There was a time when I viewed my breasts like a set of earrings: they came in a pair, they were decorative and they stayed where I put them. Now they are a fully functional apparatus, and they only have a side-gig as ornaments, which if I’m honest, they’re not particularly nailing. They take their milk-producing role seriously, although making enough milk can be bloody hard work sometimes and they need a little help. I’m not talking about Mr Shannon getting in there and yanking on them like I’m an old dairy cow named Trilby, I’m talking about food.

Inspired by Lactation Cookies, these Lactation Balls contain the same tittie-poppin’ ingredients (brewers yeast, oats, flaxseed) but remove many of the fucks you are required to give when making the cookies – because parents have few fucks to give. We are virtually fresh out of fucks most of the time. We have shit on. If I have time to spare I’m not keen to spend 30 minutes in the kitchen, I’m looking to pin crafting activities on Pinterest or do some scrapbooking. I’m fucking with you, I want to do none of those things. Now, allow me to present my balls:

Ingredients:

– 1/2 cup peanut butter (get a good one where the only ingredients is peanuts and a bee’s-dick of salt)

– 12 medjool dates (these live in the fresh fruit section, not that shitty dried date section)

– 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

– 1/4 teaspoon salt

– 1/2 cup rolled oats

– 1/4 cup flax meal

– 1 tablespoon brewers yeast

– 1 tablespoon coconut oil

Get ballin’:

– throw it all into a food processor

– whizz the shit out of it

– roll it into balls. Big balls or small balls, whatever tickles your fancy

– if you’re not a fan of sticky balls, roll them in desiccated coconut (or crushed peanuts or some similar shit)

– bang them in the fridge

May your titties go boom-boom, and the milk flow freely,

Shannon x