This dish is gonna give you some pretty serious garlic breath, so you will need to have a bit of confidence behind you before you hook into this creamy mushroom pasta. I mean, if you’re going to pull this one out on Date Numero Uno, you would want to be packing a pretty huge dick, or have a giant gravity-defying set of titties, because you’re gonna have some breath on you to make up for. 

I love this dish because it’s as basic as all fuck and takes bugger all time to prepare – it is perfect for when you have no patience for food preparation, but give moderate fucks about your health. Plus it’s cheap, which means you will have more money to spend on tossbaggish gluten-free, sugar-free, organic shit or hookers and blow.

Oh! And yes, this sauce is vegan. If you just HAVE to add meat to every dish, then kick yourself in your crotchfruit, because you’re being a stubborn dingaling.

Ingredients: Serves 3 or 4 (depending on greed levels)

– smidge of oil/fat of your choice

– about 600g mushrooms, sliced. Be a classy son of a bitch and get an assortment of mushrooms. I like to use Swiss Brown Mushrooms and those cute little button ones.

– 1 cup of coconut cream

– 1 cup of coconut milk (if you use all coconut cream it goes too gooey and it ain’t right)

– 3 birdseye chillis, finely chopped (those hot little fuckers. Don’t be rubbing your eyes when you cut these tiny bastards up, lest you be blinded for god damn life)

– 3 or 4 teaspoons crushed garlic (I don’t give a shit if you use the stuff out of a jar, or if you want to be a flash prick and use fresh stuff)

– OPTIONAL: a couple of giant handfuls of baby spinach to green that fucker up

– OPTIONAL: chopped fresh parsely. If you want to garnish this with some fresh herbs then you are indeed one excellent champ

– PASTA: do whatever you bloody like here. I like to use a mixture of zucchini noodles (“zasta”) and corn pasta because I’m a complete knob-jockey

Righto, big-dick, let’s go:

– this isn’t going to include instructions for cooking the pasta bit because I don’t know what the fuck you’ve selected and you can really just work that out for your bloody self. Don’t be a needy silly sausage

– heat up a fry-pan over a medium-high heat, plop in a little bit of oil in, then whack in your garlic and chilli and give it a little sizzle for half a minute. Stand back because that fucker will spit like a camel

– next up: the mushrooms, chuck them in. Stir them here and there, and let them saute for about 5 minutes. You want them a little soft but not so flaccid that it makes you sad

– cool that shit down with your coconut cream and milk, and turn the heat down so it’s all just simmering. It will only need about 10 minutes. Don’t let it get too thick or it’ll be gross and it will sit in the corners of your mouth like that tenacious, semi-solid white crud that seems to inhabit some old men’s mouths

– if you elected to add greens, then feel smug and add them now, stir them around and wait for them to wilt

– serve it up over the pasta of your choice, and if you’re one of the fancy ones, toss a bit of fresh herb and cracked pepper over the top

Mushrooms are funny because they sometimes resemble peens,

Shannon x


  1. Lizzy

    Fucking amazing. I’m one of those pain in the ass vegan people and on top of that I’m basic as and can’t cook, so, this is right up my alley. Bonus points for the petrol station story at the start of the recipe.

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