Fluff-Cakes: Flourless Pancakes

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In my quest for healthy comfort food, I have tried some ‘healthy’ pancake recipes. Like the one that is just eggs and bananas. Tried that. They’re ok, but they’re not fucking pancakes. They’re eggs, with banana in it. It’s just fucking offensive. I hate being lied to. Don’t put a banana on my plate with a bit of fucking egg in it and tell me it’s a fucking pancake. That’s what shits me about a lot of ‘healthy’ food pages. The recipes taste like fucking healthy food, and don’t get me started on the textures. It angers me. So I harnessed my pancake-rage and turned it to focus. I got Mum on the blower, “give it to me straight, Mum, what’s in those crack-cakes you call pancakes”. Turns out it was fuckloads of sugar, butter, eggs and flour. No wonder they’re so delicious. I played around with it, and tested it on my unsuspecting toddler (sucks to be him). This is where we are at – and people: it’s good. The texture isn’t flawless, but they’re healthy, tasty, fluffy and easy. I’m not fucking with you.


Ingredients:

– 1 1/4 cup almond meal (if you’re not gluten-free, use 1/4 cup wholemeal flour in lieu of the extra 1/4 cup almond meal, for extra fluff)

– 3/4 teaspoon baking powder

– 1/4 teaspoon salt

– 3 eggs

– 1/4 cup coconut milk (or whatever milk you fancy)

– 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

– 1 tablespoon coconut oil (or macadamia oil or melted butter)

– 2 tablespoons honey


Get fluffin’:

– get yo’ fuckin’ blender out

– pop all the wet stuff in the blender and whizz it until it’s combined

– now get your dry bits in on the action

– whizz it for a minute or so. In fact, whizz the shit out of it

– get a frypan heating up over a medium heat

– now, when it comes to greasing the ol’ frypan, you have a couple of options. The superior flavour option is without a doubt, fucking butter. But, coconut oil is pretty good too. I use butter because I’m dirty and excellent

– pour the batter into the pan making pancakes of about 8cm diameter. Don’t be tempted to make them too big, because, like a heavy rooting partner, they’ll be too hard to flip

– the downside of these little champs is that they burn easily. So keep an eye on the little pricks. They’ll need turning in 1-2 minutes. The other side will cook pretty quick so just watch

– now serve those Fluff-cakes up nude, or with maple syrup, or with fruit. Put fucking cream and jam on them if you want, it’s in your hands


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I’m on your team, fluffballs.

Truthfully yours,

Shannon x


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Jazzed-Up Eggs

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Eggs. Little beauties! They pack in protein and fats, vitamins and minerals – afterall, they contain everything it takes to transform a tiny embryo into an adorable chick! Luckily, we eat the non-fertilised variety, so they are free of rooster jizz/tiny baby chicks, phew. Kids don’t always like ’em though, so here is a way to jazz them up, whilst packing in calcium AND vegetables. Win!


Ingredients: (makes 2 patties)

– 1 egg, lightly beaten

– 2 tablespoons grated cheese

– one handful shredded baby spinach (or whatever the hell you fancy sneaking into your junior)

– 1/2 tablespoon cream

– butter/olive oil to grease the rings (teehee) and pan


Let the jazzing commence:

– in a mug, combine the egg, cheese, spinach and cream and give it a stir. My toddler loves to help with this. It blows his mind watching the egg crack and he loves to stir

– get your frypan heating up over a low heat, then whack in your butter/oil. My toddler loves to handle scolding hot frypans but child protection laws and common sense prevent me from allowing it

– grease up those two sweet egg-rings

– spoon in the egg mixture evenly into the rings

– cooking time will vary on the heat of your stovetop, so keep an eye on them and flip those cheeky dogs when they’re ready. (Mine takes around three minutes each side on a low heat setting)

– voila! Jazzed up eggs, fuckers!


Eggcellently yours,

Shannon x


Honeyed Carrots for your Honeys

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Now, I’m not pretending to be some sort of a genius who invented honeyed carrots. I’m not. I’m just putting them on your radar for your little human. Mine loves these. He will eat an entire carrot cooked this way. So will my deviant husband. They are like insatiable little rabbits, giving those poor carrots a right old munching. But I can’t blame them – these carrots are delicious. Frying vegetables may seem a little weird-o. But at a lowish temperature, it will retain more nutrients than boiling them. Win! So, here we go:


 Ingredients:

– 1 carrot cut into thin sticks

– 3 teaspoons of butter

– 2 teaspoons honey


 Makes those carrots tops:

– melt the butter in a frypan over a low-medium heat

– whack the carrot sticks in and fling them around in that lovely butter. They will take around 4 or 5 minutes to cook. But titrate the cooking time to however your wee one likes their vegies

– when the carrots are almost cooked, add the honey and give the carrots a chance to have a delightful little baste in those sticky, sweet juices. You want the honey to take on a slight caramelised texture

– get them out of the frypan and onto a plate and into that little persons belly


 Everyone’s happy!

Shannon x

P.S. Please remember that honey is not recommended for bubs under 12 months as it can contain harmful bacterium spores.


Turkey Splats

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Quick, healthy, tasty, friggin’ easy. The Pamela Anderson of meals. Actually, she’s probably not technically ‘healthy’. But let’s move on, STDs and toddler meals lacks a certain congruence. So, the turkey. Lean, flavoursome, and cheap (I’m trying to move on from Pammy, I swear). It’s lovely. Add in undetectable vegetables, nutritious egg, and whole-grains, and you have yourself a well-balanced and well-received meal for tiny humans. So grab yourself some turkey and get splatting.


 Ingredients (yields about 10):

– about 100g turkey mince

– 1/3 carrot, grated

– small handful chopped baby spinach leaves

– 1 small egg

– 2 tablespoons bread crumbs

– 2 tablespoons cooked brown rice

– 1 teaspoon honey

– a baby size blob of butter


 And the turkey goes splat:

– smoosh everything together, merge that shit

– make meaty little balls, about the size of a golf-ball

– get that cute little blob of butter melting in a frypan over a medium heat

– chuck your balls into the frypan and make them go splat. Cook for a few minutes. Flip it regularly so it doesn’t char up too much for your wee one

– fling them out and onto a plate. You can serve them alone (as they contain vegetables, carbs and protein!) or in a bun, or with extra vegetables if you want to scam your tiny human


 Easy is goooooooooood,

Shannon x


Healthified Baked Baby Custard

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Baked custard is hardly revolutionary, but removing the rude sugar makes it a nutritious option rather than a ‘treat’. It is far tastier than it’s commercial counterparts, which also contain artificial colours and flavours (even the ‘baby’ ones – not good for revving your little terrors up!) and it is more creamy and obscene than Prince.  Plus, it is truly so easy.


 Ingredients for a single serve:

– 1/6 cup milk (if you want a dairy-free option or a tropical escape use coconut milk)

– 1/6 cup cream (dairy free? Try coconut cream)

– 1 egg yolk

– 1 teaspoon maple syrup

– 1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract

– optional: fruit, such as banana


 Catch the packet custards later:

– get your oven going on 170

– combine the milk, cream, egg yolk, maple syrup and vanilla extract in a bowl and whisk until combined

– if you want to add fruit, cut it up and line the bottom of a very small, ceramic ramekin

– pour the mixture into the ramekin

– put the ramekin in a baking tray and surround it with boiling water (to about halfway up the ramekin)

– bake for around 30 minutes

– allow to cool before presenting this to your baby – clearly that ramekin will be bloody hot!

– pray that your baby doesn’t finish the custard so you can (it won’t happen)


 Bye bye sugar! You’re a dick,

Shannon x


The Ultimate Roast Potatoes

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It’s time to be bad. Roast potatoes: the ultimate way to gain the respect and adoration of those around you, through the power of the golden crunchy outer, and juicy soft inner. Overdo it and you could find yourself with so much crunch you chip a tooth. Too soft and you might as well be sucking on a soggy old titty. You have to get it right. These cheeky devils can’t be passed off as a health-food, so let’s do this properly and really focus, and make this treat worth it. Give these god damn potatoes the respect they deserve.


 Ingredients:

– golden delight potatoes (as many as you want)

– lots of good quality olive oil

– salt to season


 Roast those puppies like a champion:

– your oven needs to get cranking to 210C

– peel those dirty little potatoes, and cut them into large chunks. Even if they look at you funny, don’t be tempted to overdo the cutting, or they will be excessively crisp. It’s not worth it

– place them in a saucepan, cover them with water and a little salt and get those buggars boiling. Boil them for 20-30 minutes. You want them soft, but not falling apart like Carrie Bradshaw when Mr Big dumped her for the millionth time

– dig out your baking tray and add the olive oil into it. You want the base of the tray covered with oil like some sort of bikini-clad wrestler. Put this in the oven for 5 minutes to heat up

– when the potatoes are soft, drain them. Now, here is the important part: return the potatoes to the saucepan, over a low heat and let them dry off for a minute. This is what will make them really crisp up. Give the saucepan a gentle shake, to rough their surface up ever so slightly

– remove the baking tray from the oven, and place the potatoes into the hot oil, turning them over so they are each coated in that sensual grease. They love it.

– bang into the oven for 35 minutes. Then pull it out and turn the potatoes, and then return them from whence they came for another 25 minutes or so. Keep checking them. They cannot be trusted. They will make an arsehole out of you if you let them.

– when they have a gorgeous, golden hue, take them out of the oven. Season them lightly with a good salt. In fact, drop a load of salt on those bad boys like a friggin’ dump-truck.

– no sane, good human can resist an amazing roast potato. So if they do, be highly suspicious and consider maiming them for the good of our species


 Happy roasting, friends. Enjoy the naughtiness – the dark side is pretty good every now and then,

Shannon x


Banana-Date Bonanza Cakes

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Once upon a time, I was abroad and had to piss in one of those ‘hole in the floor’ toilets. The ground surrounding it was epically, disturbingly moist. I was nervous about getting others’ (and my own) urine on my pantaloons, so I fully removed my pants and hung them on the back of the door. Genius move, Shannon, I smugly thought. WRONG. I neglected to lock the fucking door and some poor bastard opened it to find me naked from the waist down pissing in a hole. So, moisture isn’t always welcome and can lead to mayhem. But in the case of these ripping little cakes, it is welcome and wonderful. I love these cakes, and there’s fuck all added sugar in these little blighters, thanks to the ultimate power couple: Banana and Date. This winning duo produces a caramel flavour that is irresistibly grouse, and adds minerals, vitamins, fibre and phytonutrients. These are fucking winners, people.


 Ingredients:

– 2 overripe bananas

– 1/4 cup coconut oil

– 15 dates

– 1/2 teaspoon bicarb soda

-1/4 cup boiling water

– 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

– 2 tablespoons maple syrup

– 2 eggs, lightly beaten

– 1 1/2 cup almond meal

– 1/2 teaspoon salt

– 1/2 cup rolled oats

-1 tablespoon chia seeds

– 1/2 teaspoon baking powder


  It’s bonanza time:

– bang the oven on at 160C

– pit and chop the dates. Pop them in a mug and sprinkle the bicarb soda over them. Then pour over the boiling water. Allow to sit for 5 minutes

– combine the bananas, coconut oil, vanilla extract, maple syrup in a food processor and give it a good whizzing. Then add in the date mixture, chia seeds and oats and re-whizz. Then stir the eggs through this sloppy, sweet goo

– in a large bowl, combine the almond meal, salt and baking powder.

– pour in the juicy goo and give it a stir

– line a muffin tin with those cute little muffin papers, then spoon the mixture in. Fill them to the top as they will not rise. They are not Jesus. You’ll get between 10-12 muffins out of the brew

– cook those delicious little fellas for 18-20 minutes. The top should look lightly golden and if you insert a skewer it will come out clean, despite the cakes feeling quite soft to the touch. Leave them in the tin for 5 minutes then pop on a cake rack to cool their jets

– get them in your belly or that of your little human


 This one excites me, people.

Shannon x


Tuna Pasta with Greeny-Bits

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Move over, Spaghetti Bol, you are yesterday’s bread. And not just because you make our children’s shit smell positively worse than shit. You can bugger off because this lovely guy here is packed with fabulous fats like omega-3, to keep those little cheeks chubby and those bodies and brains growing healthily. The best bit about this meal? It is as easy as having a (stinkless) shit.


 Ingredients:

– Cooked pasta (whatever your little human loves)

– one small tin (95g) of cooked tuna in spring water, water drained (unless you want it to be like some freaky soup. Perhaps your kid has been naughty and they deserve it, I don’t know)

– 1/4 avocado, smooshed

– 2 tablespoons of cream (you may need more, just go by feel)

– tiny, little, baby, iddy-biddy portion of minced garlic

– a handful of baby spinach leaves finely chopped (or baby kale or something else green)

– small dob of butter


 How to move on from the stinky Spag Bol shits:

– boil up your little possum’s pasta

– melt the butter over a low-med heat and add the garlic for a cheeky little fry

– chuck in your spinach and tuna, until the spinach wilts slightly and the tuna is warmed through

– next stir in the cream and avocado

– turn off the heat

– serve it all up to your crazy kid

– prepare for your little human to have cat breath. But it’s worth it.


 Can it get any easier?!

Shannon x


Double Olive Vegetables

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The war between little humans and vegetables is long standing. Let’s outsmart those obnoxious little punks and make vegetables so damn tasty the feud will end. I felt positively outrageous the first time I fed my small son olives. He made a face that made him look possessed, yet he accepted them so readily. Olives have become a frequent feature in his diet. Those cheeky little suckers are rich in phytonutrients, good oils and antioxidants. And they make your child look hilarious when eating them! Winner!


 Ingredients:

– 2 tablespoons very finely chopped eggplant

– 2 tablespoons grated sweet potato or carrot (really you can put in any vegetable you want)

– 10 shredded baby spinach leaves

– 4 olives, pitted and finely sliced

– 1 teaspoon olive oil

– a wee little smidgen of minced garlic

– 1 tablespoon cream


 End the war:

– heat the olive oil over a low heat

– add that ridiculously cute small portion of garlic into the oil for a wee fry

– pop all the vegetables in and stir frequently, allow to cook for around 5 minutes

– pour in the cream, stir, and turn off the heat.

– serve up those sneakily tasty vegetables with some meat if desired!

– allow hilarity to ensue


 Young person olive face = brilliant,

Shannon x


Cheesey Love Biscuits

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This recipe was adapted from one I found far too crumbly and dry. Although this sneaky snack is for kids, that crumbliness pissed me off. These biscuits have a light crunch and a slightly gooey inner sanctum. And who can resist a gooey inner sanctum, I ask you?! Cheese can be contentious, and I try not to overdo it, but you can’t deny its value in providing calcium and protein to busy little bones. Cheesey Love bickies are a handy snack, and my tiny human loves munging on these bad boys. Here we go:


 Ingredients:

– 1/2 cup self-raising flour

– 1 and 1/2 cup grated cheese (loosely packed)

– 50g soft butter

– tiny itsy bitsy sprinkle of garlic salt (omit if you so desire!)

– you can also pop in some dried herbs like rosemary, chilli, whatever your wee one fancies


 Cheesify your love:

– preheat oven to 190

– mix all ingredients together with your hands. Let’s be clear – this is a prick of a job. You really have to squeeze that shit and force those ingredients to be lovers. But once they fuse, baby, it’s all good

– sprinkle a little flour over a breadboard and roll out that dough (to around 0.5cm thick). It can be a little cranky and crumble somewhat, but don’t be disheartened

– use a love-heart shape-cutter (or stars, ducks, circles, I’m not completely fixated on the hearts however it will ruin the name which upsets me) to cut the biscuits and lay them on a baking paper covered tray, and bake for around 8 minutes, maybe more (they should be golden)

– when cool pop them in the hands of your little one and soak up that Cheesey Love


 Happy munching,

Shannon x