Shannon's Kitchen

healthy food. inappropriate language. zero fucks given.

shan

ABOUT SHANNON’S KITCHEN:

We are starting to realise what we put in our mouths is harming us. And I’m not referring to munging on a diseased set of genitals, I’m talking about food. Food can pump you full of awesome, or it can fuck you right up.

I’m an Australian nurse who is balls deep in a Masters of Nutrition. I’ve personally experienced the change good food can make. After reducing sugar and processed shit, under the care of my doctor, I quickly went from having ovaries as dud as a pair of fucking Crocs* to being so fertile I produced a small human by bloody accident.

Despite the apparent revelation, I’m not a tossbag-food-saint. I eat burgers frequently (yes, even McDonalds, in fact, Ronald is a treasured and respected clown in my home), I drink (at times obscenely), and if I’m eating M&Ms you’re fucking damn right I selected the jumbo pack, because I’m a greedy cunt.

But I subscribe to the 80/20 rule: 80% of the time, I make food choices that are excellent for my hotrod. 20% of the time, I’m an absolute prick to my body, and I say, “Body, take a backseat, you whinging cocksucker, it’s the tastebud’s turn to drive”. 

I started creating my own healthy recipes in my kitchen when I grew tired of being porked up the ring by other ‘healthy’ food pages. If a meal leaves you with flaccid nipples and a disappointed sensory experience, then it’s not worthy. 

If it’s got unmasked kale in it, then it can most likely go fuck itself.

So, this site is a place for family chefs to find inspiration for healthy meals that give the tastebuds the respect they fucking deserve. You’ll also find articles on health shit. All content will be punctuated with fruity language and inappropriate analogies. So, anyone with feathers that ruffle will have to come to terms with that. 

Let’s cook, fuckers!

Shannon x

repulsivefuckingcrocs

*These are Crocs, and they are not ok.

P.S. Want to be one of life’s winners and have some healthy shit in your social repertoire? If so, join me on:

Facebook

Twitter

Instagram

Email me at shan.kelly@me.com

96 thoughts on “about

  1. inourtown says:

    Firstly…. I love someone who swears as much as me and sounds just as cool. Secondly, I can’t fuckn’ wait 4 some healthy tasty goodness recipes. I will be following… Bring that shit on!

    1. Shannon says:

      Hooray! A fellow vile human! Glad to hear it 🙂
      The healthy lemon tart is my newest creation, I absolutely love it: https://shannonskitchen.com/2014/08/21/cheese-free-cheesecakey-lemon-tart-what/.
      I hope you find something to enjoy in the recipes section! If you find something you love or hate please let me know.
      Yours in vulgarity, Shannon x

      1. Gareth says:

        I got so excited about this but then I saw all the fucking nuts in it. I’m allergic. To all of them. Any alternative ingredient suggestions for the macadamias and cashews?

        Cheers,
        Gareth

      2. Shannon says:

        Ohhhhh, well that just sucks fucking balls, Gareth.
        Depends on the recipe.. Let me know which ones you are keen on and I will try to shoot you some suggestions to fuck the nuts off x

      3. Gareth says:

        Hey Shannon – thanks for the reply – it was the lemon tart with all the cashews and macadamias please! 🙂

      4. Sam Ferrara says:

        Hey listen,
        Where the fuck do I sign up for emails and shit? I don’t want to miss the launch of your fucking book.
        I could go looking myself, but I’m fucking lazy and far too drunk.

      5. Shannon says:

        I am a fuckstick and I need to re-do the website. There should be a tab at the side or the very bottom to sign up for email subscription. If that doesn’t make fucking sense send me an email shan.kelly@me.com and I’ll sign you up, ya flog.

    2. An oldie says:

      Pity your mouth isn’t as nice as your recipes. We oldies don’t like all the swearing !!

      1. Shannon says:

        Luckily the internet is a GIANT place and there is plenty of nice people with nice blogs and nice recipes and zero swearing 🙂

  2. Laurent Beguing says:

    C’est cool!

    1. Shannon says:

      😀 Hope you enjoy some tasty food from Shannon’s Kitchen!

  3. Claudette Marie Daher says:

    Shannon I like very Mutch your ideas I’m goin 2 be healthy that wy I wold like 2folow your Receipe please & thank you verry mutch

  4. novianti says:

    Saya ingin memainkan permainan ini

  5. tweeting, facebooking, instagramming and generally plugging the shit out of this – best food blog ever.

    1. Shannon says:

      You are clearly an excellent person and I say thank you, friend! 😀

  6. Sam says:

    Shannon, I am currently studying my Advanced Diploma in Nutritional Medicine and it’s great that you have this blog. I love to swear as much as you but I’m not entirely sure about putting such language into your blogs but each to their own I guess. I have a blog of my own which I am still trying to get off the ground (well find the motivation to really). It’s good to see some interesting articles with all of the research behind it, so many people are trying to debunk all of these healthy foods and natural remedies but don’t have the grounds to stand on when presenting their arguments. You can follow my blog at http://lariellenutrition.weebly.com/ or my facebook page https://www.facebook.com/healthtips4me

    1. Shannon says:

      Thanks Sam! I will check your blog out 🙂 As for the swearing, it’s not for everyone, that’s for sure. For me, I believe that an individual’s writing can reflect their personality, and well – I’m a bit of a rude noodle so I just go with it. Best wishes for your studies! 🙂

  7. Chantelle says:

    I’m pretty much going to marry you, and take you home to my husband. After we stop for take-out.

    In other words, I’m picking up what you’re putting down. I like your blog. Awesome.

  8. fatmumslim says:

    I’m pretty much going to marry you, and take you home to my husband. After we stop for take-out.

    In other words, I’m picking up what you’re putting down. I like your blog. Awesome.

    1. Shannon says:

      Haha! This is going to be a beautiful marriage.

  9. Lyssie Blanchett says:

    Ha! Yes, kale can absolutely go fuck itself. But I’m onboard with the 80/20 rule. Thank you for saving me from more painful hours on Pinterest filtering up-themselves recipes featuring quinoa and life affirmations. Subscribed!

    1. Shannon says:

      Haha, life affirmations can also go fuck themselves.
      Thanks mate!

  10. Alisha says:

    Holy shit that’s gold! As an RN myself and Nutrition study curious, a lot of what you say speaks to me. Love the cursing too. Keep it real chikkie babe xx

    1. Shannon says:

      Thank you very much amiga 😀 Hope you’re enjoying the nursing life xo

  11. Abramowitz says:

    you are seriously fukken funny.

    1. Shannon says:

      you are an individual with excellent taste.

  12. Michelle says:

    sensational swearing, tick. funny as a hat full of snapping arseholes blogs. tick. great recipes. tick. yep, subscribed. you are my 2015 hero. cheers

    1. Shannon says:

      That’s a big call to make in January but I’ll bloody take it. ❤

  13. Misty Lynn says:

    I lovvvvvve you!!!

  14. Sal says:

    I think I fucking love you great work!!

  15. Chippers says:

    Anyone who drops the C bomb with such delightful abandon whilst blogging such clever and funny thoughts is on my Xmas card list!

    1. Shannon says:

      Haha! I shall forward you my address some time in late November 😛

  16. i’m just finding your blog this week and it makes me laugh.
    your post on coconut oil. fucking brilliant all the way around.

    i blog . i let the fucks fly and land where they will. on occasion i get a nastygram from someone who doesn’t appreciate my language.

    i will NEVER understand why someone would bother to read my shit… follow my blog, my FB page, etc PURPOSELY take their typing finger hit follow annnnd then tell me they’re offended by my crudeness.

    move the fuck along! the internet is a big fucking place, find the neighborhood you feel comfortable at! fuck.

    1. Shannon says:

      Yes! The act of bothering to complain about something so unimportant and ineffectual is funny!
      Well put, Tracie.
      PS. I’ll be sneaking past your blog 😉

  17. Adelle says:

    So, I’m totally obsessed with food. In a good way not in a I’m only eating rice cakes today way. Also been frowned at, told off, finger wagged by the football dads for my ‘foul mouth’. How dare a fragile lil lady call the ref a cunt. For the record he was a massive cunt. Anyway, point being……found my home here. Yum, fuvking, yum.

    1. Shannon says:

      Haha! I love it. And I completely believe that the ref was a massive cunt and deserved to be told as such.
      ❤ x

  18. meg says:

    As an ex-chef, who loves to cook good food for my family (4kids) and happens to be an individual who once called a person a cock-juggling thundercunt, I feel like I’m home. You are one funny gal 😉😂

    1. Shannon says:

      I hope you don’t mind if I borrow cock-juggling thundercunt, Meg 😉

  19. Carlie says:

    Cooking and swearing go hand in hand in my kitchen. Subscribed – keep up the good work.

  20. Hello Sister, you have inspired me to cook, which I might add is something I usually hate. I agree about the 80/20 thing and my body is my temple Mon – Fri but on weekends it’s a god damn Fair Ground. I love the recipes and the witty humour and I’m glad I’m not the only foul mouthed Nurse in Aus !!!

    1. Shannon says:

      Haha! A ‘Fair Ground’, I love it. Party hard, amiga xx
      And cook on!

  21. Chris says:

    Absolute fucking comedy gold. I’m an Australian chef who has worked in some hot shot wellness retreats around the world and I have just shared this with all my chef friends. Collectively today our entire global company has done zero fuck all work as we’re too busy reading your blog and skyping each other choice morsels. Our group pastry chef is even called Shannon……

    JUST BLOODY AWESOME.

    1. Shannon says:

      Just so you know, you completely made my day when I read this!
      I hope the entertainment wasn’t the shitness of the recipes?! 😛
      If you have any fabulous recipes or ideas to share with me, message me on Shannon’s Kitchen facebook page! 😀 https://www.facebook.com/shannonskitchenaustralia

  22. gizzylizzy says:

    My husband and I laughed uproariously to your blog last night AND you’ve inspired him to cook. So win win for everyone. BTW I love a woman who can swear but still use grammar correctly and spell shit good n that. We will follow with interest…

    1. Shannon says:

      Lizzy, you had me at ‘spell shit good’. ❤

  23. Bende says:

    Can’t help to think that I love you. Well, at least I love your writing. Absolutely glorious. I’m a business developer focussing on food and nutrition for low-income people in Africa, Asia and South America. We talk about nutrition a lot, unfortunately often in a boring and slightly depressing way. Will point my colleagues towards your royal awesomeness. And perhaps borrow some of your boldness to spice up our own conversations.

  24. wateenbende says:

    Can’t help to think that I love you. Well, at least I love your writing. Absolutely glorious. I’m a business developer focussing on food and nutrition for low-income people in Africa, Asia and South America. We talk about nutrition a lot, unfortunately often in a boring and slightly depressing way. Will point my colleagues towards your royal awesomeness. And perhaps borrow some of your boldness to spice up our own conversations.

    1. Shannon says:

      Wow – that’s a big job, mate. Good stuff. I have spent time in Africa and South America and love those places and peoples very dearly. I hope you have great success ❤
      And, by all means, go balls deep on the boldness x

  25. You’re fucking tops ace mate.

    1. Shannon says:

      And you’re fuckin’ grouse as.

  26. sallymiranda says:

    Did you know what the holes in crocs are for? They’re so the last of your dignity can seep out. Great blog!

    1. Shannon says:

      Hahahaha! So true 😀

  27. holly says:

    Finally someone who speaks in the language of words that I can understand! Your a ledge xx

  28. keith B. says:

    After reading your blog notes, I felt I was reading my own writing. WTF? this woman can speak English and place the correct fucking words in the right order. Very good. When I see grown men wearing crocs, it tells me the end of the world is near. Hey when you say titties, don’t you mean french fries? The recipes sound good to me. Atlanta Ga USA

    1. Shannon says:

      Haha! Say no to crocs x

  29. Nichole says:

    Love the naughty language!!! I am also a foul-mouthed RN in Metro-Detroit, Michigan. I am also into nutrition since I found out I needed to eat gluten free about 4 years ago. I am in a master’s program too but for nurse practitioner. Sounds like we nurses love good food, higher education and bad language. Best wishes and keep up the fucking funny food blog!

    1. Shannon says:

      Congratulations and excellent choice in pursuing a nurse practitioner role! xx

  30. julesagray says:

    Fuck me–you write like I do but about food.
    I don’t trust people who don’t swear. there’s something off about them fuckers. I do love a fellow broad who swears like a longshoreman. Glad I stumbled upon this awesomeness.

    1. Shannon says:

      I don’t understand how people resist swearing?!

  31. Rhonda says:

    I’m having trouble printing from your web page. I’ve tried both with and without the “Fit to Page” setting on my printer, but either way the words run off the page. I use Chrome as my browser. Has anyone else reported this to you?

    1. Shannon says:

      No, I’m sorry this issue has not come up before. How awesome that you even want to print them off! I’m chuffed.
      I will ask my nerd husband his advice x

  32. Juha says:

    Maybe C and F words are banned where Rhonda lives… 🙂 Thanks Shannon for your fuckin’ great blog.

  33. Kate says:

    breath of fresh fucking air you are!

    From a dietitian who loves a ‘sneaky cheese (burger)’ and is sick of people taking healthy eating SO SERIOUSLY

    love your work

    1. Shannon says:

      Love to hear that, Kate! xx

  34. Syl says:

    Fucking awesome blog….you should have your own TV cooking show….I reckon the censor’s “bleep” button might get a good going over…

    1. Shannon says:

      The poor old bleeper would be fucked.

  35. Chris says:

    Shannon, your recipes are fucking inspiring to my sick, semen-infested scientific wanker mind and now I want to make a vile food blog of my very own from this very naughty gay nurse!

    Cuddles (and maybe more)!

    Chris xx

  36. Kate says:

    Anyone who can describe themselves: “because I’m a greedy cunt.” has my vote.
    Loving it…..its fresh, its daring and its fun 🙂

  37. Andrew says:

    I used to think the same thing, but the “80/20 rule” isn’t quite what you described, it actually means 80% of the results come from 20% of the effort. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pareto_principle
    Just a friendly heads up, & you’ve got a new follower =)

    1. Shannon says:

      Wasn’t referring to the Pareto principle but thanks anyway, sir!

  38. ben says:

    A good looking woman that swears like you is ugly as hell! you gained popularity for your language not your insights as everything you discuss has been discussed over and over again! disgusting use of language for no necessary reason, maybe you should join the Mad Hueys..the bogan market is huge!!

    1. Shannon says:

      I don’t see how the level of offence is relative to my gender or appearance. That suggestion pisses me off, quite frankly. If my language upsets you, then I suggest you do not read it, sir. It’s a food blog for fun, mate. It’s not a big fucking deal.
      P.S. I have no idea who the Mad Hueys are, but they sound grouse 😉

  39. emily says:

    Hi Shannon. I work for the magazine Women’s Health in the UK. I’m wondering if you can follow us on twitter as I would love to DM you about something exciting as we would love to work with you. thanks Emily x

  40. Pip says:

    Shannon you’ve married my two favourite things: conscious food (without being a total dick about it) and conscious swearing! I think you’re onto a winner. And if you haven’t offended somebody you’re not doing it right! So keep up the good work 🙂

  41. Mark Adams says:

    I fuckin’ love this site. Good work, keep it up and keep real, despite what Saint Ben of the Puckered Coit thinks. I saw Catherine Deveney’s link to it, you are a true classic.

    1. Shannon says:

      Haha! Saint Ben of the Puckered Coit, hahaha! So naughty ❤ Thanks Mark, you're a bloody champ.

  42. jadeoz63 says:

    Brilliant, took me back to another less p/c life, God I miss that…lol. You aren’t a re-incarnated ex Navy Chief Petty Officer Cook are you? Hahaha 😛

    1. Shannon says:

      Well I don’t get seasick.. so maybe?! 😉

  43. Malcolm McLean says:

    Firstly, I fucking hate swearing, unless it’s every 3rd word. Secondly, I love grub, hence being a fat bastard, and fucking thirdly, you’re fucking gorgeous. X

    1. Shannon says:

      I will try to keep my fucking swearing ratios spot on for you, mate.
      Welcome to Shannon’s Kitchen x

  44. sealy76 says:

    Haha! Who are you and where have you come from! I pissed myself laughing reading your “About” page. Can’t believe you’re a nurse (would love to see your bedside manner!) You’re hilarious and filthy and sweary and I think I love you 😊

    1. Shannon says:

      Haha! I’m quite sweet at work, believe it or not. I try to limit my use of the word cunt to once a shift 😉

  45. Rachel says:

    We surely must be sisters separated at birth…

  46. Tanya says:

    you’re pretty much the coolest woman alive. Besides me.
    Thank you for just being un-pretentious in a world full of assholes and do-gooders. Your recipes rock and I wish you every success!!!

  47. Annabel says:

    I’ll be a qualified nurse in five months (oh fuck I actually have to know stuff) and I also swear rather a lot… I can see myself turning into you haha

  48. Meg Bignell says:

    Oh my gawd you are absolutely hilarious. Sweary bloggers are the best. Thank you for the laughs. PS you think chopped cauliflower smells like farts? Try opening a jar of sauerkraut. Who the fuck farted?

  49. rtolhursttcm says:

    Hey Shannon, your writing and recipes are fuckin’ grouse. I’m a voodoo priestess & potion brewing sorceress (i mean acupuncturist and Chinese herbalist) and I reckon it would be absolutely fuckin’ awesome if us two health bitches could have a bit of a chat. If ya wanna check my blog out it’s over at https://northernlightshealth.com.au/acupuncture-melbourne-west/northern-lights-blog/
    Feel free to chuck us an email if ya reckon it’s up your alley 😉

    Cheers,
    Dr Bec (tcm)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s