Chocolate Peanut Butter Mousse with Salted Caramel Ooze

chocolatepeanutbuttermousse

You might want to find yourself some duct tape, because you’re going to have to tape down your erectile tissue. Shit’s gonna happen when you taste this. The inspiration for this dish came from one of my favourite restaurants in Melbourne, where their signature dessert is “Peanut Butter Parfait, Salted Caramel & Soft Chocolate”. Fuck. It’s amazing. It’s completely worth being fat for. However, is it worth being a diabetic with oozing leg sores for? Not so much. So, I set about recreating it in a healthy way. Now, stay with me – the guts of this dish is avocado. Avo-fucking-cado. But fret not – that fucker is masked with cacao, coconut, dates and glorious-would-love-to-smear-myself-in-it peanut butter. Then top that cheeky amalgamation with oozey, sticky, salted caramel (the nectar of the gods). To finish it off: it has more salty nuts on it than a bus seat. The result is more satisfying than I imagine Jamie Foxx to be.


Ingredients: (serves 2)

Mousse:

– 2 teaspoons chia seeds

– 2 tablespoons coconut milk

– 1/2 a ripe avocado

– 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

– 4 tablespoons CoYo (coconut yoghurt)

– 8 fresh Medjool dates (soaked in boiling water for 10 minutes, then drained)

– 4 teaspoons cacao powder

– 4 tablespoons peanut butter

– a generous sprinkle of salt

***** you may need to add a teaspoon or two of maple syrup/honey/rice malt syrup/coconut nectar/whatever

Salted Caramel Ooze:

– 1 cup coconut milk

– 2 teaspoons butter (you can use coconut oil if butter offends you)

– 10 fresh Medjool dates, (chopped very finely and soaked in boiling water for 10 minutes, then drained)

– 2 tablespoons maple syrup

– 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

– a considerable sprinkle of salt, to taste

– a handful or two of roasted salted peanuts, chopped to top


How to produce this duct-tape worthy dish:

– let’s get our mousse ready. It’s a piece of piss

– soak the chia seeds in the coconut milk for about 10 minutes. By then it will resemble a specimen of elephant semen and that is just what we want

– as usual, the food processor is our labourer. Simply put all the ingredients (the avocado, elephant semen, vanilla, CoYo, dates, cacao, salt and peanut butter) in there and give it some shit until the consistency is as smooth as Clooney. Give it a taste – does it need the maple syrup? If so, add it in and blend again. Then divide it between two suitable receptacles and pop it in the fridge to chill

– ooooooh, it’s salted caramel time. Place the coconut milk, butter, dates, maple syrup and vanilla into a saucepan and bring to the boil, then turn it down to low for a few minutes so it thickens up like a pregnant woman’s ankles

– those dates in the caramel are brilliant but they add some lumps, so you might want to whizz that shit in the blender to make it smooth, then stir in the salt (don’t be stingy on the salt – you’re only shortchanging yourself)

– now pour that ludicrous salted caramel ooze onto the mousse, top with the peanuts and fucking devour it


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I have erect tissue just writing about this,

Shannon x


Whipped Kiwi & Mango Layers

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What happens when a mango, a banana and a kiwi have a three-way, while coconut yoghurt stands by, panting, cheering and clapping? Dangle in a couple of macadamia nuts, and: awesomeness, that’s what happens. Rather than loitering on the sidelines like perverts, potassium, magnesium, Vitamin A, C and E all get in on the action too. They’re right in there. What if I told you some Omega-3 fatty acids heard about the erotic gathering and wanted an invitation? Don’t let the word ‘fatty’ put you off, these chia-seed sisters are alright. Be serious and give those sheilas the green light. What a nice little party we are getting! But, in a situation like this, you could understand one’s hindquarters being a smidge nervous. Things are heating up, and an anal rampage could be on the agenda. Don’t worry, little rump, this concoction will only result in things coming out of you. Factor in the yoghurt’s healthy bacteria, the magnesium and oodles of fibre, and you’ve got yourself a big ol’ shit brewing. Fantastic.

Now, is it a dessert or a breakfast? Completely your call. It’s bloody tasty enough to be a dessert, but it’s healthy and satisfying enough to qualify as a breakfast. It tastes like a holiday, and I don’t mean it tastes like refluxed alcohol mixed with a stranger’s spit – it tastes like a tropical dream. It feels so naughty, but it is oh so nice.


Ingredients:

– 1/2 cup mango

– 1 kiwifruit (I prefer the gold ones, but green is fine)

– 2 Medjool dates (fresh)

– 1 banana, sliced (you can omit this if you wish, but it’s a tasty addition)

– 1 tablespoon chia seeds

– 4 tablespoons coconut milk (this is to soak the seeds in, you can use water instead or normal milk)

– 1/2 teaspoon vanilla essence

– 1/2 cup coconut yoghurt

– little handful roasted macadamias

– 1 teaspoon desiccated coconut

– a wee drizzle of honey


Get Layin’:

– pop your little chia seeds into the coconut milk for a soaking. Let them enjoy that little bath for about 10 minutes. They’ll soak it up and get all gelatinous and weird

– Mr Blender, get out here. Bang the mango, kiwifruit, dates, vanilla and soaked chia seeds in there and give it a zoom

– now, let the laying commence. Alternate layers of the fruit brew with sliced banana and coconut yoghurt

– when those ingredients are spent, chop up your macadamias and sprinkle them over the top, along with the petite portion of desiccated coconut. Finish that classy number off with a teeny drizzle of honey

– pop it in the fridge, the chia seeds will continue to draw in the fluid so that it firms up even more. It will be happy to go in a couple of hours, or sit overnight and wait for a breakfast rendezvous


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Tropically yours,

Shannon x


Fluff-Cakes: Flourless Pancakes

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In my quest for healthy comfort food, I have tried some ‘healthy’ pancake recipes. Like the one that is just eggs and bananas. Tried that. They’re ok, but they’re not fucking pancakes. They’re eggs, with banana in it. It’s just fucking offensive. I hate being lied to. Don’t put a banana on my plate with a bit of fucking egg in it and tell me it’s a fucking pancake. That’s what shits me about a lot of ‘healthy’ food pages. The recipes taste like fucking healthy food, and don’t get me started on the textures. It angers me. So I harnessed my pancake-rage and turned it to focus. I got Mum on the blower, “give it to me straight, Mum, what’s in those crack-cakes you call pancakes”. Turns out it was fuckloads of sugar, butter, eggs and flour. No wonder they’re so delicious. I played around with it, and tested it on my unsuspecting toddler (sucks to be him). This is where we are at – and people: it’s good. The texture isn’t flawless, but they’re healthy, tasty, fluffy and easy. I’m not fucking with you.


Ingredients:

– 1 1/4 cup almond meal (if you’re not gluten-free, use 1/4 cup wholemeal flour in lieu of the extra 1/4 cup almond meal, for extra fluff)

– 3/4 teaspoon baking powder

– 1/4 teaspoon salt

– 3 eggs

– 1/4 cup coconut milk (or whatever milk you fancy)

– 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

– 1 tablespoon coconut oil (or macadamia oil or melted butter)

– 2 tablespoons honey


Get fluffin’:

– get yo’ fuckin’ blender out

– pop all the wet stuff in the blender and whizz it until it’s combined

– now get your dry bits in on the action

– whizz it for a minute or so. In fact, whizz the shit out of it

– get a frypan heating up over a medium heat

– now, when it comes to greasing the ol’ frypan, you have a couple of options. The superior flavour option is without a doubt, fucking butter. But, coconut oil is pretty good too. I use butter because I’m dirty and excellent

– pour the batter into the pan making pancakes of about 8cm diameter. Don’t be tempted to make them too big, because, like a heavy rooting partner, they’ll be too hard to flip

– the downside of these little champs is that they burn easily. So keep an eye on the little pricks. They’ll need turning in 1-2 minutes. The other side will cook pretty quick so just watch

– now serve those Fluff-cakes up nude, or with maple syrup, or with fruit. Put fucking cream and jam on them if you want, it’s in your hands


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I’m on your team, fluffballs.

Truthfully yours,

Shannon x


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Chilli Prawn Zasta

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We have a dish in my house that just solves problems. Feeling tired? Prawn pasta. Feeling cranky? Prawn pasta? Feeling so hungry you could eat the jocks of a plump man who has just done 100 squat-thrusts? Prawn fucking pasta. But it came at a cost: that fucker was full of butter, wheat pasta, and cream. Holy shit. I could not give up on its other healing powers, though. So I got in that kitchen with determination, and turned that unhealthy son-of-a-bitch into a healthy, hearty, warming meal that leaves you with zero guilt. No bloody worries, mates. Oh, and P.S. Zasta is ‘zucchini pasta’. Feel free to applaud my cleverness. I did.


Ingredients: (serves 2 small eaters or 1 greedy-guts)

-150g raw prawns (get shelled ones – don’t be silly)

– 3 tablespoons coconut cream

– 1 tablespoon lemon juice

– 2 cloves of garlic, minced (or 2 tsp of the already crushed stuff)

– handful of chopped flat-leaf parsley

– 1 birdseye chilli, finely chopped

– 1 tsp coconut oil (or whatever but it’s bloody tasty)

For the Zasta:

– 2 zucchinis. These scallywags need to be cut into pasta-like strips. You can do this with a julienne peeler; or with a knife and fucking patience; or a fancy spiralizer. If you’re confused, google ‘zucchini pasta’

– 2 tsps coconut oil (or butter)


How to solve your problems:

– get one frypan heating up over a medium heat and pop the oil in

– when that’s ready, throw in the garlic and let it have a little sizzle

– bang your prawns in and give them a good flick around, they’ll get all coated in the garlic, yessssssssssssssss

– now get your chilli in on the action and stir that too. Let that all mingle for a couple of minutes

– when the prawns have just turned opaque, add in the parsley and the coconut cream

– while the prawns are bubbling away for a couple of minutes, get another frypan heating up to make your zasta. Get the oil in there and when it’s hot, throw in those zucchini strips and sauté for a minute or two (you want it so that it resembles cooked spaghetti) so use your judgement and get it out and into a bowl as soon as it’s done

– back to our prawns. These little bastards cook pretty quickly so they’ll be ready by now. Add in your lemon juice. Have a taste. Does it need more lemon juice? Any salt? If so, bang it in. You want your tastebuds to exclaim “Jesus, dude, you have got it going on tonight”

– that’s it. Get your prawns on top of your zasta and make sure you get some of that creamy sauce on there. Levels of wetness matter

– love it


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This one excites me, people. It’s revo-fuckin-lutionary in my house.

Shannon x


Cherry Ripe Smoothie

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The inspiration for this breakfast smoothie came from an obvious place: a delicious friggin’ cocktail (“The Cherry Ripe” – a cheeky and unpretentious combination of Chambord, Baileys and coconut milk). Please note I mean no disrespect to the chocolate bar “Cherry Ripe” as it has a very special place in my heart also. This smoothie shares something with the chocolate bar, however: it contains no cherries. The name is bullshit. But the flavour, well, sir, that is the business.


Ingredients:

– 1 cup frozen raspberries

– 1 teaspoon cacao powder

– 100ml coconut milk

– 100-150ml water (depending on how thick you like it)

– 1 scoop chocolate or vanilla protein powder


Get Ripe:

– chuck everything in a blender and give it some shit


Pop it,

Shannon x


Nuts for Apples

NutsForApples

The number one priority for any human snacker is taste. Unless you’re a freaky food-saint who “really just loves plain almonds and green tea and carrot sticks”. If you are one of those freaky food-saints, then go away, because nobody likes you. So, we have established taste as number one priority. Next is health, followed by ease. Let’s deliver on this trifecta: here is a fucking tasty, healthy, easy snack – Nuts for Apples. I didn’t invent this combination, but I sure do love it.


Ingredients:
– one fresh, sweet apple (Pink Lady is a grand choice)
– 1/3 tablespoon peanut butter
– 2/3 tablespoons almond butter
(Whatever, really. Like more peanut butter than that? I don’t give a fuck, have more. “Oh that’s too much fat, that’s silly business”, suit your damn self, cut back and feel superior. You’re the master of your own snacking).


Go Nuts:
– slice up yo’ apple
– mix up your nut butters
– dip and go, motherfuckers, dip and go


Stay classy, friends
Shannon x


Tart-Easy Salmon Dinner

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Like that dirty close-up? A bit tarty, yeah? Those pink bits looks delicious. I don’t know why tarts cop flack. Who doesn’t love easy every now and then? Buffoons, that’s who. Well, easiness is fabulous at dinnertime too. But this dinner doesn’t compromise nutrition for ease, it sucks nutrition in balls-deep and takes it to the max. “Fuck health”, I hear you say, “talk to me about flavour”. Well then, enter: the irresistible tartness of lemon, the crunch of cheeky pine nuts, sneaky sesame and the wonder that is garlic.


 Ingredients: (serves one)

– 1 small salmon fillet

– 1/3 cup brown rice (1/2 cup if you’re hungry)

– 1/2 capsicum, sliced

– 1/4 tomato cubed (more or less, tomato can be polarising)

– 1/4 diced onion if you can be fucked with the tears

– a few handfuls of chopped baby spinach

– a couple of chopped asparagus spears to amuse yourself and disturb those living with you who may encounter your odorous urine

– 1 clove of garlic

– 1 teaspoon coconut oil (or whatever oil you like: macadamia, olive)

– a few drops sesame oil

– juice of half a lemon

– 1 tablespoon pine nuts


Get your tart on:

– get that brown rice boiling. Remember it takes 25-30mins

– oven: get him cracking at 180

– now take out that pink, delicious bit of salmon, drizzle it with some of that lemon juice and wrap it up in a roomy foil bed and lay it on the baking tray

– pop it in the oven for about 10 minutes then get it out of there

– when the rice is almost done, get your oil heating over a medium heat in a frypan

– whack in the garlic, capsicum, asparagus and onion in for a bit of a fry-up, keep giving it an occasional stir

– after a couple of minutes, pop in the tomato (unless you vetoed it)

– after a couple of minutes add in the salmon, give it a little pull apart before whacking it in, and then let the cooked brown rice join the party

– ohhhhh, hello tarty lemon. How you doin’? Feel like sharing your tartness and wetness with the others? Of course you do, you’re a giver. Go on, get in there too

– stir that all, then bang it in a bowl

– drizzle on the sesame oil, and sprinkle those pine nuts on

– that’s it


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Shannon x


Jazzed-Up Eggs

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Eggs. Little beauties! They pack in protein and fats, vitamins and minerals – afterall, they contain everything it takes to transform a tiny embryo into an adorable chick! Luckily, we eat the non-fertilised variety, so they are free of rooster jizz/tiny baby chicks, phew. Kids don’t always like ’em though, so here is a way to jazz them up, whilst packing in calcium AND vegetables. Win!


Ingredients: (makes 2 patties)

– 1 egg, lightly beaten

– 2 tablespoons grated cheese

– one handful shredded baby spinach (or whatever the hell you fancy sneaking into your junior)

– 1/2 tablespoon cream

– butter/olive oil to grease the rings (teehee) and pan


Let the jazzing commence:

– in a mug, combine the egg, cheese, spinach and cream and give it a stir. My toddler loves to help with this. It blows his mind watching the egg crack and he loves to stir

– get your frypan heating up over a low heat, then whack in your butter/oil. My toddler loves to handle scolding hot frypans but child protection laws and common sense prevent me from allowing it

– grease up those two sweet egg-rings

– spoon in the egg mixture evenly into the rings

– cooking time will vary on the heat of your stovetop, so keep an eye on them and flip those cheeky dogs when they’re ready. (Mine takes around three minutes each side on a low heat setting)

– voila! Jazzed up eggs, fuckers!


Eggcellently yours,

Shannon x


Barramundi & Goat-Smile-Rice

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Fish, wholegrains, vegetables: talk about a gold-star dinner. After eating this, you can feel as smug and self-assured as Tom Selleck’s moustache. You’re superb and doing the right thing. Barramundi is such a tasty fish, and quinoa and brown rice are such healthy winners, and the addition of goats cheese to them is just lovely. Although goats cheese looks like an unfortunate cervical scraping, it has a gorgeous, creamy flavour. Plus, when it melts it isn’t sticky (unlike the aforementioned scraping). In this meal you’ll get omega-3, heaps of protein, vitamins (including the energy-poppin’ B group), minerals, fibre, phytonutrients including antioxidants, and god damn fucking flavour. Would I lie to you?


Ingredients: (the wholegrain-vegetable dish will serve around 4, depending on hunger levels and Pumbaa-affinities. Don’t fear leftovers though, it refrigerates well. Hakuna matata)

– 1 onion, diced

– 2 cloves of garlic, finely chopped

– 1 tablespoon chopped fresh thyme

– 1/2 teaspoon ginger finely chopped

– 1/2 cup uncooked brown rice, rinsed

– 1/2 cup uncooked quinoa, soaked and rinsed

– 3 giant handfuls of baby kale, chopped (or spinach)

– 1/4 pumpkin, in bite-sized cubes

– 2 capsicum (whatever colours you like) cut into large strips

– about 100g good quality goats cheese

– 2 tablespoons lemon juice

– olive oil

– 2 tablespoons butter, if you dare

– fillets of barramundi (for however many you’re cooking for)


 How to be upper-lip-gracing-great:

– get your oven roaring on 180

– pour some olive oil in a roasting tray and bang it in the oven to heat up. The volume of oil? Well, that depends on you and your quest/contempt for grease. I won’t judge you either way

– sneak the tray out and place the pumpkin and capsicum in, making sure to give them a good coat in the oil, then into the oven they go for about 30-40 minutes (keep an eye on those bastards)

– get your brown rice cooking, that stuff is tough going (check the packet for cooking times, will be around 25 minutes)

– after ten minutes or so, get your quinoa on the boil (check the packet for cooking times, probably around 15 minutes)

– get a frypan warming over a medium heat with that butter, then chuck in the barramundi fillets. They need about 4-5 minutes per side

– we want to use those fishy flavours for the whole-grain dish. So when the fish is cooked, get it on a plate and cover with foil so it stays toasty warm and conserve that fishy-pan

– if the frypan doesn’t look juicy enough, add a little more butter or olive oil, get it back over a medium heat, then get the garlic, ginger and onion in there, and be prepared for that trio to spit at you like an angry camel

– when the onion has browned, get the kale in on the action. Give this a minute or so

– next, the grains. Invite the cooked brown rice and quinoa into the frypan. Give it a stir and turn down the heat to low

– are your roast vegetables ready? Well, get those bad-boys in on the action. The capscium will need a bit of a choppin’ before it goes in the pan

– look how colourful and beautiful that looks. Celebrate by pouring the lemon juice in!

– now it’s time to say cheese, goat-cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeese

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– the heat will melt that creamy cheese and make the whole dish go bleating mad and awesome. Have a taste. Does it need more oil? If so drizzle a little olive oil on there. Does it need salt? If so, crack a little on

– now serve up that tender, tasty barramundi up with a large helping of the quinoa-rice and hook into it like the champion you are


 Brilliant,

Shannon x


Quinoa & Roast Vegetable Brew

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Quinoa is a gem. A wholegrain that is high in protein, fibre, minerals, vitamins AND flavour. This cheeky dish utilises cinnamon which warms it beautifully and really brings a grand flavour. It is more satisfying than punching a dickhead in the chops. Healthier too!


Ingredients: (serves 4 as a side-dish)

– 1 cup uncooked quinoa

– 1 capsicum, cut into strips

– 1 small sweet potato cut into bite-size chunks

– about 2 inches off an eggplant, cut into bite-size chunks

– 2 handfuls of baby kale or spinach, chopped

– 2 tablespoons desiccated coconut

– oil for roasting (coconut, olive, macadamia, whatever!)

– butter or oil for cooking the eggplant

Dressing for the Brew:

– 2 teaspoons chopped thyme

– 1/4 red onion, finely chopped

– 1 teaspoon cinnamon

– 2 tablespoons oil (I use coconut, use whatever you like)

– 2 tablespoons lemon juice

*** if you’re serving this with a roast or a pan-fried meat, utilise 2 tablespoons (or more!) of juice from the cooked meat***


How to get your Brew on:

– get the oven blaring on about 200

– get some nice oil in a roasting tray and pop in the oven for 5 minutes to heat up

– pop your sweet potato and capsicum into the hot oil and bang it back in the oven. Depending on your idea of a ‘bite-size chunk’, these vegies should cook in around 25-30 minutes.. but you’re the judge, so keep an eye on them

– rinse the quinoa well and then get it boiling in a saucepan (2 parts water to 1 part quinoa), it will take 15 or so minutes depending on the grain type (the packet should tell you!)

– the eggplant is best cooked in some butter (or oil) in a frypan, so get it going. Stir it often so it doesn’t burn and so it gets beautifully, evenly soft, and all sides are nicely browned

– while shit’s cooking, make up the dressing. Just mix together the oil, lemon juice, cinnamon, onion and thyme. Smell that stuff, good yeah?!

– now when everything is cooked (hopefully around the same time, but no big deal) mix it all together in a large bowl with the fresh kale/spinach and desiccated coconut

– pour the dressing over this brew and give it the tossing of a lifetime, then add in some salt and give it a bit of a stir

– if you’re serving this up with meat, conserve a couple of tablespoons of the meat ooze and pour it on this beautiful quinoa brew

– serve this bad boy warm


Quinoa, you’re alright,

Shannon x