Please don’t bloody ruin Easter.
There’s some crazy shit getting around this Easter on the ol’ internet machine. I saw a health-food site recommending the Easter Bunny put ‘fresh fruit in Easter baskets’. How fun! Yes, how fun it will be to ruin the lives of small children. How fun to see the face of an eager little child drop with despair when they reach into their Easter basket and pull out a fucking banana. That sounds like the perfect way to create future serial killers.
Planning on following some flog’s advice to wrap grapes in coloured foil to resemble eggs? You’re a cunt. Hang your head in shame, or better yet, hang your entire self. Another site cruelly suggested that you place ‘beautifully painted hard boiled eggs’ in lieu of chocolate eggs. Hard boiled god damn eggs in an Easter basket. How about go fuck yourself, you fucking sicko.
The only acceptable criteria for withholding chocolate is if the wee humans have allergies, in which case, that’s just bloody sensible and good work for bringing sensitivity this Easter, Señor Bunny. Allergies are no laughing matter, except when they involve raging diarrhoea because we all know that poo is a reliable source of hilarity.
I’m not saying you should give our children diabetes* this Easter, but a bit of proper dirty chocolate is essential. The daily sugar recommendation is rightfully low, but honestly, on bloody Easter this recommendation can eat a bag of dicks. Your good intentions are appreciated, but those good intentions can simultaneously go fuck themselves.
Giving good quality chocolate is acceptable, but all of this other healthy bullshit is more offensive than an invitation to sit on Rolf Harris’ knee while he watches you eat hot dogs.
So, Easter Bunny, please relax on the healthy shit for just one day. There is a time and a place to be an uptight tossbag about food, and Easter is not it. Please fill our Easter baskets with chocolate and our hearts with the will to continue living.
Bring the flavey-flave,
*This is clearly a joke based on the loosest thread of reality linking longterm excessive sugar consumption to the development of Type 2 Diabetes Mellitus (distinct from Type 1 Diabetes) and is not a public health message. So please don’t take this joke seriously or believe that a day of gorging on chocolate will lead to diabetes.