We are starting to realise what we put in our mouths can harm us. And I’m not referring to munging on a diseased, scab-ridden set of genitals, I’m talking about food. Food can pump you full of awesome, or it can fuck with you.
I’m an Australian nurse who is balls deep in a Masters of Nutrition. I’ve personally experienced the change good food can make. After reducing sugar and processed shit, under the care of my doctor, I quickly went from having ovaries as dud as a pair of fucking Crocs* to being so fertile I produced a small human by bloody accident (let’s slow clap that doctor for forgetting to mention possibility of infertility reversal).
Despite the apparent revelation, I’m not a tossbag-food-saint. I eat burgers frequently (yes, even McDonalds, in fact, Ronald is a treasured and respected clown in my home), I drink (at times obscenely), and if I’m eating M&Ms you’re fucking damn right I selected the jumbo pack, because fuck you, that’s why. I subscribe to the 80/20 rule: 80% of the time, I make food choices that are excellent for my hotrod. 20% of the time, I’m an absolute prick to my body, and I say, “Body, take a backseat, you whinging cocksucker, it’s the tastebud’s turn to drive”.
I started creating my own healthy recipes in my kitchen when I grew tired of being porked up the ring by other ‘healthy’ food pages. They seemed so preachy and perfect. Quite frankly it chapped my fanny. Plus some of the recipes tasted like penis.
So, Shannon’s Kitchen is a place for family cooks to find inspiration for healthy meals that give the tastebuds the respect they fucking deserve. All content is punctuated with fruity language and inappropriate analogies. Anyone with feathers that easily ruffle will have to come to terms with that or should probably fuck off. You should know that I really like making jokes about penises. I once got told off over the loudspeaker at a petrol station for using the petrol hose as a makeshift pizzle and doing a cheeky little hump motion. “Bowser Three. Please don’t do that with the hose.” I was 26
So anyway, hi. Thanks for being here. Let’s cook some healthy shit without giving too many fucks.
*These are Crocs, and they are not ok.
P.S. Want to be one of life’s winners and have some good shit in your social repertoire? If so, join me on: