Chocolate Peanut Butter Mousse with Salted Caramel Ooze

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You might want to find yourself some duct tape, because you’re going to have to tape down your erectile tissue. Shit’s gonna happen when you taste this. The inspiration for this dish came from one of my favourite restaurants in Melbourne, where their signature dessert is “Peanut Butter Parfait, Salted Caramel & Soft Chocolate”. Fuck. It’s amazing. It’s completely worth being fat for. However, is it worth being a diabetic with oozing leg sores for? Not so much. So, I set about recreating it in a healthy way. Now, stay with me – the guts of this dish is avocado. Avo-fucking-cado. But fret not – that fucker is masked with cacao, coconut, dates and glorious-would-love-to-smear-myself-in-it peanut butter. Then top that cheeky amalgamation with oozey, sticky, salted caramel (the nectar of the gods). To finish it off: it has more salty nuts on it than a bus seat. The result is more satisfying than I imagine Jamie Foxx to be.


Ingredients: (serves 2)

Mousse:

– 2 teaspoons chia seeds

– 2 tablespoons coconut milk

– 1/2 a ripe avocado

– 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

– 4 tablespoons CoYo (coconut yoghurt)

– 8 fresh Medjool dates (soaked in boiling water for 10 minutes, then drained)

– 4 teaspoons cacao powder

– 4 tablespoons peanut butter

– a generous sprinkle of salt

***** you may need to add a teaspoon or two of maple syrup/honey/rice malt syrup/coconut nectar/whatever

Salted Caramel Ooze:

– 1 cup coconut milk

– 2 teaspoons butter (you can use coconut oil if butter offends you)

– 10 fresh Medjool dates, (chopped very finely and soaked in boiling water for 10 minutes, then drained)

– 2 tablespoons maple syrup

– 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

– a considerable sprinkle of salt, to taste

– a handful or two of roasted salted peanuts, chopped to top


How to produce this duct-tape worthy dish:

– let’s get our mousse ready. It’s a piece of piss

– soak the chia seeds in the coconut milk for about 10 minutes. By then it will resemble a specimen of elephant semen and that is just what we want

– as usual, the food processor is our labourer. Simply put all the ingredients (the avocado, elephant semen, vanilla, CoYo, dates, cacao, salt and peanut butter) in there and give it some shit until the consistency is as smooth as Clooney. Give it a taste – does it need the maple syrup? If so, add it in and blend again. Then divide it between two suitable receptacles and pop it in the fridge to chill

– ooooooh, it’s salted caramel time. Place the coconut milk, butter, dates, maple syrup and vanilla into a saucepan and bring to the boil, then turn it down to low for a few minutes so it thickens up like a pregnant woman’s ankles

– those dates in the caramel are brilliant but they add some lumps, so you might want to whizz that shit in the blender to make it smooth, then stir in the salt (don’t be stingy on the salt – you’re only shortchanging yourself)

– now pour that ludicrous salted caramel ooze onto the mousse, top with the peanuts and fucking devour it


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I have erect tissue just writing about this,

Shannon x


Fluff-Cakes: Flourless Pancakes

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In my quest for healthy comfort food, I have tried some ‘healthy’ pancake recipes. Like the one that is just eggs and bananas. Tried that. They’re ok, but they’re not fucking pancakes. They’re eggs, with banana in it. It’s just fucking offensive. I hate being lied to. Don’t put a banana on my plate with a bit of fucking egg in it and tell me it’s a fucking pancake. That’s what shits me about a lot of ‘healthy’ food pages. The recipes taste like fucking healthy food, and don’t get me started on the textures. It angers me. So I harnessed my pancake-rage and turned it to focus. I got Mum on the blower, “give it to me straight, Mum, what’s in those crack-cakes you call pancakes”. Turns out it was fuckloads of sugar, butter, eggs and flour. No wonder they’re so delicious. I played around with it, and tested it on my unsuspecting toddler (sucks to be him). This is where we are at – and people: it’s good. The texture isn’t flawless, but they’re healthy, tasty, fluffy and easy. I’m not fucking with you.


Ingredients:

– 1 1/4 cup almond meal (if you’re not gluten-free, use 1/4 cup wholemeal flour in lieu of the extra 1/4 cup almond meal, for extra fluff)

– 3/4 teaspoon baking powder

– 1/4 teaspoon salt

– 3 eggs

– 1/4 cup coconut milk (or whatever milk you fancy)

– 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

– 1 tablespoon coconut oil (or macadamia oil or melted butter)

– 2 tablespoons honey


Get fluffin’:

– get yo’ fuckin’ blender out

– pop all the wet stuff in the blender and whizz it until it’s combined

– now get your dry bits in on the action

– whizz it for a minute or so. In fact, whizz the shit out of it

– get a frypan heating up over a medium heat

– now, when it comes to greasing the ol’ frypan, you have a couple of options. The superior flavour option is without a doubt, fucking butter. But, coconut oil is pretty good too. I use butter because I’m dirty and excellent

– pour the batter into the pan making pancakes of about 8cm diameter. Don’t be tempted to make them too big, because, like a heavy rooting partner, they’ll be too hard to flip

– the downside of these little champs is that they burn easily. So keep an eye on the little pricks. They’ll need turning in 1-2 minutes. The other side will cook pretty quick so just watch

– now serve those Fluff-cakes up nude, or with maple syrup, or with fruit. Put fucking cream and jam on them if you want, it’s in your hands


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I’m on your team, fluffballs.

Truthfully yours,

Shannon x


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