OK.. Diets suck penis, but what the f**k should I eat?

Keto. Paleo. Plant-based. Clean-eating. Low-carb. Juice Cleanses. Chocolate & Cocaine. Atkins. 5:2. Shakes. Alkaline Diet. Whole30. Sigh.

What the fuck? It seems like food and diets go hand in hand these days, and it’s fucking annoying. Nutrition experts often get fired up about it because healthy eating can be pretty simple and enjoyable. These diets may work wonderfully for some people, but they’re not a one-size-fits-all caper. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:

“Everybody is different. You know someone who has transformed their life with a paleo diet. Someone else tried it and got rewarded with a big, fat kidney stone they had to piss out of their tiny dick-hole. You know someone who went vegan, and now they’re healthy as fuck and joyously backing fruit puffs out of their glowing arsehole. Some other poor bastard went vegan and became so deficient in vitamin B12 they had to get shots in the arse. And I’m not talking hot beef injections. You know a skinny low-carb fucker who loves it and thrives. Someone else tried low-carb and had breath like an anus and a brain slower than Tony Abbott’s. And then there’s that fuck-knuckle who eats and drinks whatever the hell they like and never gets sick or fat. You tried that, got so pissed you spewed up your McDonald’s and then shat your fat-pants. So what does this tell us? Fuck all, except that everyone is different and there is no single solution.”

Strict rules around food can backfire. Earlier this year I took to Facebook to rant about clean-eating:

“Clean-eating. What a fucker of a guilt trip. You’ve eaten ‘clean’ all day, then you dip your trotters into the biscuit tin for a cheeky one. A biscuit down, you think, “fuck it, I’ve already dirtied myself today, I might as well go balls deep”. Next minute, you’ve eaten those bags of Doritos and marshmallows you keep hidden for when you’re high, and have buckled yourself into the car en route to visit Ronald the Questionable Clown. The day spirals further out of control and by the end you’re considering dishing out a blozza in exchange for a bag of Skittles* … But you could have just enjoyed the biscuit and moved the fuck on to salad. You’re not ‘naughty’ – you didn’t hose down a crowd of people with your own urine, you ate a friggin’ biscuit. Guilt for eating something decadent shouldn’t exist. Including some fun food in your life is normal and practical, not a punishable offence.”

A tactic I use to avoid getting sucked into the dieting vortex is to stop giving so many fucks. I listen to my body. I make sure I get enough of the good stuff. But if I really want a cheeky donut, I fucking have one. Dr Tim Crowe (a nutrition expert) reckons sticking to the basics of ‘lots of food variety from fresh produce, high in plant-based foods, close to their natural state. Fruits, vegetables, wholegrains, nuts and seeds are the cornerstone, and then lean meat, fish and dairy if these foods agree with you. From there, include foods that you enjoy the taste of that add more variety and enjoyment to your eating, without feeling the need to completely ban or obsess over any particular food or nutrient.’

So how ‘bout dat? You can have a piece of cake here and there, ya flog, just make sure you eat enough veggies.

*Not a recommended deal as you may end up tasting more than ‘the rainbow’.

FOODmontage

P.S. If you want nutrition advice, go see a bloody registered nutritionist or dietician! Don’t trust some knob on the Internet Machine.

6 thoughts on “OK.. Diets suck penis, but what the f**k should I eat?

  1. Natalie

    I absolutely love this!! I’ve been terrified of the word diet all my life from seeing everyone around me fad diet and be in such a viscious cycle of feeling great, having a ‘treat’, and then feeling shitty over and over again. Thank you for saying the blatantly obvious and recognising that one size definitely doesn’t fit all!!

  2. Katrina

    Exactly this, yes! I’ve been feeling this for a while now. Eat real food, complimented by deliciousness every now and then and you’re golden.

  3. Have you ever seen nutritionist Lucy Mountains’ Instagram (thefashionfitnessfoodie)? It features her busting a lot of diet myths so that people won’t feel guilty about not following their diet to the letter.

    For instance, she’ll hold a handful of 🌰 next to a handful of 🍬 and note that they have the exact same number of calories.

    • Timbo

      Calories in this context is irrelevant. It’s like holding a tractor next to an elephant and saying they go the same speed therefore are the same

  4. Meh, I’ve never gotten a lick of decent advice from a nutritionist or dietician. When a “pro” tells me to eat 3 cups of *anything* when I’ve just had VSG surgery and have LITERALLY a 6 oz stomach? And the 3 cups was yogurt and CANNED MEAT? Uh, WAT?

    I can’t get behind sending anyone to these people. Every diet I’ve seen written by a “pro” has been the exact same diet with lots of yogurt and lots of carbs. My diabetic friend was told to eat grapes (VERY high sugar content!!) as snacks and to eat plenty of bread and granola for fiber. CARBS. And he had constant issues with his blood sugars – I wonder why??

    Nutritionists and dieticians are low on my list of people I’d consult with for anything. I think there is plenty of info to be had via the various medical sites and medical research sites for people to educate themselves and hammer out a diet that works for them. When I did VSG, I did tons of research and made my own diet for recovery and beyond. Glad I did, too, or I’d have been trying to eat too much and the wrong things and I’d have been ill for months. I was recovered and eating solid foods at six weeks. I credit that to doing my homework and preparing all the foods I’d need for my recovery in advance.

    DO the work, educate yourself and never trust anyone to give you instructions for how to live your life. Only YOU are in charge of YOU. No one knows your body like you do.

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