I must be prudent and begin with a caution: this buttercream frosting recipe contains more butter than you’d need to grease John Candy’s entire naked body. Yep, it has zero respect for your organs BUT it has maximum respect for your tastebuds. So let’s do it.
INGREDIENTS: (to ice a standard cake)
- 125g salted butter, softened but not melted (heavens to Betsy, not melted! And don’t use margarine. As I say in my cookbook, margarine tastes like a dildo and gets a firm no from me)
- a wee splash of vanilla extract (I use 1 or 2 teaspoons)
- 2 cups icing sugar (for chocolate frosting add in powdered cocoa to taste)
- 2 tablespoons milk (or cream if you want maximum nipple stiffening)
- salt to taste
Place the softened butter in a mixing bowl and add the vanilla extract.
Now get your electric beaters out. Good heavens, you need electric beaters for this, don’t try to do it by hand like a peasant — even The Rock’s guns couldn’t stir this hard and fast enough to make it smooth.
Mix the butter and vanilla on low speed and slowly add the icing sugar. Once it’s mostly combined you can pump up the jam to medium-high speed and whizz it around for a minute or so.
Now add in the milk (or cream if you chose to be a nipp-wizard) and beat until combined.
Dip your finger in (JESUS! Turn the beaters off first, you silly goose! You need your fingers for all sorts of things) and taste it. Is it smooth? If not re-beat. Is it too thick? Then add more milk and re-beat. Does it need a little salt? That’s right, champ, sprinkle some in and re-beat.
Now you can spread that tasty mix on a cake or a consenting adult’s skin.
Apply bandaids to your nipples to prevent chafing because when you taste this the exceptional flavour will generate a strong stimulus and your nipples will become erect and may chafe as they rub upon your garments.
Yours in buttery goodness,
P.S. Shannon’s Kitchen is set for some exciting newness! Please subscribe to keep your finger on the the pulse.
P.P.S. Let’s balance this sugary business out with some nutritious Chicken Satay.