Rosie’s Greek Yoghurt Banana Muffin

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By now you know I fucking love cake. Most women have wet dreams about penis but I have wet dreams about cakes. If I had a choice between riding an amazing dick or riding a high-tea trolley you know which one I’d pick. I’m an animal. What’s handy for me about this recipe is that it’s a single portion — Lord knows I can’t be trusted with an entire cake and I’m only a few slices away from significant thigh chafe. Aside from addressing my greed, this mug cake addresses another issue I have: high cholesterol. It’s made from oats so my cardiologist would be giving me a high five. This easy, nutritious recipe is from Rosie Mansfield’s cookbook Food Hacker and no I didn’t steal it I bloody well asked first because I might be uncouth but I’m not a fucking menace. Ok, I’m a little bit of a menace.


INGREDIENTS: Serves 1

  • Coconut oil spray
  • 1⁄2 cup rolled oats
  • 2 tablespoons cacao powder
  • 1 teaspoon baking powder
  • 1 small pinch stevia (I used a little brown sugar instead because I’m revolting)
  • 1  pinch ground cinnamon
  • 1⁄2 banana, mashed
  • 2 tablespoons Greek-style yoghurt
  • 2 tablespoons oat milk (I used cow’s milk because I’d run out of oat milk. Ok, I’m fibbing, I never had oat milk)

Optional Toppers:

  • Greek-style yoghurt (I used coconut yoghurt because Greek-style yoghurt on sweets makes me cry)
  • Ricotta
  • Fresh berries
  • Sliced banana

DO IT:

Lightly grease a medium mug with coconut oil spray. (Look, Rosie, I’m not going to lie to you — I greased it with butter and I’m ok with it). For the love of peen don’t use a mug with metal on it because that son of a bitch is going in the microwave and the best kind of microwave cookery is the fireless kind.

Whack all the remaining ingredients into a blender and whizz the shit out of it until it’s smooth and well mixed. You might have the scrape the sides down once or twice. That’s the most complicated part of this easy as fuck recipe.

Plop batter into the mug and give your nipps a little tweaking.

Microwave for 2 minutes.

Did you decide on a cheeky topper? If so whack it on and EAT!


This recipe is from Food Hacker by Rosie Mansfield, published by Ebury Australia on 2 July 2018, RRP $29.99. Congratulations on a great book, Rosie!

Shannon x

Enjoy this silly business? Then you might love my brownies. They’re not healthy though, their focus is purely on goddamn flavour.


Feeling Like Sh*t Chicken Soup

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From my cookbook Shannon’s Kitchen: Healthy Food You’ll Actually F**king Eat!

Sometimes we get sick and we just bloody want a bloody cuddle from our mums and some goddamn chicken soup. When my second child was born he had to be sliced out. When the surgeon lifted him skyward like Simba from The Lion King, I expected the ‘Circle of Life’ song to start blasting – but all I heard was my fanny sigh with relief because it didn’t have to squeeze that giant human meatball out. My abdomen was less delighted with the situation and I was feeling about as fresh as a pair of balls three days into a music festival. As soon as Mum came in and asked what she could do for me I put my hand up for chicken soup. This soup is a saviour cos it’s pretty light on the tummy. It’s friggin’ tasty too – this son of a bitch’s herb and spice usage would impress Colonel Sanders. It takes a bit of time to make but it’s worth it. It’s kind of like pho meets Grandma-style chicken soup.

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(as you can see, some fuck-giving is required)


Ingredients: Serves 4-6

  • 1 tablespoon butter (or fat of your choice)
  • 2 onions, roughly chopped
  • 1 stalk lemongrass, roughly chop the white, part and piff the rest
  • 3 long red chillis, roughly chopped
  • 6 cloves garlic, roughly chopped
  • 6 square cm ginger, roughly chopped
  • 6 star anise
  • 6 cloves
  • 1 cinnamon stick
  • 2 tablespoons coriander seeds
  • 1 medium whole raw chicken
  • 12 cups (3 litres) water
  • 1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
  • 2 tablespoons fish sauce
  • Juice of 1 lemon (or lime)

To serve:

  • Rice noodles, soaked in boiling water until soft
  • Fresh coriander
  • Lemon (or lime) wedges
  • Optional – zucchini, peeled into noodles

DO IT:

Heat a soup pot over a high heat, add in some butter and then fry up the onion, lemongrass, chilli, garlic and ginger for a few minutes. Now plonk the star anise, cloves, cinnamon stick and coriander seeds in the pot and give it a quick stir. The poor chook goes in next. Cover it with the water and pour in the apple cider vinegar.

Bring this to a boil, then turn the heat down so it’s just simmering, and leave it for 1.5 hours.

Pull the chicken out. It might fall apart like Carrie Bradshaw did EVERY SINGLE TIME Big left her so don’t let a chunk of it slip out of your mitts and fall on the floor. Place it on a plate and pull the meat off the bones and put aside, then return the bones to the pot to boil away for another 2 hours.

When those bones have had enough time to flavour and nourish the stock, pour the stock into a large bowl through a sieve, to catch all the chunky bits, then return the clear stock back to the pot and add in the fish sauce and lemon juice.

To serve, place cooked rice noodles and chicken (and zucchini if you’re greening it up) in the base of each bowl and pour the stock over the top. Sprinkle with fresh coriander and whack a lemon wedge on top.


If you like the look of this tasty as fuck soup, you’ll love the rest of the book – check it out here.

Love,

Shannon x

HUNGRY FOR MORE? Read about my Chocolate Salty Balls


Easy as F**k Brownies

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So, what we have here is pretty much butter and sugar which is why it tastes so goddamn excellent. There’s a time and a place to pull our dicks about nutritious foods but baking brownies is not that time. I was once health focused enough to try a famous blogger’s sweet potato brownies and they tasted not entirely dissimilar to anus. As I chomped into that sticky square of sadness, my lip curled up in shock and horror (the same way it did when I first tasted semen), and I promised myself I would never disgrace the brownie name again. And I haven’t. These Easy As Fuck Brownies are indulgent—if you eat too many of course you’ll end up with thigh chafe and a gallstone—but as a little treat every now and then, well… get balls deep in them, they’re lovely.


INGREDIENTS:

125g butter, melted

125g dark chocolate, melted

1 cup almond meal

1/4 cup cocoa (or cacao)

1/4 teaspoon salt

3/4 cup brown sugar (or you can use 1/2 cup maple syrup if that tickles your fancy)

3 eggs, lightly whisked


DO IT:

Preheat your oven to 170C.

Stir the melted butter and chocolate together. While they’re still warm and gooey, chuck the rest of the ingredients in and give it all a stir until it’s combined.

Pour batter into a buttered and lined 20cm x 20cm slice tin.

Bake for around 30-40 minutes. You’ll know it’s cooked when it’s slightly cracked on the top and if you insert a skewer that fucker comes out clean as a whistle.

Sadly, you have to cool this giant delicious tin of excellence completely before slicing. My thoughts are prayers are with you while you wait.

Once cool, slice it up into tasty little squares and store in the fridge. Be prepared for unexpected erections on tasting (nipple, clitoral and penile – the brownies do not discriminate).


If you dig this recipe, then of course you’ll dig my inappropriate cookbook, Shannon’s Kitchen: Healthy Food You’ll Actually F**king Eat. Check it out here.

Also, take a peek at these Sweet Potato & Oat Bars that DON’T taste like bottom.

Shannon x


Chicken Satay

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‘You can, ah… you can give it a little rub if you like,’ said the dear, weak old man mid bed-bath. He was my patient, I was his nurse. He was talking about his dick, which I was about to wash. I don’t know why old men delude themselves into thinking young nurses have a sexual fever that can only be cured by handling ageing knobs but they sometimes give it a fucking go. Good on them, I suppose. ‘Oh mate, they barely pay me enough to wash the damn thing, let alone tug it.’ He nodded graciously in  understanding and we went about our usual business and chatted about the weather and politics. Bless him, but dry old sausage is just not that enticing, and neither is a dry old satay, so this recipe is a most and tasty one. But flavour and moisture alone won’t get us to old age. So I eat healthy shit like this Chicken Satay because one day I want to be an old tart soliciting crotch touches of my own. Enjoy.


INGREDIENTS: Serves about 4

THE SATAY SAUCE BIT:

  • 1 tablespoon peanut oil
  • 3 birdseye chillis, finely chopped (less if you don’t like spicy shit)
  • 2 cloves garlic, finely chopped
  • 2 tablespoons honey
  • 5 tablespoons peanut butter
  • 1 tablespoon tamari
  • 1 tablespoon fish sauce
  • 1 cup (250ml) coconut milk

OTHER BITS:

  • 1 tablespoon peanut oil
  • 1 onion, diced
  • 500g chicken thighs, chopped into bite-sized chunks
  • 2 zucchini, cut into half moons
  • 1 head broccoli, cut into florets
  • 1 bunch pak choy, roughly chopped

TO SERVE:

  • Cooked brown rice

DO IT:

  1. Heat a saucepan over medium heat, and plonk in the peanut oil, then add in the chilli and garlic and fry up for a minute or so. Pour in the honey and peanut butter and stir it round and get it all melty. Then add in the tamari, fish sauce and coconut milk and whisk it until it’s combined.
  2. Heat a wok over high heat, and place the peanut oil in. Get the onion in there and fry until transparent and slightly golden. Then chuck the chicken, zucchini and broccoli in and fry for about 5 minutes (or until chicken and vegetables are cooked to your liking) then throw the satay sauce and pak choy in and cook until it wilts (about a minute).
  3. Serve atop cooked brown rice and say a little prayer for all the poor nurses out there having to dodge old dick at work.

This is an extract from SHANNON’S KITCHEN: Healthy Food You’ll Actually F**king Eat which is in bookstores around Australia and is available online from a fuckload of retailers such as: ME/Shannon/The Shandogg, Booktopia, Dymocks, Angus & Robertson and, Readings.

The Book Depository offer INTERNATIONAL SHIPPING.

Thanks legends!

Shannon x


A little love for my foreign homies

Once upon a time, I was in a foreign land and drank myself to oblivion. The sort of drinking that normally ends up in hospitalisation, sexually transmitted infections or shaved eyebrows. However, the next day—as I awoke snug as a bug wrapped in the shower-curtain I’d inadvertently torn down and used as a duvet—I felt fresh as a daisy. On top of the world. Ready for action. The reason? I was still shit-faced. Even as I sobered up throughout the day, the beautiful sights and the wonderful people I encountered were enough to keep me chuffed as fuck. I love our planet and the people around it. There are readers of Shannon’s Kitchen from all over the world, and I’m bloody delighted to tell you that a retailer is shipping copies of my very inappropriate cookbook internationally and they charge ZERO for shipping. I don’t know how the fuck that is possible given Australia is at the arse-end of the world. Perhaps they’re stapling books to whales’ backs and hoping for the best? Maybe they’re tying them to empty beer cans and willing them to float their way to you? I have no idea. Anyway, if you fancy a copy of Shannon’s Kitchen: Healthy Food You’ll Actually F**king Eat here’s the link, friends.

bookontable

My foreign homies: Buy this piece of awesomeness HERE and please keep helping the stupid drunk Aussie girls.


Jaffa Zero-Cheese Cheesecake

This is an extract from my cookbook Shannon’s Kitchen: Healthy Food You’ll Actually F**king Eat! Available to order here.


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This cheesecake leaves me reminiscing over mine and Mr Shannon’s engagement. The fucker had planned it beautifully. We were holidaying on a gorgeous island, he had a vintage ring, he had champagne, and had arranged for a helicopter ride to a white, sandy beach. But the night before this magical day was supposed to happen, we went out for burgers, wine and cheesecake. And we got pissed. Real pissed. We came home happy as fuck at silly o’clock, and I took my bra off, lay down and rubbed my bursting tummy. Mr Shannon’s face became weird. ‘Do you need a shit?’ I asked him. He mumbled something and then disappeared. I assumed he went off to lay a cable that would impress Telstra. He reappeared a few minutes later and knelt beside the bed where I was laying like a bloody dugong, overstuffed with food, bubbleguts on parade. And that was the moment he chose to say, let’s do forever. What a pair of flogs. I wouldn’t have it any other way though, neither of us were built for romance. It was a fabulous night and it sure was a fucking fabulous cheesecake. This healthy Jaffa Zero-Cheese Cheesecake is too.


INGREDIENTS:

BASE:

1 cup macadamias, roasted

1 cup desiccated coconut

2 tablespoons cacao powder

10 Medjool dates, pitted

2 tablespoons melted coconut oil (or melted butter)

1/2 teaspoon salt (if your macadamias are salted you won’t need this)

CHEEKY TOPPER:

2 cups raw cashews, soaked the fuck out of in water for 6+ hours (this makes them whip up smoother)

2 oranges (we’ll use the zest and the juice)

1/2 cup coconut cream

1/4 cup maple syrup

2 tablespoons coconut oil

OPTIONAL

1 teaspoon orange essence. If you want a stronger orange flavour, add this in. I don’t, but you totally fucking can

Melted chocolate to drizzle on (I make it out of 1/2 tablespoon maple syrup, 1 tablespoon melted coconut oil and 2 tablespoons cacao powder)


DO IT:

  1. Get all the base ingredients into the food processor. Tell that appliance there’s no room for laziness on this team and set it to turbo super max power. You might have to stop every now and then and scrape the sides down and re-rev that son of a bitch.
  2. Grease a 20cm spring-form cake tin. Smooth all the tasty base into the bottom and make it flat, then pop it in the fridge.
  3. Next you’re making the topper. You might want to give the food processor a bit of a rinse (or you could be a lazy fuck like me, then you can just dump the next load in there if you’re cool with brown poo-like streaks).
  4. Grab your drained cashews, orange juice, orange zest, coconut cream, maple syrup and coconut oil and get all that sweet shit into the food processor. Set it to off-its-tits mode again. To make it super smooth and creamy you will have to whizz it for several minutes, with a few intermissions to scrape the sides down.
  5. TIME TO UNITE BASE AND TOPPER! Get the base out of the fridge and smooth the orange goo on top, make it nice and pretty. It actually looks quite ugly, doesn’t it? But you can pretty it up with melted chocolate if you give a fuck.
  6. Now to play the painful waiting game. That delicious creation has to go back in the fridge to chill and set for a few hours before slicing and dicing that tasty motherfucker. Post-cheesecake engagements are optional.

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Love,

Shannon x

Shannon’s Kitchen: Healthy Food You’ll Actually F**king Eat is available in bookshops around Australia and in e-book form from 2 April 2018. FUCK YEAH! Click here to order so Shannon doesn’t have to start sucking willies for a living. 


Gingerbread: Healthy’ish but not heinous

Gingerbread

Healthy eating can pretty much stay the fuck away from Christmas. Let’s be honest. But these gingerbreads are a more nutritious version that DOESN’T suck a giant back of festive dicks. More fiber as a holiday treat for your rectum and less sugar to keep those clean eating fucks out of your grill. Don’t give this shit to Santa though, that poor bearded bugger needs the proper gear. The man deserves sugar, he has jobs on. Never mind that he’s a bit chubby in patches, he needs pure fuel so don’t jerk that red fucker around. Although just quietly I reckon if Santa had a choice of white powders to sustain him for his worldwide delivery mission… sugar wouldn’t be the winner. Anyway, if you want to give this healthy’ish gingerbread a go, here’s how:


Ingredients:

1 cup rolled oats

1 1/2 cups SR flour (gluten-free works fine, and I use it because I’m a tool)

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1/2 teaspoon ground ginger

1/4 teaspoon nutmeg

1/2 teaspoon baking powder

125g (1/2 cup) softened butter. YES. Fucking butter. Not margarine or coconut oil

1/4 cup maple syrup

5 pitted Medjool dates (those juicy fresh ones, not the shrivelled-up-dried-teste ones)

1 teaspoon vanilla extract


DO IT:

– Pre heat your oven to 160C.

– Get your trusty food processor out and whack in the oats and dates. Zoom that fucker until it’s all powdery.

– Now add in the cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, flour, baking powder and just give it a little whizzing to combine.

– Next, add in the softened butter, vanilla extract and maple syrup. Whack the food processor on again. It’ll all smoosh together to a firm’ish dough.

– Once it’s all united, place the dough between two pieces of baking paper and roll it out to about 1/2 centimetre thick. Then use little cookie-cutter thingos to make adorable shapes that will delight your eyeballs.

– Pop those cute little fuckers on a baking tray lined with baking paper and bake for about 20 minutes. Look for them turning a light golden brown and smelling so grouse your nipps begin to tingle.

– Cool them on a rack. If you fancy, you can decorate them with some icing. I let my kids do it because I enjoy pushing my nerves to their last frazzling point. See?

GingerbreadDecos

Merry Christmas, ledgebags!

Love, Shannon x

P.S. My cookbook is being re-stocked for Christmas, preorder now.

P.P.S. Like this recipe? Here’s another for Apple & Oat Muffins.


RESTOCKING Shannon’s Kitchen: Healthy Food You’ll Actually F**king Eat for Chrissie

Hello petals, I’ve been running around like a psycho hose-beast trying to get more books printed in time for Christmas delivery.

AND I’VE BLOODY DONE IT. It’s a Christmas miracle.

They’ll arrive with a bees dick of time left for me to ship them to their new homes (Australia only, there’s no fucking time for international shenanigans).

You can pre-order here.

LIMITED COPIES because the idea of posting thousands of books the week before Christmas fills me with nothing but HORROR. I would rather hook my nipps up to an electrical current. Or maybe that wouldn’t be so bad? I’m not sure if would be tingly good or tingly bad. Thoughts? Anyway, regardless of the aforementioned tingles, I haven’t ordered many books so don’t piss-fart around if you want one.

Shannon x


SWEET POTATO AND OAT BARS

SweetPotatoOatBars

Healthy food doesn’t need to be complicated shit. Detox smoothies? Don’t be silly, my liver takes care of that shit. Bulletproof coffee? That’s flog-talk, I’ll save the butter for my toast, thanks. Superfood supplements? Yeah, nah, I reckon I’ll just have this apple instead. It’s about eleventy-five-million dollars cheaper and doesn’t taste like a penis dipped in lawn clippings. Too many of us are over-thinking healthy eating and being lured in to diet culture because it’s fucking everywhere. Social media is dripping with it. And some of the people peddling it are jokers who got their their nutrition training from Captain Google. To them I say: “Stop pullin’ ya dick, go to school, and quit being silly,” and I sniff out an expert like The Nutrition Guru & The Chef. They’re a no-nonsense team comprised of a university qualified nutritionist and a chef who promote healthy eating without the mind-fuckery. Here’s one of their winning recipes: Sweet Potato & Oat Bars.


Ingredients: 

– 2 cups of almond meal (or spelt flour/wholemeal plain flour)

– 1/2 cup rolled oats

– 1/2 cup sultanas

– 1 teaspoon cinnamon

– 2 teaspoons baking powder

– 1 1/2 cups grated sweet potato, skin included (washing the fucking dirt off first is advised)

– 4 eggs

– 1/4 cup olive or coconut oil

– 1/3 cup honey or maple syrup (The Nutrition Guru tells me this is optional, SURELY SHE JESTS, as if we’re skipping the sweet stuff)

Do it:

– Pre heat your oven to 180C

– Grease a 20cm x 20cm baking tin and line that son of a bitch with baking paper

– Whack the almond meal, oats, sultanas, baking powder and cinnamon in a large bowl and stir the fuck out of it

– Add the grated sweet potato to the mixture and, again, stir the bejesus out of it

– In a separate bowl, whisk the eggs lightly. Then add the oil to the eggs and feather-touch whisk again to incorporate those bad-boys

– Pour that eggy-goo into the mixture, then add the honey/maple syrup

– Stir the shit out of it all

– Plonk the mixture into the baking tin and smooth it out

– If you’re a flash-fuck you may wish to give it a cheeky sprinkle with seeds/crushed nuts for decoration

– Bake for 30 minutes, until golden-brown and a skewer inserted into the middle comes out clean as a whistle

– Remove from oven and leave in tin to cool

– Slice it up and congratulate yourself with a nipple tweaking


Love Shannon x

P.S. Want more treats? Try my Chocolate Salty Balls and check out more from The Nutrition Guru & The Chef. They won BUPA Healthy Eating Blog of the Year. Bloody champs.

P.P.S. Don’t forget my cookbook drops in a couple of weeks! Order here (legends only, no dickheads).


Shannon’s Kitchen: The Cookbook PRE SALE IS OPEN!

It’s bloody HAPPENING.

Pre-order is OPEN*.

My vulgar little book baby is coming in early December 2017. Santa is high-fiving me right now and I’m not going to lie to you, I totally deserve it. 

60 recipes (healthy breakfasts, main meals, sweets/snacks) with a shitload of silly stories, excessive cursing and new heights of erection discussion (both peen and nipple, I don’t discriminate). Hopefully lots of you buy this, because otherwise I may end up pimping out my anus and I have haemorrhoids so that could be quite dangerous. I don’t want to be found dead with descended pantaloons laying in a pool of my own arse-balloon blood. So be a dear, and please buy my book. You will be DELIGHTED**. To secure a copy, head here.

Love,

Shannon x

*I built the website myself so if it buggers up, look.. I’m sorry.

**If you tend to be offended by crude language or discussion of ballsacks/rooting/bodily fluids of all types then perhaps do not proceed, just stick with Donna Hay.

P.S. If you are too povo to afford pre-ordering this book, send me an email (shannon.kelly.white@gmail.com) and I will order extra copies and give you first option to buy. And if you don’t follow through and buy it I WILL come to your home and urinate in your pot plants.