icing. Just combine your icing ingredients in a bowl and whisk like a crazy son of a bitch. Add water as needed. The stevia icing mix doesn’t form as smooth a consistency as the regular sugary-shit, but don’t be disheartened because you will give exactly zero fucks when you bite into the deliciousness and don’t get diabetes

– when your cakes have cooled enough, ice those little champs. If you’re a bit swish, get a bit of lemon zest on the top, it adds a bit of zing and looks as fancy as all fuck

Cupcakes are fucking grouse, and so are we,

Shannon x

13 thoughts on “Non-shithouse, easy, vegan, gluten-free cupcakes

  1. Caroline

    Fuck you’ve just made me roar with laughter Shannon, on a particularly shitful, terribly sad day. Well done girl – thank fuck for you!
    Love your work,

  2. Lauren @ The Thud

    At the top where you’ve got ‘if penises were vegan’ in bold, I thought for a moment it was a hyperlink. I have no idea where I was hoping to be taken on that link, but by God I tried to click it.
    I’m not even vegan….

  3. Lynda Reid

    Sweet baby jeezus – you crack me up!

    I adore your blog and think you’re amazing. A healthy, balanced approach to food, combined with world-class potty mouth? I’m in absolute heaven.

    Keep up the sensational work, lady!



  4. “cupcakes are fucking grouse, and so are we” yes you are, Shannon. Yes you are. I was so bored this morning I was reading emails for fun (!) and came across this… you made my day. you have succeeded in making an other-wise terribly boring recipe into something I will be sharing with friends.

  5. Bek

    Finally! A cupcake that doesn’t taste like a penis! Can’t wait to try this recipe. I continue to be grotesquely inappropriately in love with your blog. Thank you thank you.

  6. There is a school of thought that Penises are Vegan. Human penises anyway. As long as they are still attached. It’s a question for more brilliant minds than mine, however.

  7. Pingback: 6 Healthy Cake Recipes For Your Next Party

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