A little bit of good

It’s been a week and a half since the Notre Dame burnt in Paris. But you know what? That lovely pointy fucker can be rebuilt. You know what can’t be rebuilt? Australia’s Great Barrier Reef. So for the next five days I’m going to donate $5 from every sale at shannonskitchen.shop to the Great Barrier Reef Foundation and do a little bit of good for a very big marvel.

Have a beautiful day,

Shannon x


THE SMARTEST THING I’VE EVER DONE FOR MY HEALTH

“Hmmmn, was it exercising? You know, a bit of huffy-puffy to get that ol’ heart pumping like buggery?” Nope. Exercise makes me feel like a more coherent and less bloodied version of Rocky Balboa, but nope. “Ooh, ooh, was it adding spirulina to your diet?” That pond scum shit?! Heavens to Betsy, no. “Maybe it was utilising lube for anal relations?” A helpful addition, but no.

It was seeing a counsellor.

Everyone has shit happen and sometimes grief smacks us on the chin like an overenthusiastic, inconsiderate ballbag — maybe you’ve suffered a loss; maybe you’ve got chronic pain; maybe depression has sneaked into your life like a shadow; maybe you’ve been let down; maybe you’re the one who has been a bit of an arsehat. Or maybe you’re just struggling.

“You’re so brave seeing a counsellor!” a well-meaning person chimed. Huh? It’s not brave, it’s just bloody sensible! If some revolting mystery rash turned up on your skin you’d go see a dermatologist (or perhaps consult your Little Black Book for likely offenders). If your eyes are getting old as sin and you have to hold menus 1.7 metres from your face to be able to read them you’d go see an optometrist. So if you could use some help to navigate the lows of life then see a counsellor/psych! And don’t be ashamed about it — it’s a very clever thing to do. Your mental health is so very, very valuable.

Shannon Kelly White 4_photo by Kate Dyer

Photo by the lovely Kate Dyer.


The tastiest buttercream frosting

Frosted Penny

I must be prudent and begin with a caution: this buttercream frosting recipe contains more butter than you’d need to grease John Candy’s entire naked body. Yep, it has zero respect for your organs BUT it has maximum respect for your tastebuds. So let’s do it.


INGREDIENTS: (to ice a standard cake)

  • 125g salted butter, softened but not melted (heavens to Betsy, not melted! And don’t use margarine. As I say in my cookbook, margarine tastes like a dildo and gets a firm no from me)
  • a wee splash of vanilla extract (I use 1 or 2 teaspoons)
  • 2 cups icing sugar (for chocolate frosting add in powdered cocoa to taste)
  • 2 tablespoons milk (or cream if you want maximum nipple stiffening)
  • salt to taste

DO IT:

Place the softened butter in a mixing bowl and add the vanilla extract.

Now get your electric beaters out. Good heavens, you need electric beaters for this, don’t try to do it by hand like a peasant — even The Rock’s guns couldn’t stir this hard and fast enough to make it smooth.

Mix the butter and vanilla on low speed and slowly add the icing sugar. Once it’s mostly combined you can pump up the jam to medium-high speed and whizz it around for a minute or so.

Now add in the milk (or cream if you chose to be a nipp-wizard) and beat until combined.

Dip your finger in (JESUS! Turn the beaters off first, you silly goose! You need your fingers for all sorts of things) and taste it. Is it smooth? If not re-beat. Is it too thick? Then add more milk and re-beat. Does it need a little salt? That’s right, champ, sprinkle some in and re-beat.

Now you can spread that tasty mix on a cake or a consenting adult’s skin.

Apply bandaids to your nipples to prevent chafing because when you taste this the exceptional flavour will generate a strong stimulus and your nipples will become erect and may chafe as they rub upon your garments.


Yours in buttery goodness,

Shannon x

P.S. Shannon’s Kitchen is set for some exciting newness! Please subscribe to keep your finger on the the pulse.

P.P.S. Let’s balance this sugary business out with some nutritious Chicken Satay.


THANK YOU, CHAMPS!

In early August, I put a shoutout on my Instastories saying I would donate $10 from each sale of Shannon’s Kitchen that day to Buy a Bale. After all, it’s been a pretty shit time for many Aussie farmers.

Well, people went balls deep! I was up till 2am packing orders. The next day my arms were so tired I wouldn’t have even been able to say yes to an invitation to pull a Hemsworth whistle; I could’ve barely lifted a cocktail frankfurt let alone Thor’s almighty junk.

But it felt so good making a big donation so I continued to donate $2 from every copy sold for the rest of August.

In total, $950 was donated to Buy a Bale. That’s a shitload of hay for hungry animals — so thank you so much for the support of Shannon’s Kitchen, you’re good eggs.

Love,

Shannon x

bookontable


Rosie’s Greek Yoghurt Banana Muffin

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By now you know I fucking love cake. Most women have wet dreams about penis but I have wet dreams about cakes. If I had a choice between riding an amazing dick or riding a high-tea trolley you know which one I’d pick. I’m an animal. What’s handy for me about this recipe is that it’s a single portion — Lord knows I can’t be trusted with an entire cake and I’m only a few slices away from significant thigh chafe. Aside from addressing my greed, this mug cake addresses another issue I have: high cholesterol. It’s made from oats so my cardiologist would be giving me a high five. This easy, nutritious recipe is from Rosie Mansfield’s cookbook Food Hacker and no I didn’t steal it I bloody well asked first because I might be uncouth but I’m not a fucking menace. Ok, I’m a little bit of a menace.


INGREDIENTS: Serves 1

  • Coconut oil spray
  • 1⁄2 cup rolled oats
  • 2 tablespoons cacao powder
  • 1 teaspoon baking powder
  • 1 small pinch stevia (I used a little brown sugar instead because I’m revolting)
  • 1  pinch ground cinnamon
  • 1⁄2 banana, mashed
  • 2 tablespoons Greek-style yoghurt
  • 2 tablespoons oat milk (I used cow’s milk because I’d run out of oat milk. Ok, I’m fibbing, I never had oat milk)

Optional Toppers:

  • Greek-style yoghurt (I used coconut yoghurt because Greek-style yoghurt on sweets makes me cry)
  • Ricotta
  • Fresh berries
  • Sliced banana

DO IT:

Lightly grease a medium mug with coconut oil spray. (Look, Rosie, I’m not going to lie to you — I greased it with butter and I’m ok with it). For the love of peen don’t use a mug with metal on it because that son of a bitch is going in the microwave and the best kind of microwave cookery is the fireless kind.

Whack all the remaining ingredients into a blender and whizz the shit out of it until it’s smooth and well mixed. You might have the scrape the sides down once or twice. That’s the most complicated part of this easy as fuck recipe.

Plop batter into the mug and give your nipps a little tweaking.

Microwave for 2 minutes.

Did you decide on a cheeky topper? If so whack it on and EAT!


This recipe is from Food Hacker by Rosie Mansfield, published by Ebury Australia on 2 July 2018, RRP $29.99. Congratulations on a great book, Rosie!

Shannon x

Enjoy this silly business? Then you might love my brownies. They’re not healthy though, their focus is purely on goddamn flavour.


Feeling Like Sh*t Chicken Soup

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From my cookbook Shannon’s Kitchen: Healthy Food You’ll Actually F**king Eat!

Sometimes we get sick and we just bloody want a bloody cuddle from our mums and some goddamn chicken soup. When my second child was born he had to be sliced out. When the surgeon lifted him skyward like Simba from The Lion King, I expected the ‘Circle of Life’ song to start blasting – but all I heard was my fanny sigh with relief because it didn’t have to squeeze that giant human meatball out. My abdomen was less delighted with the situation and I was feeling about as fresh as a pair of balls three days into a music festival. As soon as Mum came in and asked what she could do for me I put my hand up for chicken soup. This soup is a saviour cos it’s pretty light on the tummy. It’s friggin’ tasty too – this son of a bitch’s herb and spice usage would impress Colonel Sanders. It takes a bit of time to make but it’s worth it. It’s kind of like pho meets Grandma-style chicken soup.

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(as you can see, some fuck-giving is required)


Ingredients: Serves 4-6

  • 1 tablespoon butter (or fat of your choice)
  • 2 onions, roughly chopped
  • 1 stalk lemongrass, roughly chop the white, part and piff the rest
  • 3 long red chillis, roughly chopped
  • 6 cloves garlic, roughly chopped
  • 6 square cm ginger, roughly chopped
  • 6 star anise
  • 6 cloves
  • 1 cinnamon stick
  • 2 tablespoons coriander seeds
  • 1 medium whole raw chicken
  • 12 cups (3 litres) water
  • 1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
  • 2 tablespoons fish sauce
  • Juice of 1 lemon (or lime)

To serve:

  • Rice noodles, soaked in boiling water until soft
  • Fresh coriander
  • Lemon (or lime) wedges
  • Optional – zucchini, peeled into noodles

DO IT:

Heat a soup pot over a high heat, add in some butter and then fry up the onion, lemongrass, chilli, garlic and ginger for a few minutes. Now plonk the star anise, cloves, cinnamon stick and coriander seeds in the pot and give it a quick stir. The poor chook goes in next. Cover it with the water and pour in the apple cider vinegar.

Bring this to a boil, then turn the heat down so it’s just simmering, and leave it for 1.5 hours.

Pull the chicken out. It might fall apart like Carrie Bradshaw did EVERY SINGLE TIME Big left her so don’t let a chunk of it slip out of your mitts and fall on the floor. Place it on a plate and pull the meat off the bones and put aside, then return the bones to the pot to boil away for another 2 hours.

When those bones have had enough time to flavour and nourish the stock, pour the stock into a large bowl through a sieve, to catch all the chunky bits, then return the clear stock back to the pot and add in the fish sauce and lemon juice.

To serve, place cooked rice noodles and chicken (and zucchini if you’re greening it up) in the base of each bowl and pour the stock over the top. Sprinkle with fresh coriander and whack a lemon wedge on top.


If you like the look of this tasty as fuck soup, you’ll love the rest of the book – check it out here.

Love,

Shannon x

HUNGRY FOR MORE? Read about my Chocolate Salty Balls


Easy as F**k Brownies

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So, what we have here is pretty much butter and sugar which is why it tastes so goddamn excellent. There’s a time and a place to pull our dicks about nutritious foods but baking brownies is not that time. I was once health focused enough to try a famous blogger’s sweet potato brownies and they tasted not entirely dissimilar to anus. As I chomped into that sticky square of sadness, my lip curled up in shock and horror (the same way it did when I first tasted semen), and I promised myself I would never disgrace the brownie name again. And I haven’t. These Easy As Fuck Brownies are indulgent—if you eat too many of course you’ll end up with thigh chafe and a gallstone—but as a little treat every now and then, well… get balls deep in them, they’re lovely.


INGREDIENTS:

125g butter, melted

125g dark chocolate, melted

1 cup almond meal

1/4 cup cocoa (or cacao)

1/4 teaspoon salt

3/4 cup brown sugar (or you can use 1/2 cup maple syrup if that tickles your fancy)

3 eggs, lightly whisked


DO IT:

Preheat your oven to 170C.

Stir the melted butter and chocolate together. While they’re still warm and gooey, chuck the rest of the ingredients in and give it all a stir until it’s combined.

Pour batter into a buttered and lined 20cm x 20cm slice tin.

Bake for around 30-40 minutes. You’ll know it’s cooked when it’s slightly cracked on the top and if you insert a skewer that fucker comes out clean as a whistle.

Sadly, you have to cool this giant delicious tin of excellence completely before slicing. My thoughts are prayers are with you while you wait.

Once cool, slice it up into tasty little squares and store in the fridge. Be prepared for unexpected erections on tasting (nipple, clitoral and penile – the brownies do not discriminate).


If you dig this recipe, then of course you’ll dig my inappropriate cookbook, Shannon’s Kitchen: Healthy Food You’ll Actually F**king Eat. Check it out here.

Also, take a peek at these Sweet Potato & Oat Bars that DON’T taste like bottom.

Shannon x


Chicken Satay

Shannon's Kitchen - SMR-52

‘You can, ah… you can give it a little rub if you like,’ said the dear, weak old man mid bed-bath. He was my patient, I was his nurse. He was talking about his dick, which I was about to wash. I don’t know why old men delude themselves into thinking young nurses have a sexual fever that can only be cured by handling ageing knobs but they sometimes give it a fucking go. Good on them, I suppose. ‘Oh mate, they barely pay me enough to wash the damn thing, let alone tug it.’ He nodded graciously in  understanding and we went about our usual business and chatted about the weather and politics. Bless him, but dry old sausage is just not that enticing, and neither is a dry old satay, so this recipe is a most and tasty one. But flavour and moisture alone won’t get us to old age. So I eat healthy shit like this Chicken Satay because one day I want to be an old tart soliciting crotch touches of my own. Enjoy.


INGREDIENTS: Serves about 4

THE SATAY SAUCE BIT:

  • 1 tablespoon peanut oil
  • 3 birdseye chillis, finely chopped (less if you don’t like spicy shit)
  • 2 cloves garlic, finely chopped
  • 2 tablespoons honey
  • 5 tablespoons peanut butter
  • 1 tablespoon tamari
  • 1 tablespoon fish sauce
  • 1 cup (250ml) coconut milk

OTHER BITS:

  • 1 tablespoon peanut oil
  • 1 onion, diced
  • 500g chicken thighs, chopped into bite-sized chunks
  • 2 zucchini, cut into half moons
  • 1 head broccoli, cut into florets
  • 1 bunch pak choy, roughly chopped

TO SERVE:

  • Cooked brown rice

DO IT:

  1. Heat a saucepan over medium heat, and plonk in the peanut oil, then add in the chilli and garlic and fry up for a minute or so. Pour in the honey and peanut butter and stir it round and get it all melty. Then add in the tamari, fish sauce and coconut milk and whisk it until it’s combined.
  2. Heat a wok over high heat, and place the peanut oil in. Get the onion in there and fry until transparent and slightly golden. Then chuck the chicken, zucchini and broccoli in and fry for about 5 minutes (or until chicken and vegetables are cooked to your liking) then throw the satay sauce and pak choy in and cook until it wilts (about a minute).
  3. Serve atop cooked brown rice and say a little prayer for all the poor nurses out there having to dodge old dick at work.

This is an extract from SHANNON’S KITCHEN: Healthy Food You’ll Actually F**king Eat which is in bookstores around Australia and is available online from a fuckload of retailers such as: ME/Shannon/The Shandogg, Booktopia, Dymocks, Angus & Robertson and, Readings.

The Book Depository offer INTERNATIONAL SHIPPING.

Thanks legends!

Shannon x


A little love for my foreign homies

Once upon a time, I was in a foreign land and drank myself to oblivion. The sort of drinking that normally ends up in hospitalisation, sexually transmitted infections or shaved eyebrows. However, the next day—as I awoke snug as a bug wrapped in the shower-curtain I’d inadvertently torn down and used as a duvet—I felt fresh as a daisy. On top of the world. Ready for action. The reason? I was still shit-faced. Even as I sobered up throughout the day, the beautiful sights and the wonderful people I encountered were enough to keep me chuffed as fuck. I love our planet and the people around it. There are readers of Shannon’s Kitchen from all over the world, and I’m bloody delighted to tell you that a retailer is shipping copies of my very inappropriate cookbook internationally and they charge ZERO for shipping. I don’t know how the fuck that is possible given Australia is at the arse-end of the world. Perhaps they’re stapling books to whales’ backs and hoping for the best? Maybe they’re tying them to empty beer cans and willing them to float their way to you? I have no idea. Anyway, if you fancy a copy of Shannon’s Kitchen: Healthy Food You’ll Actually F**king Eat here’s the link, friends.

bookontable

My foreign homies: Buy this piece of awesomeness HERE and please keep helping the stupid drunk Aussie girls.


Jaffa Zero-Cheese Cheesecake

This is an extract from my cookbook Shannon’s Kitchen: Healthy Food You’ll Actually F**king Eat! Available to order here.


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This cheesecake leaves me reminiscing over mine and Mr Shannon’s engagement. The fucker had planned it beautifully. We were holidaying on a gorgeous island, he had a vintage ring, he had champagne, and had arranged for a helicopter ride to a white, sandy beach. But the night before this magical day was supposed to happen, we went out for burgers, wine and cheesecake. And we got pissed. Real pissed. We came home happy as fuck at silly o’clock, and I took my bra off, lay down and rubbed my bursting tummy. Mr Shannon’s face became weird. ‘Do you need a shit?’ I asked him. He mumbled something and then disappeared. I assumed he went off to lay a cable that would impress Telstra. He reappeared a few minutes later and knelt beside the bed where I was laying like a bloody dugong, overstuffed with food, bubbleguts on parade. And that was the moment he chose to say, let’s do forever. What a pair of flogs. I wouldn’t have it any other way though, neither of us were built for romance. It was a fabulous night and it sure was a fucking fabulous cheesecake. This healthy Jaffa Zero-Cheese Cheesecake is too.


INGREDIENTS:

BASE:

1 cup macadamias, roasted

1 cup desiccated coconut

2 tablespoons cacao powder

10 Medjool dates, pitted

2 tablespoons melted coconut oil (or melted butter)

1/2 teaspoon salt (if your macadamias are salted you won’t need this)

CHEEKY TOPPER:

2 cups raw cashews, soaked the fuck out of in water for 6+ hours (this makes them whip up smoother)

2 oranges (we’ll use the zest and the juice)

1/2 cup coconut cream

1/4 cup maple syrup

2 tablespoons coconut oil

OPTIONAL

1 teaspoon orange essence. If you want a stronger orange flavour, add this in. I don’t, but you totally fucking can

Melted chocolate to drizzle on (I make it out of 1/2 tablespoon maple syrup, 1 tablespoon melted coconut oil and 2 tablespoons cacao powder)


DO IT:

  1. Get all the base ingredients into the food processor. Tell that appliance there’s no room for laziness on this team and set it to turbo super max power. You might have to stop every now and then and scrape the sides down and re-rev that son of a bitch.
  2. Grease a 20cm spring-form cake tin. Smooth all the tasty base into the bottom and make it flat, then pop it in the fridge.
  3. Next you’re making the topper. You might want to give the food processor a bit of a rinse (or you could be a lazy fuck like me, then you can just dump the next load in there if you’re cool with brown poo-like streaks).
  4. Grab your drained cashews, orange juice, orange zest, coconut cream, maple syrup and coconut oil and get all that sweet shit into the food processor. Set it to off-its-tits mode again. To make it super smooth and creamy you will have to whizz it for several minutes, with a few intermissions to scrape the sides down.
  5. TIME TO UNITE BASE AND TOPPER! Get the base out of the fridge and smooth the orange goo on top, make it nice and pretty. It actually looks quite ugly, doesn’t it? But you can pretty it up with melted chocolate if you give a fuck.
  6. Now to play the painful waiting game. That delicious creation has to go back in the fridge to chill and set for a few hours before slicing and dicing that tasty motherfucker. Post-cheesecake engagements are optional.

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Love,

Shannon x

Shannon’s Kitchen: Healthy Food You’ll Actually F**king Eat is available in bookshops around Australia and in e-book form from 2 April 2018. FUCK YEAH! Click here to order so Shannon doesn’t have to start sucking willies for a living.