Children are annoying*. But that doesn’t mean we want them to die. In fact, parents go to great lengths to ensure their spawn don’t die. So, here is a list of common chokey foods to avoid or slice the fuck out of:
Grapes – These delicious little jerks are perfect for choking small humans. Their size is roughly proportional to windpipes and their skin gets more traction than a dry doodle. Don’t let natural selection have its way: show those chokey-arsed mother-fuckers who is boss and cut grapes lengthwise if your kid is under five.
Sausages and hot-dogs – If the phallic nature of sausages and hot dogs isn’t enough to put you off serving them whole to small children then you might be a pervert. But whether you’re a creep or not, you must slice them anyway to reduce the choke factor. When you cut these fuckers, for the love of god, don’t cut them into coin shapes. They can still get stuck, ya knob.
Chunks of meat/cheese – When I was working as a nurse in the Emergency Department, a woman choked on a big-arse chunk of tuna steak. And this was a fully grown human with a full set of teeth. I was the un-choker (medical term) and it was really bloody hard to dislodge that hunk of fish. Slice meat and cheese thin. I’m talking thinner than you think is reasonable. Like Matthew McConaughey circa Dallas Buyers Club. That’s right: REAL FUCKING THIN.
Whole nuts – You can bake with almond meal, put peanut butter on toast, all that shit, but don’t give little kids whole nuts. They’re chokey. Why don’t you just put a marble in their mouth and call it a day?
Raw carrots and hard fruits – I’m sure your toddler is just DYING to eat raw carrots, but that’s what may actually happen if they do. If they’re having them, slice ‘em up nice and thin. The carrots/fruits that is, not the children. Just to be clear: no cutting the children.
Lollies – Sorry, kids. I don’t mean to ruin your life but here I am doing it. Lollies can be chokey, especially those hard ones but also the gooey, chewy ones. I’m an arsehole, I know.
Popcorn – This chokey doozie surprises many. But this buttery son of a bitch has caused choking deaths in small children. What a delicious fuck-knuckle. Because it’s light and puffy it’s easily inhaled into the windpipe where it then acts like a huge cunt.
Marshmallows – “But they’re soft?!” I hear you wail. DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER. These smooshy pieces of shit LOVE getting stuck in windpipes, then they swell and make that windpipe their home for life. They’re like fluffy, tasty, little squatters and they are very hard to dislodge. Again, sorry kids.
This list is not exhaustive, so use your noggin. Most importantly, if your little’n is eating: make them sit the hell down like a civilised human and stay the fuck with them. Don’t let them free range. They’re not chooks with raging beaks that can peck the fuck out of food, they’re little humans, and they are as useless as tits on a bull. But, gee-whizz, we love them.
Love, Shannon x
P.S. Do you know how to un-choke a baby/kid? Do you know how to properly perform CPR on a wee one? Do you know what the fuck to do if a little’n spills hot tea on themselves? They can get third degree fucking burns from a hot cuppa. Their skin burns at much lower temperature than us gristly, leathery, old fuckers. If you don’t know how to do this stuff, take a First Aid for Children course. Nurse Shannon’s orders.
*Proof of how annoying children can be: My four year old son comes out of the toilet and says,”So, Mum..some of my wee went in the bowl, but lots of it went kind of everywhere. Like the floor and the walls. My penis was out of control!” Cue heavy sighs by me and the usage of epic volumes of paper towel.