I don’t think I have hidden the fact that I’m a bit of an animal. Do I mostly eat well? Yes, I do. Do I sometimes show a complete lack of regard for my body and devour ridiculous food because I fucking can? You’re damn right I do, and what could be dirtier than BBQ Ribs? Sexual relations with a faecally incontinent individual who is wearing a silly hat and holding a kitten. That’s dirtier, but not nearly as tasty. A Melbournian BBQ-man named Chris sent me this recipe with the warning: “it’s fatty meat with a sugary sauce – it’s not fucking Lite’n’Easy”. So, consider yourself warned – this is ‘fat fuck’ material. To do this properly, you need big ol’ fat ribs, think: the porcine version of John Candy. You might need to strike up a relationship with your butcher, I will leave the ‘how’ of that up to you. If you buy any ol’ shit, you could end up with ribs that have less meat on them than Matthew McConaughey circa Dallas Buyers Club. So focus on getting the right ribs, you awesome douchenozzles.
Now, we’ve spoken of pork before, remember? We’re not arseholes here, so let’s take as much cuntfulness out of this situation as we can and purchase free-range pork. Pigs are most excellent – let’s not be more dickish than necessary. Alright, kids: roll up your sleeves, this shit is gonna get filthy.
– however many racks of free-range pork ribs you want. No one is here to judge, we’re all in this gooey mess together
– a good BBQ sauce (a smokey, proper one. I found one at the supermarket, it was cheap and fucking grouse. Was it full of sugar? You’re god damn right it was. My nipples are getting hard just thinking about it). For those dedicated souls among us who couldn’t allow such nonsense to enter their inners, saddle up that high horse and ride on over to My Food Religion, that healthy mofo has a recipe for BBQ sauce.
– oil of your choice (or you can use mustard)
– a smidgen of apple juice (or lemon juice)
– brown sugar (or coconut sugar)
– salt and pepper
Rub and Rib one out:
– make ‘the rub’. In a bowl, mix up the brown sugar, paprika, salt and pepper to your taste. I used a few tablespoons of sugar as a base, then added the seasonings until it tasted grouse. I just kept ramming my licked finger into the mix until it was ‘rub’ worthy
– get those ribs and trim off any obscenely large pieces of fat. Chris recommends removing the membrane on the back with a butter knife and paper towel. I used my hands because I’m a monster
– now coat those ribs with oil (or mustard), this gives ‘the rub’ something to stick to
– apply a good coat of ‘the rub’ to your ribs. Don’t go silly with it – ‘the rub’ ain’t bronzer and the ribs ain’t whores. When that’s done, wrap them up in plastic wrap and pop them in the fridge for an hour or two
– when you’re ready to get cooking, get the oven cranking to about 110C
– unwrap your ribs and pop them in a roasting dish (put baking paper on the bottom to avoid killing the dish) and cook them (uncovered) for about 2 hours. Then pull those bad boys out, and wrap them aluminium foil along with a little splash of apple juice (or lemon juice), and return them to the oven for 1 more hour
– by now those mother-fuckers should be fairly tender, so get them out of the oven and unwrap them
– it’s BBQ sauce time now, bozos. Slather that shit on like the ribs are an ugly face and the sauce is Chanel makeup. Be liberal – it tastes amazing and it covers up any ugly cock-ups
– get the griller firing on medium/high heat
– pop the sauced-up ribs under the griller. Don’t fucking move. Those little pricks look innocent but they will burn if you let them and you will be a ribless dickhead. This takes around 5-10 minutes, you’ll know they’re done when the sauce becomes tacky on top. It will be stickier than cervical secretions at ovulation time but less gross
– prepare to be dazzled