An Inappropriate Open Letter to the Easter Bunny:

92 Comments

Please don’t bloody ruin Easter. 

There’s some crazy shit getting around this Easter on the ol’ internet machine. I saw a health-food site recommending the Easter Bunny put ‘fresh fruit in Easter baskets’. How fun! Yes, how fun it will be to ruin the lives of small children. How fun to see the face of an eager little child drop with despair when they reach into their Easter basket and pull out a fucking banana. That sounds like the perfect way to create future serial killers.

EasterBunnyIsADick.jpg

Planning on following some flog’s advice to wrap grapes in coloured foil to resemble eggs? You’re a cunt. Hang your head in shame, or better yet, hang your entire self. Another site cruelly suggested that you place ‘beautifully painted hard boiled eggs’ in lieu of chocolate eggs. Hard boiled god damn eggs in an Easter basket. How about go fuck yourself, you fucking sicko.

The only acceptable criteria for withholding chocolate is if the wee humans have allergies, in which case, that’s just bloody sensible and good work for bringing sensitivity this Easter, Señor Bunny.  Allergies are no laughing matter, except when they involve raging diarrhoea because we all know that poo is a reliable source of hilarity.

I’m not saying you should give our children diabetes* this Easter, but a bit of proper dirty chocolate is essential. The daily sugar recommendation is rightfully low, but honestly, on bloody Easter this recommendation can eat a bag of dicks. Your good intentions are appreciated, but those good intentions can simultaneously go fuck themselves.

Giving good quality chocolate is acceptable, but all of this other healthy bullshit is more offensive than an invitation to sit on Rolf Harris’ knee while he watches you eat hot dogs.

So, Easter Bunny, please relax on the healthy shit for just one day. There is a time and a place to be an uptight tossbag about food, and Easter is not it. Please fill our Easter baskets with chocolate and our hearts with the will to continue living.

Bring the flavey-flave, 

Shannon x

*This is clearly a joke based on the loosest thread of reality linking longterm excessive sugar consumption to the development of Type 2 Diabetes Mellitus (distinct from Type 1 Diabetes) and is not a public health message. So please don’t take this joke seriously or believe that a day of gorging on chocolate will lead to diabetes.

92 thoughts on “An Inappropriate Open Letter to the Easter Bunny:”

  3. Sharon

    Have an Easter egg hunt, then we all get some exercise as well as finding yum chocs. Once a year is a good time for all the family to get off their couches and help the young ones.

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  4. Naomi

    Confused.. and sorry to add to the diabetes convo.. but isn’t Type 2, especially late onset, caused in part by poor diet, including too much sugar?

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  5. winewithcats

    Oh Shannon, this is all wrong. Fruit is fucking delicious, and properly occupies a place in any well rounded Easter basket (which, being an entire meal by itself, ought to be well rounded). There are some constraints, though; I totally agree about the bananas and grapes. Booooring. In my opinion, for something to qualify as Easter basket fruit, it has to be unrecognizably exotic, and vaguely egg-shaped. Well chosen fruit should also provide opportunities for educational Easter morning dialogues, for example:

    OMG WHAT’S THIS
    That’s called a kiwano
    WHY DOES IT HAVE HORNS IS IT SO T-REXES DON’T CHEW ON IT

    OMG WHAT’S THIS
    That’s a dragonfruit
    WHY IS IT CALLED THAT DO DRAGONS EAT IT
    OMG IF I PLANT THE SEEDS DO THEY GROW INTO DRAGONS
    OMFG IT’S HOT PINK INSIDE HOW DOES IT DO THAT

    OMG WHAT IS THIS ONE
    That’s called a rambutan
    WHY DOES IT HAVE FUR IS IT TO STAY WARM WHEN IT SNOWS
    DOES IT LIKE TO BE PATTED

    Admittedly, I may have been a slightly weird child in this regard.

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  8. Linda

    As kids we always got fresh fruit & hard boiled eggs in our EASTER baskets. We turned out OK. And in our Christmas stockings we got fresh fruit & personal care products. That was our house. We all turned out OK. But mom used to cook a fabulous meal & bake cookies & a nice cake. Kids are just spoiled now & expect way too much. Most parents have created their own monsters.

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  10. Anna

    My child gets easter eggs so we can eat them once she’s finally passed out in bed (after what feels like 9 million books) as we desperately pray that she stays there.

    Now she can count it’s tricker but she understands that it is what happens since the pantry is magic and eats anything delicious during the night.

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